Friday, May 30, 2008

Lurpon Side Effects Inventory

  • hot flashes? check
  • headaches? check
  • "changes in mood"? definite check
  • vag dryness - not yet
  • decreased libido? check

Other interesting observations:

  • my anxiety is THRU THE FREAKIN ROOF!
  • I have some pretty nasty mid-cycle spotting.... almost a period, but not quite
  • I am tired, ALL the TIME
  • my sleep patterns are off. I'm having trouble getting to sleep at night, but I CANNOT get out of bed in the mornings. I've been late to work every day this week.

Of the above "interesting observations", none are listed as official "common side effects". BUT, I have seen lots of commentary similar on the web, via message boards, blogs, etc.

And just think, only 22 more weeks..... *bangs head against wall*

Thursday, May 29, 2008

A New Day

Today sometime, when you have a few moments, click over to Allison's blog. The detailed reasons behind this request can be summed up here (thanks, of course, to the wise & all-knowing Mel).
To sum up, Allison has a Wordpress blog, and apparently they track your "best day ever" based on number of visits to the blog. Allison's "best day ever" is the day she lost her daughter, Zoe.
I'm not familiar with Allison, or the details of her journey. All I know is that this must be a horrid reminder for her to have to face when she logs into her Wordpress account, and if I can help put an end to that, then damn it, I will. And I know you will, too.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Glass Ceiling?

This is a concept that's been rattling around in my brain for many, many years. This, however, is my first attempt at putting pen to paper (even in the virtual sense) and trying to verbalize it. Please accept my sincere apologies if this gets messy, or confusing.

I've felt, for more years/months/days than I want to count, that I'm stuck - being held down - can't get to that next level. Not just crossing the infertility threshold into parenting, but the next level of adulthood - of maturity.

I've done most of the right things. School, house, marriage, retirement accounts, life insurance, blah blah adult responsibilities. Yet, I feel like I'm developmentally stuck. Like I can't cross over to the "next phase" without kids.

And really, it's not just about not yet having a person to parent. It's more than that. Like my own development as a person - emotionally, intellectually - is stunted, here in this "almost" place. I feel like I "almost" have it all together (or most of it, anyway), like the Grumps and I are "almost" happy - no, not happy - content? complete?

It's like I can see that person that I'm destined to become - she's just over there, just across that great divide between where I am now, and where I know I am supposed to be. And yet, I'm stuck here, left to look longingly to that other life... the one I know I should be living. Try as I might, I can't quite reach her, can't get my foot into that world. Can't mingle her thoughts, her soul, her life, with my own.

She is the me that I see in my dreams. The one that somehow manages to pull it mostly together, even in the midst of the chaos that 3 kids (triplets? Grumpy seems to think so) brings to a home, to life. She still may never live in the perfect house, or have the perfect marriage, or the perfect bank balance, or perfect kids. And yet, she - that woman just out of reach - is at peace. Happy where she is in her life. Secure in the knowledge that she has fought hard to get where she is, and will fight as hard as she must in order to keep what she has.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get there... how to be that version of me. Or worse, how will I ever reconcile myself with the possibility that I may never get there? What if I don't? Will the Grumps & I, and whatever furkids we throw into the mix, be enough for me? For him? For us?


We made it safely home last night around 9pm. We opted NOT to take the cat this time, as Grumps thought he may be doing some work on the camper while we were up north, and all of the in & out while watching that a cat didn't escape.... well, just not worth it. We plan on going up again in a couple of weeks, and are considering bringing him then.

Nothing to report on the IF/TTC/Lupron fun, other than condom sex SUCKS. Nuff said!

Thursday, May 22, 2008


I am so TIRED this week! Anyone know if that's a Lupron side effect? I haven't seen it listed as an official s/e, but a girl can try... right?


Grumps & I are headed out of town this weekend! We're taking the camper on it's first real camping trip (I define a trip based on leaving the house, going somewhere, and returning to the house) to our friends' farm about 140 miles north of here! We're also taking the cat on his first camping trip. His first trip anywhere, actually. (And let me say that I'm not nearly as enthusiastic about that idea, but we're going to give it a shot.)


We leave tomorrow morning, and plan to be home early evening on Monday. Unfortunately, this means that I'll miss the start of NaComLeavMo but I will catch up within the first day or 2 that we're home.


This week has been a whirlwind of camper repairs, truck repairs (Grumpy's got this thing about having fully functioning brakes while towing an extra 6,000 lbs behind the truck. Go figure!), cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc etc etc. All of the general insanity that takes place before a vacation. Fortunately, I'm down to cooking (I'm taking this and this for dinner one night (yum!) and THE BEST BROWNIES EVER as our dish to pass at the bbq our friends are hosting), packing the camper (but at least the laundry and grocery shopping are done), and getting the puppy ready and delivered to her doggy-sitting Auntie.


Nothing new to report with the Lupron (other than being tired). Haven't had any pain, no more hot flashes... all seems to be going well. Knock on wood.


Please think SAFE TRIP thoughts for us this weekend. I'm a lil nervous, so I'm hoping things go smoothly!

Monday, May 19, 2008

And the first shot...

was no big deal. Nurse was great, barely felt the needle, and - to borrow Nancy's terminology, my hips/ass must be "like butter", because it went in really smoothly. I'm a little sore now, and the hot flashes have already begun. The only other noticeable s/e is that I feel like I have medicine head... general fogginess. Not sure if that effect is intensified because I am so close to surgery or not (and let's face it, it's a possibility - I was under for 3.5 hours... I'm sure it takes a bit longer than 31 days to get all of that anesthesia out of my system!).

I go back in for shot #2 (which will be in my left hip, since this one went into the right hip) on June 16 (and every 4 weeks thereafter, for either 4 or 6 shots, total), and I should get the Rx for the estrogen add back therapy. Next appointment with the doc is on July 8. I need to remember to talk to him about how to determine whether it's 4 or 6 months of Lupron treatment, how long once I'm off the med before we can start ttc again, and whether we're going to go "au naturale" for a while, or if we can jump right into Clomid (I think I might prefer that, just to be safe).

And to answer Nancy's question from my last post, I'm on a full birth control strength of Lupron (I think it's 3.75 mg every 4 weeks). I know that's a larger dose then given for IVF protocol, so I'm guessing that's why it's given IM vs SQ.

Holy crap, look at all that med talk, and abbreviation crap! I'm starting to feel like a real IFer now, instead of some groupie just tagging along for the ride. That really shouldn't excite me as much as it does...

Yay for 30 Days!

My first post-surgery cycle was a NORMAL length - 30 days! Sooooo freaking fantabulasticly exciting! (Sad, I know... but I gotta take it where I can get it!)

Have a call in to the Dr to get in for my first Lupron injection. Has to be today or tomorrow. Have the shot with me, and let me just say that freakin' IM needle scares the bejeezus outta me!

Will def update with details on the injection, and any s/e that I have. I want to have a record of that stuff.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Woot Woot!

Right the fuck on!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Is this what endo feels like?

I guess I've had endo for a long time now - at least 4 years. I was on the pill for 7 years before that, and never had regular cycles before the pill, so I don't really know how long I've had the endo. Fortunately, I've been incredibly blessed in that I don't experience the soul crushing pain that many endo patients report. Sure, I've had some extra rough crampy periods, but only once or twice can I remember staying home from work because of the pain.

Until yesterday.

It actually started on Tuesday night, with this horrible stabbing/shooting type pain. It would usually start a little higher than my right ovary, and radiate down as low as my pelvis, and up as high as my ribcage on the right. Every once in a while, I'd get a pain around the left ovary, but not as consistent, or intense, as the right side.

Added to that fun, I will spare you the details and just say that I stayed home from work yesterday because I was afraid to be more than a few steps from the bathroom. I don't know if this is related or not, but have heard that endo can cause such - unpleasantness.

Being that I've never really experiences symptoms before (other than whacked out cycle lengths, annovulation, and infertility), I'm not sure if this could be endo or not? Or could it be somehow related to the surgery? Or could it be something else entirely? Should I call the doc? Or should I play "wait & see" for a few more days?


Edited to add more info:

  • Surgery cleaned up my right ovary (big giant cyst was cut out of it, and other lesions were cauterized). Lefty is still a mess of endo, and is adhered to my uterus.
  • Today's new pain: lower back.
  • Some of this pain could be PMS related. I'm cd27 or 28, so AF *could* be on her way.

A Must Read...

... for anyone struggling with IF, or anyone supporting (or wanting to support) someone in the midst of this shit:

Cali linked thru to this article which offers advice for anyone wanting or needing to support an IFer. There is nothing there that I can't 100% agree with. Please, when you have a few moments, give it a read.

IFers, maybe this is a way to create some positive communication with those folks in our life that "just don't get it". I'm sensing a mass emailing heading out of my hotmail in the near future...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Calling all readers, it's NaComLeavMo!

Our IF Blogosphere's fearless leader, Mel, has created NaComLeavMo, her own answer to that NaBloPoMo krap! The idea is to get more conversation working across the blogosphere, and to open the lines of communication between communities.

I know that I have been krap krap KRAPPY at keeping up on my blogging friends, and on my own blog (oh, the shame!), so I'm taking this opportunity to turn it all around.... at least for a month.

Remember, this is open to ANYONE that wants to participate... the blogless and the blog savvy, those in the IF community, Mommy Bloggers, Cooking blogs, Finance blogs, random angry emo kid blogs, fashion blogs, you, you, you, and yes, you too! So click the pretty little icon above, and get thyself on the list!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

He must be joking, right?

In talking with Dr N in one of my follow up appointments, I've learned something new. And frustrating. And seemingly ridiculous.

Apparently, for the first month or 2 that I'm on Lupron, he wants us to use condoms.

Now, with my ridiculously annovulatory history (thank you endo, and Lord only knows what else), and the fact that we've been at this game for over four years with never ever even a hint of a 2nd line... I think the idea of "required contraceptives" is pretty laughable. Really, what are the odds?

But, the "good little patient" in me is hesitant to go against doctors orders, even in this seemingly (at least in my head) teeny tiny little way.

Opinions? Assvice? Anyone want to weigh in on this one? PLEASE?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Anyone out there on Lupron Depot?

I just did a quick search on Lupron (which I will be taking for 4-6 months to further heal my endo lesions), and found this site: EndoFacts

The site itself looks pretty useful, but the part I got excited about was this. It's a rebate form on Lupron prescriptions, and it *looks* to be a significant amount of cashola coming back. Here's the fine print, should you want to take a peek:

*This rebate is for out-of-pocket expenses, for up to $50 on your 3.75 mg prescription, or up to $175 on your -3 month 11.25 mg prescription. This offer is good for up to 6 doses of 3.75 mg or up to 2 doses of -3 month 11.25 mg, and up to $15 in savings on your purchase of generic norethindrone acetate on 6 occasions when accompanied by a prescription for Lupron Depot.

I'f I'm reading correctly, this means that I'll get $40 per month (my drug co-pay) back on the Lupron Rx, and a max of $15 per month of the estrogen ad-back (that's the norethindrone acetate) therapy. I can definitely deal with getting $205 to $315 of my out-of-pocket costs back!

I don't know that it will work for everyone (specifically those of you using Lupron during IVF protocols), but I definitely wanted to share it. Please, feel free to send it on to anyone that you think can use it.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Financial Update - On the Up Swing!

My 3 week medical leave is fortunately (Thank GOD) covered by our short-term disability insurance. I'm fairly certain that between the STD (that acronym is so wrong, no matter what you're using it for), and my AFLAC coverage (seriously, BEST-THING-EVER! I love me my AFLAC!), I don't think we're going to be behind at all.

The downside is that our cash flow is all wonky. Grumps & I both get paid weekly, he on Tue, and me on Fri. Yes, we live paycheck to paycheck right now (trying to slam as much $ as we can towards our debt), but paycheck to paycheck when they're only 3 days apart isn't bad at all.

At this point, I'm not getting any more checks from work until I've been back for a week, and we're waiting on both the AFLAC check and the hospital bill to arrive. I know what our max payout for all surgery related stuff will be, but I'm not sure how it will be billed - or when. I have a general idea of what our AFLAC check will be, but no idea when it will come in.

Bottom line, we have all this financial stuff up in the air right now, because there's all of these known income & expense situations, but the timing remains unknown. Frustrating for a bookkeeper (me) that runs as tight a financial ship as I can (at least timing wise), both at home, and at work.

Anyway, after that long & winding road of a verbal detour - we got our tax rebate today! WOOHOO!!!! It's already mentally spent of course, but, it's nice to see it there, and to have it's friendly little cushion in place!

NOW, if all the rest of that stuff would just GET HERE (AFLAC check, hospital bill), I could have everything all straightened out. I'm pretty sure that even with the hospital bill and some home improvement stuff we've earmarked out of the rebate, I'll be able to put a nice little chunk of change towards our debt.

Jeeze that got wordy - and ridiculously cumbersome. My apologies. Let me sum up: There is a light at the end of our financial tunnel, at least in the short term!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

not going anywhere

Thank you ladies, for all of your kind words on my last post. I'm here to stay.

I suppose I'm just frustrated. Tired of being stuck in this place of wanting to try (treatments, ol' fashioned "trying", something), and not being able to. I've been stuck here for 3 months - with another 4-6 to go, and it's already getting old. I just wish this wasn't all so fucking hard. Wish that I had an answer - some "easy button" to fix it. Really, I wish that our checkbook wasn't such a big factor in all of this.

I know the argument - the one that says "if you can't afford treatment, how in the world do you expect to afford kids". In a way, I agree with the logic behind it. I won't even BEGIN to guess how expensive raising little ones will be, and how that will impact our overall financial picture. But, the way I see it, that expense is spread out over a long, LONG term. And its guaranteed. If you have children, you have to clothe and feed them. You have to pay doctors co-pays for vaccines, and well-baby visits, and sick-baby visits. You have to buy car seats and cribs and high chairs, and and and ad nauseum. But, there's a real live PERSON that you're doing it all for.

$15k for a CHANCE at a real live person? In an economy that's failing? With property values dropping so fast it's making my head spin? With a husband working in the manufacturing industry? Not exactly a picture that makes me want to go take out a loan, ya know?

Patience, grace, strength, and peace Lord. Please help me to find patience, grace, strength, and peace.

Friday, May 2, 2008


Lately I seem to feel like I don't quite fit in this IF world anymore. This blog has gone darn near dark because I just don't have anything to say in the IF realm. I'm not in treatments, and won't be for quite a while. Surgery was certainly IF related, but it was relatively uneventful. Short of an ugly looking incision site (one of the four sites developed a hematoma, and its NASTY), the recovery has been quite uneventful, too. And believe me when I say I'm not complaining about that one teeny tiny little bit.

OK, so - I have a diagnosis - endometriosis (and hopefully that's all). And I have a "treatment plan" - surgery followed by 4 - 6 months of Lupron to put me into a chemical menopause and allow the remaining endo lesions to heal. Somewhere in there will be an HSG (my third, so absolutely nothing stressful about that), and quite possibly an SA for the GrumpyOne (his third as well - certainly not his favorite way to spend an hour (including drive time) but not too stressful at all). And then? Probably back to the beginning... plain ol' baby-making sex, and charting, possibly with some OPKs or CBE Monitor use thrown in (just for fun).

I have no plans of going back to the RE for at least 6 months after I'm off the Lupron. I need to see if I can ovulate on my own once the endo is cleaned up. And after that? A LOT of the "what if" plan is going to depend on our finances. And as much as I FUCKING HATE THAT, its our reality.

But, all of that is at least a year off. In the meantime, I'm just kind of here. Doing nothing TTC/IF related for the next 4-6 months, and doing it on our own for 6 months after that. So, why am I still here, in this world with all these women and men struggling with doctors and injections and invasive procedures and the complete emotional roller coaster HELL that all of this can be? I'm really feeling like an impostor, like a misfit. And yet, I've felt a kinship with some of the folks out here, have bonded with others, and feel an intense respect for anyone going through this, fighting their own way through this torture.

I don't fit, but I don't want to leave.