Again?

First things first, since I know I've been HORRIBLE about updating... at 15.5 weeks, everything pregnancy related seems to be moving along swimmingly. Doc is happy, my stomach and appetite are getting there, and my jeans are not. I figure that's about all I can ask for that this point.


I seem to be struggling again. Be it seasonal, situational, or my own fucked-up-edness, the depression seems to have found me. It's incredibly frustrating to be here, in this place that I honestly didn't know that I'd ever get to, and be completely incapable of reveling in it. Hell, I struggle to just enjoy it from time to time.

Family is a mess, finances are ok but I'm not sure for how long, our neighborhood is going to hell and we are absolutely positively completely STUCK in it for at least another 13 months.

But, we're both healthy, Grumps is doing smashingly in school, the bills ARE still getting paid, I am still employed, and HOLY FUCK, I'm PREGNANT for God's sake!

Funk, funk, go away - and don't worry about coming back another day! Please?

10 Weeks?

That's where the calendar says I'm at. 10 weeks pregnant. If that's not the most surreal thing I've ever typed here, I don't know what is.

I'm discovering another problem with my infertility experience. I'm not suggesting this is a problem EVERYONE would encounter. Just one that I am, and I'm struggling with it. So, I figure if I am, someone else may, too. And this whole community thing is supposed to be about sharing experiences and all that, so here goes.

My 5 and a half years of infertility and one BIG, GIANT EFFECT (well, one that is bothering me NOW, anyway), and that is it allowed me to over romanticize the whole notion of pregnancy.

Granted, I did get to take the surprise test, and make the surprise announcements. And, truth be told, that was pretty "sunshine and roses and fairy-tale-esque" (I'm gagging myself, so I'm sorry).

But, in those 65 ish months of trying, of WANTING this, I was able to completely gloss over the possibility that IF I were to get pregnant, perhaps I would be one of those women that pregnancy wouldn't agree with.

And - it turns out - I am.

I'm not violently ill or anything. I'm still able to work (most of the time, a full day, too). I completely and fully recognize that it could be SO. MUCH. WORSE.

I also recognize that I am sounding like one of those ungrateful bitches that we all love to bash, but dammit, its my blog, and I'll whine if I want to.

I guess the best way I can explain my symptoms is that it's like I've been on the verge of some kind of stomach virus.... for 5 weeks now. I'm tired and achey (and whiney!) and nauseated, and feel like I should never ever be more than about 5 steps away from a place that I could "shout groceries" in private. Fortunately there hasn't been a whole lot of actual grocery shouting, but to feel on the verge - all the damn time - is a less than ideal way to live.

Gah... waaaah waaaah bitch bitch moan moan... I'm tired of writing this, I can't imagine how sick you are of reading it.

Preggo-bitch, Out!

A Month(ish) In Review

Lordy Lordy, this last month or so has been crazy! Bare (or is it bear?) with me while I sum up!

My Mom, after a ridiculously UNspectacular fall (she missed the last step on the staircase into the basement) resulting in ridiculously spectacular injuries (7 breaks in 5 bones, including both ankles and a foot), is well on her way to recovery! She's down to 1 plaster cast and 1 cam-walker, has tossed the wheelchair, and is MUCH happier have regained at least a bit of her independence. Mom, her dog, and her cat have been staying with Grandma (the most wheelchair friendly house in the family), and it seems as though they're having a grand ol' time together!

Grandma had another bout with her cellulitis, resulting in a 4 day hospital stay and a 2 week course of at home iv antibiotics. Fortunately, she's also doing much better!

Grump's Mom has been diagnosed with a different, incredibly aggressive, and incredibly rare, form of cancer. She's been hospitalized since Oct 5, and honestly isn't doing very well. BUT, with a smidgen of silver lining in the mix, it looks as though she may be able to come home this week. Grumps has been spending as much time as possible with his Mom, as the doctors have warned us that we're not looking at a possible cure here, they're simply treating what they can in an effort to extend the amount of time she has left. Unfortunately, the unit of measure we're working with here is months....

And, somehow, in the midst of all that craziness, I managed to get pregnant! The old fashioned way! I'm a little over 9 weeks now, and other than "morning" (HA! All day, I say!) sickness, things seem to be progressing just fine. I got Dr confirmation last Thurs, have announced to the immediate family, and now finally felt comfortable putting it out here in to blogland.

And that is where I've been the last month!

Thankful Thursdays

Yes, I know, its been awhile - but.... I'm here now!

This weeks Thankful list:

1. The Grumps made the Dean's List!
2. Mom is settled @ Grandma's with her 2 casted, broken ankles, and seems to be adjusting ok.
3. I've gotten the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend, and now get to call him a good friend!
4. It's fall! Cool breezes, clear blue skies, and pretty soon the leaves will be changing color.
5. Almost soup season!

Anyone need Lessons?

If anyone out there needs lessons on how to help/manage their parents through a medical crisis, I think I'm about to be pretty damned qualified to give them!

My Mom fell on Saturday, in an incredibly spectacular way. She was walking into the basement with a laundry basket, and thought she had reached the bottom step. Unfortunately, she was 1 step up. 2 broken ankles and a broken foot (7 fractures in 5 bones total) + LOTS of ligament damage = surgery today.

She'll be in the hospital for a couple of days, and then staying with family for a while after that. I'll be bouncing between my house, her house, and Grandma's house (where she will be staying).

Prayers for my patience and sanity are always welcome, but are actually NEEDED right now!

Feel the Fur Love!

It's been awhile since you've seen the kittens, so I thought I'd give you a peek!

They will be 6 months tomorrow, and are FREAKING HUGE! Bob, in the blue collar, with his little paw over his sister, is 8.2 lbs. Izzie, in the red collar, is 7.8 lbs.

We've resigned ourselves to being the house with 2 20lb cats.

They're trouble, and crazy energetic, and mischevious, and maddening... but they're sweet, and cuddly, and adorable, and affectionate, and talkative. We're so glad we got them!

That Old Familiar Feeling

It used to be a constant, dull ache that wasn't usually noticed, but never really went away, either. Silly me had gotten almost confident enough to say that for now, I've gotten beyond it.

And then?

Then that stupid bitch that is infertility sucker punched me in the gut.

I was getting our dinner ready on Saturday when there was a knock at the door. It's back to school season, which - at least in our neighborhood - means door-to-door fundraising season. The magazine subscriptions are easy to refuse, and we can usually manage to not "sign up" for anything. But, the Grumps and I both have a sweet tooth, so those overpriced candy bars are hard to say no to, especially when the seller is about the cutest little nervously grinning kid you've ever seen!

So, Grumps opens the door, agrees to buy some candy, and goes in search of singles (those kids NEVER have change, and we DO NOT NEED $20 worth of candy bars, nor are we rolling in it in ways that would allow me to have the kiddo "keep the change"), leaving the front door open enough for the Kaylah girl to wedge her furry little head out to see the kids.

And oh the squeals! of delight! and excitement!

Grumps, being the softy that he is, immediately opens the door so that Kaylah can go visit with her newest fan club members (we actually have kids in the neighborhood that come over to ask if she can come out and play). He then steps outside with her to chat with the mom and 3 kids that are now fighting over "who Kaylah loves the most".

Almost an hour later, he finally makes it back inside with a VERY TIRED PUPPY. And all I could think was that it should be OUR fucking kids that our dog is so excited to play with. Why the FUCK isn't it our kids?

Fucking sucker punch!

Desperately Seeking....

Serenity? Well, kind of, but that's not quite right...

Sanity? Close, but again, not quite right...

Simplicity! Ding ding ding, winner!

This last trip up north solidified it for us. We are not urban, or even suburban, people. We crave the peace and quiet that comes with not being able to see (or hear!) your neighbors, and of being able to tend to a garden without worrying about breaking some bullshit city ordinance. We fit in a place where "going for a walk" means spending an hour travelling the perimeter of your own property, instead of your neighborhood.

It's going to take some time, and planning, and sacrifice. But, we have a definitive goal in mind. In about 16 months, when Grumps has his degree and is fully certified to work anywhere in the state (and many other states, for that matter), we'll be looking for a new area to call home. Not necessarily a new state, but most definitely a new area...

The simple life is good for our souls, and we need to make it our everyday!

Thankful Thursdays

Short, sweet, and to the point:

This week I am thankful that

I AM ON VACATION!

Gone camping with Grumps and the furkids! NO INTERNET ACCESS! Just us, good friends, good food, a few board/card games, some books, a local county fair, and a whole lotta booze!

Back in town on Monday, but may not be back online until Wednesday!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Original BFF, Part 2

There was a falling out, and this was a big one. It was over men, of course. She suddenly didn't like the choices I was making, and I was so wrapped up in my choices that I no longer had time for her. I'd like to say that I was torn up about it, inconsolable even, but that would be a lie. I was so wrapped up in the warm fuzzies of new love that I hardly noticed the loss of my best friend.

Years went by without any contact at all. I thought of her occasionally. Hoped she and her (my?) family were well. Got over the hurt and anger of the fight, a fight which ended a multi-year friendship, and of which I can no longer remember the details.

And then, late last year, the inevitable happened. After over 10 years of no contact at all, I ran into her (my?) parents one Sunday morning at breakfast. They recognized me, and called to me before I had noticed them. I immediately ran over to them, big hugs for both, and sat down at their table. We caught up on all the major things in life (marriages, deaths, births (or lack thereof), etc). I didn't have any paper with me, so I found a business card in my wallet, added my personal email, and told them that if H was interested, I'd love to hear from her.

A month or 2 went by without anything. I had almost forgotten the encounter, when a friend request popped up on facebook. It was H. We chatted a few times through FB and email, and quickly made plans to meet for breakfast.

To say I was nervous for that breakfast would be an understatement. I couldn't decide what to wear, and settled on going the "comfort" route, over the "style" route. I woke up 3 hours early. I drank a pot of coffee and smoked a half pack of cigarettes before leaving the house. I drove the mile to the restaurant with my hands shaking and my stomach doing somersaults. I arrived 30 minutes early, got a table, drank another 2 cups of coffee and smoked 3 more cigarettes before she arrived.

She walked over to the table, and I immediately jumped up to hug her. Conversation was slow and awkward to start, but soon fell into our old familiar rhythm. We updated each other on surface things (education, marriage, travel, boyfriends, blah blah blah), and grazed a little more into the meat of some more intense issues (infertility, relationship issues, etc). It felt natural and comfortable, and truly as if we had just picked up where we left off 10 years ago.

When we finally pried ourselves away from the table (almost 3 hours later!) and got into our cars, I headed home with a light heart, and a giant grin on my face. I had found my friend once again. A friend that I realized I had missed terribly over the last 10 years. My long lost sister was back in my life, and I was going to soak up every moment of it.

A few weeks later, the high wore off.

We hadn't gotten together again, as her new semester of school had started, and Grumpy's mom had gotten very very ill. But we chatted regularly via email, and I believe there were even some phone calls in the mix. But something felt, off. Forced, almost.

And than it hit me.

Our friendship hadn't changed, but I had.

I was no longer the giggly school girl wrapped up in boys and reading between the lines of every conversation I ever had. I was no longer interested in impressing people, or "keeping up with the Joneses". I wasn't into the bar scene, or driving downtown to check out the new restaurant, or spending a night in Royal Oak having cocktails and people watching. I wasn't interested in attending internationally themed dinner parties and discussing politics.

Sure, I could do those things on occasion, but they weren't my life. They weren't comfortable for me. That's not who I am. And honestly, that's not who I want to be. I've worked hard to build the life I have, a life centered with my marriage and my home, surrounded with friends and family that I trust and care for deeply, and free from outside drama and unnecessary conflicts.
I like the life I have today, and I'm not willing to alter it to fit a friendship that felt natural, but in reality, I've long outgrown. It feels strange to realize that I've outgrown my Original BFF.

And to be fair, I'm certain that H has outgrown it as well. This is not meant to attack her AT ALL. Simply to illustrate how 2 like-minded little girls can grow up to discover they've become women who not only aren't on the same page about life, but are quite literally in different books.

The Original BFF

I think we all had one... that first person you shared everything with. Bad grades, horrible crushes, silly giggling secrets shared in hushed tones while listening to Journey (I can't be the only one that came of age in the 90s that thought I was OH SO COOL to be listening to "old school Journey", can I? CAN I?).

H wasn't my first best friend, if I'm to be honest. There were childhood friends before her, summers spent at the pool, learning to smoke behind the school administration building in the park between our houses, games of tag with the neighborhood kids. But H was the first one that really mattered, that really stuck.

We met on our first day at Jr High, and were completely inseparable from that point on. We learned to drive together, we drank for the first time together, we got our first jobs together. We shared and swapped boyfriends, we shopped, we giggled and gossipped and played Ouija and pretended to be psychiatrists. We did our homework and studied for exams at the little table in her kitchen. I think I spent almost as many nights sleeping on her bedroom floor as I did in my own bed. She was the sister I never had.

There were times in high school where are interests parted. She always had a flair for drama and creative writing, and I was always the logical straight-thinker. I took 4 years of Italian while she struggled through 1 semester of French simply to meet the requirement. She took drama and creative writing, and together we took Gothic Literature (this time only so that I could meet the 1 semester requirement).

We hit our junior year, and things started to change. I fell into a steady relationship (awww, first love!), and she spent much of her free time working with the drama department. Weeks went by without phone calls between us (remember, this was in the days before email). Months went by without me waking up on her floor to the sound of her younger brother fighting with her (and my emotionally adopted) parents.

During those last two years of high school, we never really had a falling out. Our lives changed, and we each pursued more and more activities that held no interest for the other.

And then life changed for both of us, and we rushed back to each other's worlds. We spent the summer after graduation almost inseparable once again. Most nights I could be found sleeping on her floor, most days she was occupying the shotgun seat in my sad little Mercury Lynx as we gallivanted around town our went off to our respective jobs.

In December of 1996, I met Grumps. My world was turned upside down almost instantly. Those nights spent on her floor were swapped with evenings falling asleep in his arms, setting the alarm to insure I had barely enough time to make it home before curfew. Days spent giggling and chatting with H were replaced by days with Grumpy, seeing movies, having dinner, getting to know each other.

H was still a good friend, still the best friend I had, and was most definitely by my side as I made the gradual move from my childhood house to my home with Grumps. We all spent a good amount of time together. We rang in 1997 at a memory filled party at Grumpy's house. H started dating one of Grump's friends. Game nights and underage drinking and double dates became the new normal.

And then everything changed.

To be continued

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

I look around at my life today, and it's completely different from what it was a year ago. And I know there are many, MANY more major changes to come in the next 18-24 months.

My marriage is better, stronger, happier than it's been in a while. It's not perfect (I'm not a believer in perfection anyway!), but it's good. Genuinely good.

Our house, our health, our conversations, our connection - have all improved to levels that we weren't striving for, and yet we've somehow managed to achieve. It's like I woke up one morning, looked around, and realized that I LIKE my life. Again, it's not perfect (ahem - children!) but it's really, really good!

Grumps is happier with his career life than I've ever seen him. Obviously he's not actually in the career yet, but the fact that he's pursuing it, and preparing for it - has brought about a light in him that I've never seen before.

I'll be honest and say that I'm nervous for the changes that are coming. 2 years from now will bring a new career for him, a new lifestyle for us, and quite possibly a move to a completely new part of the country. I live in the same city that I grew up in, and that my mother grew up in. We bought our house from Grumpy's grandma, and it's the house his Dad grew up in. We have roots here, and they run deep.

But, changes that normally would - and possibly should - terrify me, are only making me nervous. Because right now, I know that no matter what life throws at us, or what decisions lie ahead, Grumps and I will be getting through it together, working towards a common goal.

That knowledge has brought me more peace than I have ever known.

Thankful Thursdays

so I missed last week, but I'm back at it again! This week, I'm thankful:

1. That the patch seems to be working for me. I'm not a non-smoker yet, but I'm much MUCH closer than I've been in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time!
2. That Grumps and I are really and truly, for the first time since we've known each other, completely on the same page about our finances. It's wonderful to have a real partner in the fight to clean up our mess.
3. That our ghetto neighbors gave up one of their dogs (the fence-jumping, dog-aggressive pit-bull). That puts them at 4, which is still double the limit allowable in our city. But, it's progress!
4. That the horrible charity event that Grumps gets suckered into (and I resent) every freaking year is OVER!
5. That I can truly enjoy the peace and quiet of our drama-free life. And that we've BOTH worked SO STINKING HARD to get it, that we both really do appreciate it!

Have any thanks to share? Please do so in the comments!

Picture This

You've lived in your new home for a few weeks now. You're finally unpacked and settled in. It's summertime, the weather is gorgeous, and you decide to throw yourself a housewarming party.

You cut the grass, plant some flowers, and buy a screened in gazebo for the yard. You get the charcoal heating up on the barbecue, the beer chillin' in the cooler, and the ribs marinating in the sauce.

You've invited all of your family, and your friends from the old neighborhood. You've made your sons drag out their stereo system, and have your favorite motown cds stacked along side it. Your daughter has even harassed you into FINALLY learning the hussle.

People begin to arrive. Tunes are playing, folks are laughing and eating and dancing and having a great time.

Don't you think, at some point, it would have dawned on you to take the laundry in from the clothesline you strung between your 2 sheds?

Apparently not, if you live next door to me.

Ghetto Livin'

When we moved into our house (almost 13 years ago!), it was a little bungalow in a quiet, well-kept, working class, family neighborhood. Today, it's still a little bungalow. Unfortunately, that's about the only similarity.

The house across the street has sold 4 times, and is now rented by a mother, her 3 grown sons, a minor son, and a grandson (whose mother is clearly not involved). All 3 of the grown sons have criminal records, and at least one of them is currently wearing a tether. We can sit on our front porch in the evenings and watch them selling - and using - drugs.

There is a house down the street with a mother and her 2 sons. They've been in the neighborhood as long as we have. The sons went from 2 cute little boys, to 2 obnoxious teens, to 2 law-breaking drug-dealing tether-wearing young adults in the 13 years we've known them.

Our new neighbors, recent purchasers of a foreclosed house that 5 years ago sold for 8 times what they just bought it for, seem to "take the cake". From what I can tell, a woman in her early 60s lives there with her adult daughter, 2 adult sons, a grandson, 5 dogs (all aggressive breeds that are poorly socialized), at least 4 cats, 2 birds, and some fish (in a 900 sq ft house). Nobody works. The police have been to our block more in the 3 months since they moved in than they had in the 3 years prior to that. Animal control has been called for the violation of our city ordinance regarding the number of pets. The mother brags about the county bringing them food, and rent-a-center drops off a flat screen tv (all in the same weekend).

Our doorbell rang at 12:37 this morning. The police were next door, and apparently telling the older of the 2 sons that he had to leave. I have no idea what brought about this fight, and honestly - I don't care. What infuriates me is that he showed up to ask Grumps to help him PUSH HIS GHETTO CRUISER CAR the 6 or 8 blocks to the place he was going to stay for the night.

WHAT?

Who does that?

Who thinks its ok to bother their neighbors for that, ever?

Who rings doorbells at that time of the night, unless someone is seriously injured, or something is on fire?

What?

The?

Fuck?

Counting down the days til Grumps graduates, and praying that he gets a job offer that forces us to relocate.

Thankful Thursday

Yep, it's Thursday again! This week I'm thankful:

1. That I get a 3 day weekend!
2. That I get to see a cousin from out of town (that I see far too little) on Saturday!
3. That I'll have the house to myself this evening (well, plus the animals... and from what Grumps has told me, the kittens are CUH-RAZY today!).
4. That Grumps is STILL holding his 4.0!
5. And that I am less than a month away from a long weekend of camping up north with our friends!

Share some thanks right down there in the comments, would ya?

Defining

I've been thinking a lot lately about my infertility, my blog, my place in this community. I feel like I don't really have a place in the community right now. (And Lori, before you tell me to draw a bigger circle - keep reading!)

If you're one of the few that has been following me regularly for the last year or so, you'll agree that very little I have written about in that time has dealt at all with infertility. It's not that I'm suddenly no longer infertile, it's that infertility isn't taking up the prime real estate in my life that it has in the past.

I still want kids. I still don't have them. And I will likely still need some form of intervention (medical or legal (adoption)) if I am ever to parent. So, by any definition, I am still eligible to wear the label. And I do still wear it. It's just that - well - it's not front and center lately.

That's not by design. Believe me, I wish I had that strength. It's just that the last year has brought about some other major life changes, and the journey to parenthood has simply been forced down on the list.

I've watched many many of the blogs I started following as IF blogs become pregnancy blogs and parenting blogs. I've seen many people in my real life and my computer life have 1, 2 or even 3 children in the time since the Grumps and I started trying for our first. I support those blogs, and those friends, and I love those babies. But if I spend too much time focused on the reality of where I am in comparison - that shit hurts!

Am I still an infertility blogger? Yep. You just might have to search through some of my archives to find it. There's stuff in there about charting and surgeries and Lupron and HSGs and whatever else I may have actually documented. But, I'm also more than - and less than - and other than - an infertility blogger. This blog and community walked with me as I stumbled through caring for and losing my father, and as I've set new goals for myself and my family, and as we've lost beloved pets and added crazy new pets to our little zoo.

I'm still around, and I intend to stay around. Just know that if you're checking in to find out where I am in my cycles, or what comes next in my procedure schedule... well, the truth is that your guess is as good as mine.

My weekend

in *stolen* internet pics, because I was an idiot and forgot my camera!

Friday night, we met up with some friends for dinner:

Lafayette Coney Island, a Detroit Institution!

And then we headed off to Comerica Park to see:

And:

Kid Rock, early on in his OVER 2 HOUR performance!!!!

The concert kicked all kinds of ass, and we had a great time! I had to get out the Kid Rock CDs so that I can listen in the car, and that's ALL I've listened to since the show!

Then on Saturday, I met up with some girlfriends for:

Cocktails (mine was a berry cooler martini)

And

Pizza at Pizza Papalis, another Detroit Legend!

Sunday was spent on the couching feeling OLD, alternating between:

a Law & Order SVU marathon

And

(this one doesn't need a description, does it?)

All in all, a great weekend with great friends, and some great hometown "heroes".

What did you do this weekend?

Thankful Thursdays

Yep, it's Thursday again! Here's what I'm thankful for this time around:

1. That the visit with our friends was FABULOUS! We had cocktails and fire and lots and LOTS of laughs!
2. That my horrid end-of-last-year has provided me with insights that I would not otherwise have, and that I was recently able to share some of those insights with someone that really seems to need a little guidance. Whether they take those things to heart is completely up to them, but I am thankful that I was able to share them.
3. That I was able to visit with Grandma and Aunts and Cousins last night. The older my cousins get, the more I'm enjoying them. One specifically I currently want to put in my pocket and keep for the next few months!
4. That I get to go home to a quiet house, and do some housework, and have a dinner of salami and cream cheese on a toasted everything bagel (aka, heart attack on a plate) tonight!
5. That Bob and Izzie are now fixed, the surgeries went well, and both are almost completely healed. I ADORE my kittens, but I do not need a litter of... how ever many come in a litter!

Thankful for something? Please share it in the comments!

A typical afternoon in our house

Grumps took the above picture one afternoon while doing homework in his office. The kids like to be near him, but can't seem to stay awake during naptime. Kaylah is the big reddish-brown one, Bob is the black blob above her, and Izzie is next to the black garbage can on the right side of her (you can spot Izzie's legs sticking out towards Kaylah).

Raising a Hand

and waving at all of you out there in blogland!

I'm still here, still bobbing along in my own little journey. Nothing too exciting or blog-worthy going on (or, at least not when a CERTAIN UNNAMED BLOGGING PROGRAM will actually allow me access to my account!), thus the ridiculous level of silence over here these days.

To be honest, I've been struggling a bit this last week, as the 7th was 1 year since Dad went in the hospital. I expect I'll have some rough moments over the next few months, dealing with what's left of the "firsts" without him. It's nothing that isn't a perfectly natural part of the grieving process (blah blah psych babble), but it is something I'm dealing with - and working through - these days.

I'd like to say there's something - anything - going on with the IF front, but there isn't. Things are on hold for now, until we get Grump's school/job situation, and our financial situation, at least somewhat under control. I do have to schedule myself another follow-up appointment with Dr. Voodoo, but it's not going to be for anything exciting. He'll ask about Clomid, I'll tell him not yet. He'll ask about the endo, and I'll thankfully be able to report very minimal symptoms. Honestly, I don't even really see a reason to go, other than Dr. Voodoo told me to, and I tend to unquestioningly want to do what he tells me to.

And on that note, it's bright and sunny outside, and I need to go soak some of it in!

Thankful Thursday

Just need to reground myself in the things that are GOOD in my world right now. Since that was the entire purpose for starting this not-nearly-weekly theme, I suppose it's a good idea to publish another one of these, so here we go.

This week, I'm thankful:

1. That some of our best friends are coming up this weekend, and will be staying with us for a few days. It's been far too long, and I look forward to lots of laughs, lots of cocktails, and some insane stories!
2. That we were able to wait to put the window air conditioners in until the THIRD WEEK OF JUNE! That's AT LEAST a month later than normal. The earth thanks me, and DTE Energy can SUCK IT!
3. That we DID put in the window a/c, because 90 degrees + high humidity = FUCKING HOT! (105+ "real feel", for those of you that may want a translation).
4. That Grumps is doing so, so well in school. He's connecting with people in his chosen career, he's learning a ton, and he's bringing home the grades to prove it! I'm thankful, and I'm proud!
5. That we got the kittens, because not a day goes by that I don't laugh at the things they do. The latest? We got some paperwork from the vet regarding their sterilization. They're both big fans of playing with anything paper, but those specific 3 sheets have been hidden, chewed on, and crumpled up more than any other paper in the house!

If you'd care to share, tell us what you're thankful for in the comments!

In better news

I took a look last night at the spreadsheet I created to track our financial progress.

Since I've started tracking, in Jan 2008, we have paid off 25% of our total debt!

And remember, that's with me missing some work for a surgery, and Dad's illness and death, as well as Grumps being unemployed for the last 10 months.

That right there gives me reason to WOOFUCKINGHOO!!!!

Tricky

This depression stuff - I'm learning - is freaking TRICKY!

When I first started my meds (Zoloft, just a wee lil baby starter dose at that), I was feeling better. Surprisingly better. "WAHOOO!!! My prayers have been answered!" better.

That better turned to a contentedness, that lulled me into a (clearly) false sense of security. It seems as though I blinked, and that satisfied, content, normal version of me has vanished, replaced by the same old frustrated, cranky, anxiety-ridden, un-motivated me.

And it SUCKS.

I suppose this means that I need to get back to the GP, get my meds tweaked (or changed entirely), maybe even ask about some quick acting anti-anxiety meds, when I KNOW I'm going to do something that will cause the anxiety to sky-rocket.

Not that we have the money for such frivolous things as doctors appointments and medications right now. But - seriously - it has to be cheaper than divorce, right?

Let me tell you a story

about a little girl young lady. (She's in those lovely "tween" years, and would be horrified at being called a "little girl".)

Anywho, this young lady, who I shall call M, lives with her mother and father, in the same house they've been in for her entire life. She's very, very close to her mother. She helps with the housework, they do their homework together (Mom is a college student), mom is teaching her to do needlepoint... a good relationship.

She tries very, very hard to gain her father's affection, but never seems to "measure up" to his standards. Dad spends the majority of his time at home in the garage. He's very much a "man's man", and seems to have some difficulty relating to the things that are important to M. Instead of Dad working to come to her level, she tries and tries to do things that he will find interesting. "Daddy, can you help me fix my bike?" or "Daddy, can I help you work on that car?". Yet, all too often, M finds herself being told that she's in the way, and should "go inside with her mother".

Mom has been working very hard for many years at her college degree. She's finally completed it, and has been offered a job in her chosen field. Unfortunately, that job requires relocation, and does not provide a very stable environment for M. Very soon, Mom will be moving, and will be unable to have M join her in the forseeable future.

This will leave M with Dad, whom she adores. But Dad has never taken a very active role in the day-to-day parenting of M. There will be lots of adjustments and sacrifices for Mom, Dad, and M. Ideally, the family hopes to be able to reunite as a unit in the area that Mom is relocating to. In the mean time, it will be M and Dad, working things out, and making their own way.



I'd like to ask you to think for a moment about this situation. If you were an adult in M's life, but not involved in her day-to-day life, how would you feel? What would you do? Say? And to who?

Recipes Worth Sharing: Healthy(er) Spinach & Artichoke Dip

Don't get me wrong, this dip doesn't NOT qualify as healthy. BUT, it is CERTAINLY a whole lot healthier than its baked, cheese and fat laden (but oh so freaking tasty) counterpart.

Ingredients:

• 1 lb of hummus, flavored or plain... whatever makes ya happy (I like the garlic flavor myself)
• 1 10oz box frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
• 1 can artichoke hearts, diced
• 4-8oz grated/shredded parmesan or asiago cheese (I'm a big fan of the Sargento Artisan blends that you can get in the deli section, but thats just me)

To do:

1. dump everything in a bowl
2. mix well
3. eat it on anything you want to dip in it. I've had (and liked) it on veggies, pita chips, pita bread, pumpernickel, french bread, my fingers... it's pretty easy, and forgiving

I think this would store well in an airtight container in the fridge for at least a couple of days, but I can't say that I've ever tried. I tend to ONLY make this if we're having people over, because I'm afraid I'd inhale the entire batch in one sitting, all by myself!

Floating?

I feel like I should be working towards something, but instead, I'm just kind of... floating?

The last several years have been spent fighting towards one goal or another... the wedding, trying to get pregnant, trying to stay married (that one was tough), trying to get our finances in order. Constantly working towards something that I had deemed "better" than where I was.

Yes, there are things I still want for my life - changes to make, goals to reach.

But, right now? I'm feeling this strange contentment to just.... be.

I'm still working towards financial stability, and I still want to be a mom, and I still want my marriage to be stronger, my house to be cleaner, my body to be healthier, blah blah blah. And I really am working towards all of those things, on some level. But instead of frenzied LEAPS or big giant spreadsheet lists, I seem to be taking baby steps, and making small changes, and shifting priorities and habits in little tiny ways.

I'm not really sure when the change happened, or what brought it on. But this feels more stable, more attainable, and a whole hell of a lot less chaotic.

And I really have no idea why I decided to write this post, or what I'm trying to say in it. I guess I just needed to put this out there? Send it into the universe? Remind myself that it's ok to just be.

And as a somewhat related side note, my brain seems to have fallen back to my most recent mantra, one that was able to help me get centered during my most ugly times. It's simple, and short, but helps reel me in when my mind wants to go to the crazy. The weird thing is, I find my mind just falling to it naturally, instead of seeking it out as a touchstone to calm myself.

Anyway, the mantra:

Patience, grace, strength, and peace, Lord

{grant me} Patience, grace, strength, and peace.

Thankful Thursdays

Look at me, being almost, kinda-sorta regular about this here little feature... Who'd a thunk it?

This week, I'm thankful:

1. That Grumps and I didn't kill each other in the pretty much 10 solid days we just spent together (something to be proud of, too - believe me!)
2. That a certain someone has kicked me in the ass to get the garden going! I just hope I'm not too horribly late with my seedlings! (although, last year I didn't plant tomato SEEDS until the end of June, and still managed to get some tasty treats off the plants).
3. That somehow, someway, we're doing ok financially. I can't figure it out. Our debt is still U.G.L.Y., but I'm focusing on hoarding as much cash as I can right now (while still having some fun) until we know what the income situation will be like until Grumps is through the academy. But, the bills are all getting paid - on time - and our savings balance is actually going up!
4. That I get to spend some time with family this weekend - possibly Friday with my Grandma, Saturday afternoon with my favorite Aunt, and Saturday night playing cards with the in-laws.
5. That Grumps has another little side job lined up for next week that will bring in an extra couple hundred bucks!

If you're feeling so inclined, let me know what you're feeling thankful for in the comments!

Refreshed

The week off was EXACTLY what I needed. Grumps and I went north for a few days, we did some projects around the house, we spent time with friends and family, we played, we slept in, we loved on the fur kids.... it was a good break for me.

The Grumps - he is The Genius! I married me a 4.0 student! WOOHOO! Semester 2 starts tomorrow...

On the IF front... my cycles still seem to be fairly regular (30-35 days). We haven't discussed Clomid any further, nor have we talked about a timeline for "what comes next". I don't think we're avoiding it, I think we're both just really focused on other things right now. And, surprisingly, that feels ok.

Now, I'm making lists of other things I want to do around the house, I'm thinking about menus, and strategizing (instead of panicking) about our finances... things are good. And me likey!

Celebrating Our Sisters

As many of you already know, a few of our sisters out here in the ALI blogosphere are taking the fight to a broader audience. That's right folks, our girls are PUBLISHED! Check it out!

Mel of Stirrup Queens fame has published Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options.

Click Here to order your copy!

About the book, in brief (as taken from the book website):

"Author of the extremely successful blog Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, Melissa Ford presents readers with a guide for navigating the complex world of infertility. The Land of If got its name not only because “IF” is the abbreviation for “infertility” in the online world, but also because there are so many “ifs” inherent in being here. No stranger to the Land of If herself, Ford shares her hard-earned knowledge and insights, helping couples struggling with infertility understand the lingo, learn the details doctors tend to leave out, and keep their emotional sanity despite seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Navigating the Land of If gives the nitty-gritty on injections, rejections, biting your tongue during happy parent-to-be conversations, and trying not to cry over baby shower invitations. With chapters that include how-to’s for same-sex couples, and present adoption or remaining child-free as plausible
alternatives, Ford tells you exactly what you need to know, from one infertile to another."

Pamela Jeanne of Coming 2 Terms has published the book Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found.

Click Here to order your copy!

The product description, taken from the book's Amazon page:

"What happens when a couple can't conceive after years of trying? What awaits two people who want to be parents, as they move away from the fertility treatment/adoption/mommy-and-daddy track? Silent Sorority offers a painfully honest look at a growing segment of society that is at best overlooked, and at worst, marginalized. With humor, poignancy, and grace, this book examines a little-acknowledged path and sheds light on the lasting impact infertility has on relationships, identity, and planning for the future. Pamela, shattered by her experience, goes about the difficult business of rebuilding herself and her life as a “non-mom” in an era dominated by Mom's Clubs and helicopter parents. Along the way, she discovers a welcoming sisterhood whose nurturing fellowship provides the foundation for a rebirth. This is the story of how a (barren) woman gets busy, angry, lost and found. "

Finally, Tertia, a true trail-blazer in our online community, has finally been able to get her book, So Close: Infertile and Addicted to Hope, available to those of us in the States.

Click Here to order your copy!

The product description, taken from the book's Amazon page:

"Meet, marry and make a baby: That's how it's supposed to go, right? What happens when you start trying for a family ... and trying, and trying some more? How far do you go to achieve your dream of having children? So Close is the heart wrenching, exhilarating, devastatingly funny story of Tertia Albertyn's battle with infertility. Tertia wanted a baby so badly she went through nine IVFs. Most people give up after the third. I don't think I am being brave at all. I am just too terrified NOT to try again. In her worst nightmare she could never have imagined that making a baby would take her four years, each treatment bringing her and her husband Marko closer and closer to creating their family. During Tertia's journey everything that can go wrong does go wrong. Until, finally, everything goes just right. Tertia is as hilarious as she is irrepressible, as approachable as she is knowledgeable. If you are struggling with infertility, have triumphed over infertility or have felt empathy with someone who is going through this experience, you will find a friend in Tertia."

Get out there and get your copies! Buy a copy for yourself, or one for a struggling friend, or one for that damned co-worker that can't seem to wedge their foot out of their mouth!

Thankful Thursdays

It's time again for another not very weekly installment of Thankful Thursdays! (If this thing ever catches on, I may need to find someone that can help me make one of those fancy html buttons for it.)


This time around, I'm thankful:

1. For the simple pleasure of watching the kittens play. They are each other's best friend and favorite toy!
2. That I onlyhave 7.25 hours of work left before I have 10 DAYS OFF! (5 work days, 4 weekend days, and 1 holiday).
3. That we're going up north for a couple of days to visit with friends, and introduce the kittens to camper life.
4. That our weather is gorgeous and sunny today!
5. That Grumps has 2 more class sessions left until he's done with this semester, and he's doing really well!

So tell me, what are you thankful for today?

Staggering through the Blah

I'm in this emotional space right now - very rut like - where nothing is really wrong, but nothing feels really right either. I know that there is lots of right in my life, and that there could - and has been - so much more wrong. I'm just having a hard time focusing on the "right" these days.

I was talking to the Grumps about it this weekend. How incredibly proud I am of him for taking this leap, going back to school, and actively pursuing his dream. I am proud. But, I'm also jealous. A little jealous of the time he gets to spend at home, not dealing with the politics and personality bullshit that goes along with any job. But much, much more jealous of how driven he is. How it is that he KNOWS what he wants, and he's going after it.

I've thought a lot over the last few months about going back to school, finishing up my degree. The problem is that I have no idea what I'd want to get that degree in. Accounting is the logical choice, since I am about a third of the way to that degree in coursework, and I've been working in the field for 12 years now (pretty much my entire "professional" life). But, is this really what I want to do? Forever and ever?

It's easy. It makes sense. It's the logical choice. It's one of the few industries that IS still growing. It's a skill that every single business in operation needs. But, I don't think it's what I want.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what I DO want.

Well, I take that back. The kicker is that what I want to do with my life - what I've always wanted to do - I can't get a degree for. Paying tuition won't get me any where near it. At this point, I'm not sure that anything will.

***insert frustation here***

I know that most of this Blah is all up in my head. Yes, there are some issues that I need to work through. I need to decide if school is really something I want. And if it is, I need to get my ass in motion to get it done.

Grumps is between semesters next week, and I've decided to take the week off. We haven't had an entire week off together since our honeymoon, going on 6 years ago. And we both decided that it's been way too fucking long. We don't have any major plans: north to see our friends, introduce the kittens to camping, and bring the camper home; some cleaning/decluttering/home improvement stuff around the house; hopefully some bbq-ing, and some bonfires, and a lot of down time. I'm really, REALLY hoping that this little break from the everyday gives me a chance to recharge, reevaluate, and clear my head a bit.

Meet Izzie!

Apparently, she's decided to take a nap on our guest bed!

When we first got the kittens, the only way we could tell them apart was that white patch of fur on Izzie's belly. It only took us a day to get the brilliant idea to buy them collars (non-matching), so that we knew who we were talking to without having to pick them up and look at a belly!

For You (and Your) Girly Girls **Edited

A friend of mine has finally taken the plunge and opened up her Etsy shop!

She's done lots of sewn items for her own kids, as well as for friends (I have my purple bed buddy (the microwave heating bag thingy) and I LOVE IT!).

So far, she's only placed her pettiskirts (modeled below by her daughter) on the Etsy shop. Other sellers have similar items posted for $60+, but my friend is a bargain hunter (like me), and has decided to price hers at $45.

Even though I don't have daughters, I know that many of you do (Nancy, Lori, Mel, Jim, Jen, R&R, I'm looking at you!), and these seem to be one of the latest "hot items" for little girls.

Do me a favor, and check it out at ShadiaDesigns on Etsy. Buy or don't buy, that's your call. But if you do buy, please let me know what you think! (And you can let me know what you think of her etsy, too!)

*** this is not a paid endorsement or review. blah blah blah legal crap. just go look at my friend's shop! ***

Edited to add: Shadia is currently running a sale with free shipping to the US, and $10 shipping (per skirt) to most international locations!

Meet Bob!

I know that I had promised pics of the kittens, but I only have this one of Bob (yes, Bob... our vet discovered - after some inspection - that Cassie may prefer a non-Pink collar).


It's taken some time, but Bob has clearly taken to his big sis, Kaylah.

Will post more pics as soon as my lazy self gets them off the camera and on to the computer.

Therapy?

Grumps and I have discovered a new type of therapy, and we may just try to market it...

Kitten Therapy!

Because really, it's damn near impossible to be depressed when you can watch 2 teeny tiny little furballs attacking their own tails.

Pics to come as soon as we get some on something other than a cell phone, but our 2 new girls are Cassie and Izzie, and we're both head over heels in love with them!

Thankful Thursdays

In yet another effort to reset my perspective, I'm going to attempt to resurrect my Thankful Thursdays posts. Here's what I'm Thankful for today:

1. That it's April 16th, and tax season is OVER!
2. That my boss was very generous with tax season bonuses this year. So generous in fact, that we'll be able to pay off the smallest of our remaining 4 debts (because I so desperately need to pay off something!) and set aside some cash for the adoption/sterilization/vaccination of our future furry family member.
3. That I'm married to a man that's sensitive enough to get all weepy with me over losing our kitty.
4. And that he's smart enough to not make fun of me for choking on my own snot the day we put Paisano down. (He waited a few days to make fun of me.....)
5. That this weekend I get to go away with some FABULOUS girlfriends! There will be shopping, eating, gossiping, drinking, and much needed silliness!

See, just writing that all out put a smile on my face.

If you'd care to share, tell me something that you're thankful for in the comments!

Coming out of the sad

Saturday was hard - harder than I thought it would be. We cried, a lot. And not dainty-single-tear-rolling-down-the-cheek crying. Ugly-sobbing-choking-on-snot kind of crying. But, if you can't choke on your snot with the one you love.....

Friday was a nice night. Paisano snuggled and purred with both of us, and spent some time looking out one of his favorite windows to watch the birds in the yard. It was a good way to spend our last night as that family of four.

My punkin-pie went peacefully. It was obvious that he knew, as he didn't put up any fight at all when we laid him down on the table for the injection. Grumps and I both took that to mean that he was ready, even relieved.

I miss him, terribly. I've been sad (for him) for a month now. I'll be sad for as long as I need to be. But it is a relief to know that he's not sick anymore, and not in pain.

But I still miss his sweet smooshy little face, his big ol' clod-hopping paws, the way he'd carry a conversation with us, or come running (and often bitching) when we'd whistle for him, and the way he'd greet us at the door when we came home.

Life will be good again. We'll find another furry little thing to add to our family. But Paisano will always and forever be missed.

Saying Goodbye

Paisano snuggling with his sister, Kaylah.

My sweet and sassy lil man is down to his last days.

He's been through too much over the last few weeks. He had been responding to his chemo, but this week he backslid, a lot.

We've made THE appointment for Saturday.

It's time.

And I hate it.

I hate titles

I'm really, really working to find my happy place right now, but to be perfectly honest, I'm really fucking tired of feeling like life is shitting all over me.

I know - believe me I know - that I AM blessed, and things could be - and are for so many people - so much worse than they are.

But, let me briefly recap the last year for ya:

• April 2008: Surgery to remove more endometriosis. It went fabulously, so I suppose this is really a blessing. But the surgery itself was scary (I don't do surgery well... suppose I'll get used to it, as I'm sure there are more in my future).
• May 2008: Started Lupron, and had a pretty tough time with it (though it seemed to do its job, so blessing + curse at the same time).
• July 2008: Dad got sick
• August 2008: Grumps lost his job
• September 2008: I turned 30. And yes, in the grand scheme, that's not such a big deal. BUT, 30 was always my "must have kids by" age. I know it's ridiculous, but it hit me, hard.
• October 2008: Dad died
• November 2008: Grumps had a paperwork SNAFU with his college program, setting back his start date to spring semester, instead of winter.
• January 2009: Grumps mom got VERY ill, began a 6 week stint between the hospital and rehab center, and almost died on 3 separate occassions.
• March 2009: My kitty, the obnoxious yet lovable little shit that he is, is diagnosed with cancer. We're treating it aggressively, and he seems to be responding well, but it's costing us a fortune (umm, say halfway to an IVF cycle, and counting).

And through it all, the infertility is still always in the back of my mind. There isn't anything that the Grumps and I can do about it now, but it's always there, like a dull ache. I've tried convincing myself recently that maybe a life without kids wouldn't be so bad. We'd have time to focus on us, on our personal goals, on our marriage.

But, that all seems so empty.... so incomplete.

SO NOT FUCKING FAIR.

And then I transition from the weepy, why me bullshit, into the LIFE FUCKING SHITS ON MY PARADE ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT tirade.

and when I'm like this, I really don't feel like subjecting the rest of the world to my ugliness. So I hide, and mope, and "cave dwell".

I suppose that's a really long and winding way to explain why I haven't been around. I'm still reading though, and the wonderful news I've seen out in our little corner of the internet has warmed my heart, and put a giant, shit-eating grin on my face.

Unfortunately, that only lasts a moment, and then I go back into the ugliness.

So now, I'm going back into hiding. I'll try and pop my head out a little more frequently.

Oh, the Choices

Well, not choices - more like choice.

I saw Dr. Voodoo yesterday for my follow-up appointment to the HSG (which he again confirmed came back fine, no worries with my tubes).

But then he asked if I wanted to give Clomid a try.

Ugh

Yes, I do.

But, no - I don't.

I want kids, we want kids.

But is now really the time?

But, is there ever really a good time?

OK, but now is a potentially BAD time.

But, if we're not going to do this - I mean really DO this, than why the hell did I have surgery last year? And why did I go through 6 months of Lupron treatments?

But really - our finances are precarious at best (tho we're making it - some months I haven't the foggiest idea how, but we are).

But, again... I don't want last year to be a waste. And I'm WELL AWARE that Clomid is the teeny tiniest little step into "treatment". So teeny tiny that I honestly have a hard time even referring to it as treatment, but it is the next logical step for us. And the longer we put off doing something, the greater the chance that the endo will return severely enough that I'll need another surgery to clean it out.

But, Grumps and I agreed that we'd take the next 2 years and focus on him getting through school, while we both attempt to side hussle as much cash as we can to keep the overall financial picture improving (which, somehow, it is).

So, I told Dr Voodoo that although we weren't preventing a pregnancy, I wasn't really sure that this was the best time for us to actively seek one out. I told him that I'd need to talk to Grumps about it, and asked what kind of time frame we were looking at. Fortunately, he said that if we decide to give Clomid a whirl within the next month or 2, he can give me the script with just a phone call. Beyond that, he'd want to see me again before writing it.

I mentioned it briefly to the Grumps last night. I asked him to give it some thought, and told him that I will be doing the same. I figure sometime over the next week or so we'll need to sit down and have a conversation about it.

Part of me thinks it would be a good idea to figure out how I feel about it before we talk. But... well... that italicized part up there - that runs through my head about 400 times an hour.

Lost my voice

I'm still here - still living this life of mine. There are things going on - lots of them - but nothing seems blog worthy.

I don't have any news on the infertility front. My HSG was a couple of weeks ago, and it came back fine. My cycles seem to be "normal" since coming off the Lupron (ranging from 28 to 33 days), and I believe I'm ovulating regularly. Unfortunately, because of our current situation, there will be no "trying" to conceive. We're not preventing, but............ To be honest, the idea of getting pregnant right now terrifies me.

G's mom is doing miraculously well, and should be coming home tomorrow. She's still not 100%, but is much closer to it than any of us would have believed possible. Her feet are firmly planted on the road to recovery.

G's in school, and LOVING it. He just started looking at his options for next semester (to begin in May).

Our finances are - there. I'm freaked the fuck out about how we're going to get through the next 2 years. I keep telling myself that we will be ok, that we have always found our way through our financial issues before, and we will do it again. Plans have been altered, financial cushions are being padded to the best of our ability, and expenses are being cut to the minimums. Each day the same as the day before, and so it shall be until G has his degree.

And that's that. Wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, pay bills, clean, rinse and repeat. Throw in the family obligations, or the rare time with friends, and that's my life. Told you it isn't blog worthy.

Role Reversal

Over the last few weeks, the Grumps and I have taken on a bit of a role reversal from last year. During the summer and fall, I was completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of managing my Dad's care. I had the support of my sisters, and fortunately we all seemed to agree on almost every decision that was tossed our way. And we were able to reasonably discuss those handful of things that we weren't on exactly the same page about, reaching a compromise that we all could be genuinely satisfied with.

I'm learning just how fortunate I am that we were all able to work together in this way, and that we're even more fortunate to be able to continue to build a sister relationship in the aftermath of losing Dad.

Sadly, it has become painfully obvious over the last few weeks that not all families work this way.

Grumpy's mom is ill - has been for a long loooooooooooooooooooong time. I'm not going to go into too many details here, at least not the specifics, as they aren't my details to share. Just believe me when I say that she's ill.

She's been hospitalized for almost 3 weeks now. In that time, she's had 2 separate extended ICU stays, a dialysis treatment, a surgery, 24 hours on a ventilator, countless medications, and we almost lost her more than once. She's on the long, slow road to recovery now, and we're realistically hoping that she'll be able to go home within the next week or 2.

On the flip side of her almost miraculous recovery (especially this week), is the damage that's been done to the immediate family. Lies have been told, wishes ignored, fights started, secrets kept and betrayed... All levels of human interpersonal ugliness have been explored and exploited. And here I sit, just to the outside of the immediate inside (does that makes sense? let me try this: I'm more involved on a daily basis than Grumpy's siblings because of proximity, but obviously I'm not her daughter, so I try not to take on too much responsibility, or step over the bounds of my "appropriate" role.), wondering what I can do to help, who I should support, and how to do it.

Obviously, my first responsibility is to Grumps. I'm the one that needs to keep things running on our homefront, so that he has a safe place to be without adding additional stress (he was FABULOUS with this for me during the Dad saga). I need to be his place to unload, get angry, be scared, whatever. That part I'm certain of.

But after Grumpy, who should be my priority? I work for his Dad, his Mom is ill and needs all the support she can get, his siblings aren't here in town and feel a bit out of the loop, when his niece or nephew are in town they sometimes need time away from the stress of Grandma being in the hospital. And to be honest, sometimes "choosing sides" isn't an option. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by someone's behavior that I can't stand to hear them, let alone be supportive. Sometimes someone is being so needy and dependent about the circumstances that I want to shake them to remind them that we're ALL going through this.

Sometimes I want to sit in a corner and cry, because Grumpy's Mom is going to come home, and my Dad didn't. And maybe that's what my problem is in all of this.

Maybe it's not my responsibility to be mediator, to take sides, to try to support everyone. Maybe it's ok to just be Grumpy's wife, and to do my best to make sure that HIS needs are met.

Is that ok?

Sorry

I just realized that it's been 2 weeks since I posted here. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Grumpy's mom is in the hospital (has been since last Saturday), so our world has been a bit upside down lately. She's working on getting better, but has a lot of work ahead, and a big surgery to get through. I'll share more details as I'm able.

In other news, I'm still working on my 101 in 1,001, if you're interested in checking out the progress!

Oh, and Zoloft is LOVELY!!! The anxiety is much much better, and I'm sleeping a lot better. I do think I might talk to the doc at my one month follow-up to see if it's worth trying at the next dosage up from where I'm at.

The miracle med?

My appointment went well on Thursday. I had a nice chat with my GP, who quickly agreed that it was time to give some medication a try. One thing she said that really stuck with me...

No one would dare withhold insulin from a diabetic. I don't see why the same
doesn't hold true for Serotonin.

She wrote me a script for 50mg of Zoloft, with instructions to start the first few days at half a pill, just to ease myself into the medication.

I spoke with a friend Friday afternoon, who kindly asked about my appointment, and how I was feeling. I told her that I was certain it was either mind over matter or a placebo effect, but I actually felt significantly better on Friday, and again on Saturday. Unfortunately, Sunday I woke up to a killer sinus headache that stuck with me all day, and today I am sans headache, but back to "normal" emotionally (meaning my "not so fun" normal, not socially "acceptable" normal).''

I will say that taking the step to get help has lifted a weight. This is something that I've been considering for years, and haven't been able to move myself to do it. I don't yet know if this is the dosage or even the medication for me, but I do know that I've taken that first step down the path towards getting healthy. And I feel really good about that.

Taking the plunge

Or, maybe more appropriately - fighting my way out of the deep...

I called my GP today for an appointment. When the receptionist asked why I was coming in I replied with, "I need to get on an anti-depressant.".

So, for any of you that have been through this, do you have any advice for this appointment? Things to be aware of, questions to ask, anything?

I know I'll be asked about symptoms. I've been having all the textbook depression symptoms off and on for - oh - years now, but the last few months have been more on than off. I do have family history for clinical depression, and - let's face it, I've had a hell of a year. And although things seem to be getting "better", they are still in a significant amount of turmoil. Lots of changes in my household, in my head, and in my heart, and quite frankly, I need SOMETHING to help get me through it. SOMETHING that makes it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning, to put in a productive day at work, to make it not so terrifying to go out in the world, or to reach out to friends. SOMETHING that helps me get off the couch or out from under the covers without berating myself for HOURS about what a lazy, useless piece of shit I am. There's a pill for that, right?

My only med request is that we start with something that has a generic. Dad was on Prozac for a while, and had an awful time of it... HORRIBLE nightmares (Dad wouldn't admit to being afraid of much, but he was afraid of what that pill did to his dreams). I don't know if his problems would cause increased potential for me to have problems, but I will be sure to mention it to the doc.

My appointment is this Thursday, Jan 15th, in the afternoon. Any and all advice is appreciated.

And, if it's something you'd rather not discuss on a blog, leave me a comment and I can track you down via email.

Well, I survived!

Better than that, I think cousins night was a HUGE success! Everyone asked when we could do another one (which isn't going to be soon, unfortunately. trying to coordinate school breaks, work schedules, soccer, softball, band practice, etc etc etc is HARD!)

I was able to let go of my need to control EVERYTHING, and we all just hung out, watched movies, played games, laughed, and generally enjoyed each other. Don't think I could have asked for a better night! (Other than having the good sense NOT to try to sleep on the floor with all of them. What the hell was I thinking?)

I'm also surviving today. This would've been Dad's 80th birthday. I got a little teary eyed last night (over an episode of Scrubs of all things), but am holding it together ok today. I'd rather be home, but... oh well.

And, for anyone keeping track, today would have been testing day, but it's cd3. The good news is that last cycle was a textbook 28 days, so apparently Dr N is some kind of magical voodoo doctor or something, because I don't think I've had a 28 day cycle since I was on bcp.

This cycle, more good ol' fashioned "trying on our own". If it doesn't work, next cycle will be another HSG (my 3rd, for anyone keeping track), and then we'll have to see what happens after that. Personally, I'm leaning towards NOT getting into treatments right away, with the whole school/finances situation being what it is. And as long as the HSG comes out ok, and my cycle lengths stay normal, I don't see a reason to jump to treatments for a few months. Maybe I'll add in some temping or OPKs, but not much more than that until summer. Or, at least that's my line of thinking right now...