Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Staggering through the Blah

I'm in this emotional space right now - very rut like - where nothing is really wrong, but nothing feels really right either. I know that there is lots of right in my life, and that there could - and has been - so much more wrong. I'm just having a hard time focusing on the "right" these days.

I was talking to the Grumps about it this weekend. How incredibly proud I am of him for taking this leap, going back to school, and actively pursuing his dream. I am proud. But, I'm also jealous. A little jealous of the time he gets to spend at home, not dealing with the politics and personality bullshit that goes along with any job. But much, much more jealous of how driven he is. How it is that he KNOWS what he wants, and he's going after it.

I've thought a lot over the last few months about going back to school, finishing up my degree. The problem is that I have no idea what I'd want to get that degree in. Accounting is the logical choice, since I am about a third of the way to that degree in coursework, and I've been working in the field for 12 years now (pretty much my entire "professional" life). But, is this really what I want to do? Forever and ever?

It's easy. It makes sense. It's the logical choice. It's one of the few industries that IS still growing. It's a skill that every single business in operation needs. But, I don't think it's what I want.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what I DO want.

Well, I take that back. The kicker is that what I want to do with my life - what I've always wanted to do - I can't get a degree for. Paying tuition won't get me any where near it. At this point, I'm not sure that anything will.

***insert frustation here***

I know that most of this Blah is all up in my head. Yes, there are some issues that I need to work through. I need to decide if school is really something I want. And if it is, I need to get my ass in motion to get it done.

Grumps is between semesters next week, and I've decided to take the week off. We haven't had an entire week off together since our honeymoon, going on 6 years ago. And we both decided that it's been way too fucking long. We don't have any major plans: north to see our friends, introduce the kittens to camping, and bring the camper home; some cleaning/decluttering/home improvement stuff around the house; hopefully some bbq-ing, and some bonfires, and a lot of down time. I'm really, REALLY hoping that this little break from the everyday gives me a chance to recharge, reevaluate, and clear my head a bit.


Lori said...

It's so hard to referee between what is SMART to do and what you're passionate about. If, in fact, you are lucky enough to have a passion and recognize it.

May your down time be refreshing for your body and soul, Beth.

Kaci said...

I hope next week gives you what you need.

I believe we'll all figure out what we want to do when we grow up when we're too old to get it done.

Soapchick said...

Decisions, decisions. Maybe at some point you can go on a silent retreat and meditate about what you want to do with the rest of your working life. Then once hubby is done with school, you can go back if you want.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Aw ... Beth, I know *exactly* how you feel. I hope that those 10 days off and a trip up north give you some time to relax and re-energize. I'll be thinkin' of you.

chicklet said...

Jobs really do get tiresome, trying to keep up with the politics and the games, or the social butterflies who you just don't feel like being part of but guilt for not. I totally get it.