Desperately Seeking....

Serenity? Well, kind of, but that's not quite right...

Sanity? Close, but again, not quite right...

Simplicity! Ding ding ding, winner!

This last trip up north solidified it for us. We are not urban, or even suburban, people. We crave the peace and quiet that comes with not being able to see (or hear!) your neighbors, and of being able to tend to a garden without worrying about breaking some bullshit city ordinance. We fit in a place where "going for a walk" means spending an hour travelling the perimeter of your own property, instead of your neighborhood.

It's going to take some time, and planning, and sacrifice. But, we have a definitive goal in mind. In about 16 months, when Grumps has his degree and is fully certified to work anywhere in the state (and many other states, for that matter), we'll be looking for a new area to call home. Not necessarily a new state, but most definitely a new area...

The simple life is good for our souls, and we need to make it our everyday!

The Original BFF, Part 2

There was a falling out, and this was a big one. It was over men, of course. She suddenly didn't like the choices I was making, and I was so wrapped up in my choices that I no longer had time for her. I'd like to say that I was torn up about it, inconsolable even, but that would be a lie. I was so wrapped up in the warm fuzzies of new love that I hardly noticed the loss of my best friend.

Years went by without any contact at all. I thought of her occasionally. Hoped she and her (my?) family were well. Got over the hurt and anger of the fight, a fight which ended a multi-year friendship, and of which I can no longer remember the details.

And then, late last year, the inevitable happened. After over 10 years of no contact at all, I ran into her (my?) parents one Sunday morning at breakfast. They recognized me, and called to me before I had noticed them. I immediately ran over to them, big hugs for both, and sat down at their table. We caught up on all the major things in life (marriages, deaths, births (or lack thereof), etc). I didn't have any paper with me, so I found a business card in my wallet, added my personal email, and told them that if H was interested, I'd love to hear from her.

A month or 2 went by without anything. I had almost forgotten the encounter, when a friend request popped up on facebook. It was H. We chatted a few times through FB and email, and quickly made plans to meet for breakfast.

To say I was nervous for that breakfast would be an understatement. I couldn't decide what to wear, and settled on going the "comfort" route, over the "style" route. I woke up 3 hours early. I drank a pot of coffee and smoked a half pack of cigarettes before leaving the house. I drove the mile to the restaurant with my hands shaking and my stomach doing somersaults. I arrived 30 minutes early, got a table, drank another 2 cups of coffee and smoked 3 more cigarettes before she arrived.

She walked over to the table, and I immediately jumped up to hug her. Conversation was slow and awkward to start, but soon fell into our old familiar rhythm. We updated each other on surface things (education, marriage, travel, boyfriends, blah blah blah), and grazed a little more into the meat of some more intense issues (infertility, relationship issues, etc). It felt natural and comfortable, and truly as if we had just picked up where we left off 10 years ago.

When we finally pried ourselves away from the table (almost 3 hours later!) and got into our cars, I headed home with a light heart, and a giant grin on my face. I had found my friend once again. A friend that I realized I had missed terribly over the last 10 years. My long lost sister was back in my life, and I was going to soak up every moment of it.

A few weeks later, the high wore off.

We hadn't gotten together again, as her new semester of school had started, and Grumpy's mom had gotten very very ill. But we chatted regularly via email, and I believe there were even some phone calls in the mix. But something felt, off. Forced, almost.

And than it hit me.

Our friendship hadn't changed, but I had.

I was no longer the giggly school girl wrapped up in boys and reading between the lines of every conversation I ever had. I was no longer interested in impressing people, or "keeping up with the Joneses". I wasn't into the bar scene, or driving downtown to check out the new restaurant, or spending a night in Royal Oak having cocktails and people watching. I wasn't interested in attending internationally themed dinner parties and discussing politics.

Sure, I could do those things on occasion, but they weren't my life. They weren't comfortable for me. That's not who I am. And honestly, that's not who I want to be. I've worked hard to build the life I have, a life centered with my marriage and my home, surrounded with friends and family that I trust and care for deeply, and free from outside drama and unnecessary conflicts.
I like the life I have today, and I'm not willing to alter it to fit a friendship that felt natural, but in reality, I've long outgrown. It feels strange to realize that I've outgrown my Original BFF.

And to be fair, I'm certain that H has outgrown it as well. This is not meant to attack her AT ALL. Simply to illustrate how 2 like-minded little girls can grow up to discover they've become women who not only aren't on the same page about life, but are quite literally in different books.

The Original BFF

I think we all had one... that first person you shared everything with. Bad grades, horrible crushes, silly giggling secrets shared in hushed tones while listening to Journey (I can't be the only one that came of age in the 90s that thought I was OH SO COOL to be listening to "old school Journey", can I? CAN I?).

H wasn't my first best friend, if I'm to be honest. There were childhood friends before her, summers spent at the pool, learning to smoke behind the school administration building in the park between our houses, games of tag with the neighborhood kids. But H was the first one that really mattered, that really stuck.

We met on our first day at Jr High, and were completely inseparable from that point on. We learned to drive together, we drank for the first time together, we got our first jobs together. We shared and swapped boyfriends, we shopped, we giggled and gossipped and played Ouija and pretended to be psychiatrists. We did our homework and studied for exams at the little table in her kitchen. I think I spent almost as many nights sleeping on her bedroom floor as I did in my own bed. She was the sister I never had.

There were times in high school where are interests parted. She always had a flair for drama and creative writing, and I was always the logical straight-thinker. I took 4 years of Italian while she struggled through 1 semester of French simply to meet the requirement. She took drama and creative writing, and together we took Gothic Literature (this time only so that I could meet the 1 semester requirement).

We hit our junior year, and things started to change. I fell into a steady relationship (awww, first love!), and she spent much of her free time working with the drama department. Weeks went by without phone calls between us (remember, this was in the days before email). Months went by without me waking up on her floor to the sound of her younger brother fighting with her (and my emotionally adopted) parents.

During those last two years of high school, we never really had a falling out. Our lives changed, and we each pursued more and more activities that held no interest for the other.

And then life changed for both of us, and we rushed back to each other's worlds. We spent the summer after graduation almost inseparable once again. Most nights I could be found sleeping on her floor, most days she was occupying the shotgun seat in my sad little Mercury Lynx as we gallivanted around town our went off to our respective jobs.

In December of 1996, I met Grumps. My world was turned upside down almost instantly. Those nights spent on her floor were swapped with evenings falling asleep in his arms, setting the alarm to insure I had barely enough time to make it home before curfew. Days spent giggling and chatting with H were replaced by days with Grumpy, seeing movies, having dinner, getting to know each other.

H was still a good friend, still the best friend I had, and was most definitely by my side as I made the gradual move from my childhood house to my home with Grumps. We all spent a good amount of time together. We rang in 1997 at a memory filled party at Grumpy's house. H started dating one of Grump's friends. Game nights and underage drinking and double dates became the new normal.

And then everything changed.

To be continued

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

I look around at my life today, and it's completely different from what it was a year ago. And I know there are many, MANY more major changes to come in the next 18-24 months.

My marriage is better, stronger, happier than it's been in a while. It's not perfect (I'm not a believer in perfection anyway!), but it's good. Genuinely good.

Our house, our health, our conversations, our connection - have all improved to levels that we weren't striving for, and yet we've somehow managed to achieve. It's like I woke up one morning, looked around, and realized that I LIKE my life. Again, it's not perfect (ahem - children!) but it's really, really good!

Grumps is happier with his career life than I've ever seen him. Obviously he's not actually in the career yet, but the fact that he's pursuing it, and preparing for it - has brought about a light in him that I've never seen before.

I'll be honest and say that I'm nervous for the changes that are coming. 2 years from now will bring a new career for him, a new lifestyle for us, and quite possibly a move to a completely new part of the country. I live in the same city that I grew up in, and that my mother grew up in. We bought our house from Grumpy's grandma, and it's the house his Dad grew up in. We have roots here, and they run deep.

But, changes that normally would - and possibly should - terrify me, are only making me nervous. Because right now, I know that no matter what life throws at us, or what decisions lie ahead, Grumps and I will be getting through it together, working towards a common goal.

That knowledge has brought me more peace than I have ever known.

It's all very strange

As I stumble my way through the emotional mess that is "the grieving process" (can't you just see those air quotes? argh!), I find my body has decided on its own - process.

Apparently, my lady parts are remembering their purpose, and are working at getting the job done {read: OBVIOUS ovulation (for the first time evah) and raging (tho short) AF complete with a week! of PMS bitchyness (oh my poor husband)}.

Also, this week I spent a couple of days home sick, feeling all medicine-head-y (but without the medicine?). Naps are my friend, a whole lot. But, it seems as long as I can sleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon, I can eat whatever I want, exercise, or just lay like a lump on the couch with my remote. I am back at work today, but I long for the coziness of an afternoon on the couch...

And it seems as though my body, through no definitive choice of my brain - has decided that I am done smoking. Mind you, I'm not complaining or anything... it all just came on kind of suddenly. I was working up to the long, drawn-out break-up with my beloved Basic Menthol Lights. I fully intended to get there, had even started intentionally seeing less of them. But, my body? She's decided that she is DONE with that shit!

All in all, I'm not exactly complaining about any of this. It just all seems so... strange. So foreign. Like someone has replaced my mushy, unhealthy, broken body with a look-(and feel)-alike that wants to be... better.

Very strange, indeed.

Is it possible?

Could I actually be working my way to being comfortable - gasp - in my own skin?!?!

I've spent a LOT of years putting on a show, for family, for friends, for co-workers, and for strangers. The Grumps knows ME, as do a handful of really trusted friends. But all too often, I find myself trying to be the version of me that _____ would want me to be.

Worse... when I haven't had it in me to be that version, I've just completely disengaged.

I've certainly made some mistakes over the years, and I KNOW that I've made choices that my family didn't approve of. And for a long time, that really bothered me, and I felt the need to make up for it, to earn their approval.

***Let me pause here, and say that all of that disapproval was ALL ME... my family, even when they don't agree with the things I do, are always (or at least most of them) supportive of me.***

But somehow, over the last few weeks/months, I've noticed a change. When before, I was absolutely terrified to have people over (my house is too small, not clean enough, the furniture is old, the carpet is stained, blah blah blah), recently I've welcomed unexpected visitors with open arms, and without panic.

I'm PLANNING ways to have friends and family come visit at MY house... dinner parties, out of town house guests, girls sleep-over with some of my younger cousins... and I'm EXCITED, about people BEING IN MY HOUSE.

If I stop to think too much about it, I get a little panicky. But, if I can stay focused on going with the flow, the flow seems a whole lot less terrifying than it used to.

Very strange indeed, this maturity thing. Perhaps I'm getting used to it?

Wits End

I have about seventy bajillion things on my to-do list right now. Some are incredibly time-sensitive (pack office before Friday's move), some are big picture important with slightly more flexible deadlines (decide if Dad moving in is an option that Grumps and I are willing to offer up) and some really don't even belong on the list right now (clean out closets {yeah, 'cause THAT is high on the priority list}).

I'm tired of whining about the way my world is right now. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything to change it... at least not in any significant way. I'm tired of losing relationships - and letting go of others - because I just don't have the energy. I'm tired of kraptastic and unnecessary drama, and have zero tolerance for those people that I feel create it for themselves (yes, I realize how scathingly judgmental that makes me). I'm tired of the guilt I feel about not making more time for Dad, or that I'm making the wrong decisions on his behalf.

I miss my quiet world, my quiet head. I miss lazy Saturdays spent in bed with Grumps, the furkids on the floor next to us, doing nothing but watching a movie and harassing each other. I miss spontaneous dinners out, because I didn't feel like cooking and we had the disposable income that allowed me to not feel too guilty about spending a little money. I miss the excitement of a new netflix movie, or the relaxation of a quiet camping weekend.

I'm afraid that Dad is making the wrong decisions for himself, and that he won't let his 3 daughters make the decisions we all agree are the right ones. I'm afraid that as the Lupron makes it's way out of my system, all it will leave behind is the same old infertile me. I'm afraid that the damage that's been done to some of my relationships over the last 3 months will prove to be irreparable. I'm afraid that I've fallen so far into this place - this hurt, scared, little girl hiding in the corner version of myself - that I may never find my way back.

So much going on, lots to say about it.

Oh - where to begin?

Dad is still in the rehab/nursing home. We (the 3 of us girls) had a care conference with the social worker, charge nurse, and occupational therapist on Tuesday morning. Apparently, Dad's not been all that cooperative with therapy, and it's getting to a point where he could be at risk for not getting insurance approval to stay there. If that happens, then we have to get him on medicaid, and put him in a full-fledged nursing home.

After the care conference, Sis2 & I went with Dad to his group physical therapy. It's the first time I've seen him during therapy, and I was pretty impressed. He was doing the exercises pretty well, I'd say in the top 20% of the group. And then he got winded. And then he couldn't catch his breath at all. And then he got scared. And then? Then he was done. "Take me back to my room, I'm done for today", frustrated, angry, terrified... done.

Once we got him back to his room, and he settled down a bit, we had a heart-to-heart-to-heart-to-heart. We did our best to make it clear to him that he still has the opportunity to get better and go home, but HE has to do the work to get there. He not only has to do what's asked of him, but he has to take the initiative to do more for himself. It's ok to have to ask for help, but he can't keep expecting people to do for him, and he can't keep leaving therapy early. It seems to have helped, as Sis2 spent the afternoon with him, and he did everything asked of him in therapy, and more.

I'm not excited yet, but I am hopeful... Think of it as a delayed arrival of AF, or a + OPK... Hopeful for the potential, but very, very aware that there is a whole lot that can still go wrong.

On the Grumps front, not a whole lot has changed. He is signed up and approved for unemployment, and he should get his first direct deposit tomorrow. He attended a seminar on the education program, and was sent home with a laundry list of paperwork to complete/gather/bring to his consultation with his case-worker next month. He's adjusting to his new life at home, but is by no means happy about it. And still very much has good days and bad. We're trying to take one day at a time while keeping him focused on the things he can do to improve the situation (some certifications he's been meaning to test for, lots of house projects we haven't made the time for, etc). Definitely working hard to find & keep the balance.

Work has just turned batshit insane, as our office building was just sold and is being turned into an urgent care facility. Our lease is up at the end of October, so the last week and a half has been spent finding and seeing potential space. We think we've found where we want to go, and now have to go through the whole negotiations process (can you hear the excitement in my voice?). And then comes the moving process (more excitement I tell ya).

And, just for fun... Grump's Mom has her maintenance chemo appointment tomorrow, along with the follow-up appointment for her recent spleen CT (where she'll HOPEFULLY get some results). AND Grump's twin sister spent a few days in the hospital last week and weekend. She's home now, and the condition is one that the doctors can treat with medications. It should resolve without any lasting problems, but her medical history is complicated enough that we can never be sure of anything.

I jokingly told my Mom that I need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, because the fucking thing keeps dropping. At this point, I'm not so sure I was joking.

wha-huh?

Ever hit one of those points in life where planning seems like a lost cause? Or a luxury you can't afford? Yeah - I'm there.

I had all of these BIG PLANS about how I was going to get the house in better shape, and make some major progress toward bill payment, and get signed up for another continuing ed class this fall, and and and. I even had a big ol' 101 in 1001 post all written, and scheduled to run in a couple of weeks.

And then? well... life happened.

Dad's situation is still unstable. Altho, medically, he's greatly improved, his strength is G.O.N.E. My always thin father (5'7" and never more than 145 pounds) is now skinny - and not in a good way. The size medium pants my sister bought him literally FALL off of his frail body. He's still not eating anything beyond what he gets in his feeding tube (which, is another point of contention... he says they're not bringing him food. I'll bet he's not asked for it. AND, there is a dining room TWO DOORS from his room in the center. Think he could ask for some help to get into his wheelchair to go down there? Bah!), he's still having digestive system issues (and you don't want any more detail), and he's still not doing all the physical therapy they're asking if him.

I spoke with the business center at his rehab this week, and found out that his 100% pay runs out early next month. After that, he has a daily co-pay. And it's not a small one. I have no idea how we'll be able to keep him there long enough to build up his strength to go home. ESPECIALLY when he's being so uncooperative.

And, AND... the man has lost his grip on reality. Not in a frightening "not recognizing people" kind of way (thank the Lord for that much), but in a "I refuse to acknowledge that my daughters have lives outside of being at my beck and call". And let me tell you, he's become one demanding son of a bitch. Everything from "I need you to buy me new socks. And you have to bring them to me so I can approve them. But I'm not going to put them on my feet until they're washed, so you have to do that too." and "I need tennis shoes for physical therapy. Not gym shoes, tennis shoes. I don't like the shoes you brought me (the ones he had at home), so buy me new ones. But I don't know what kind." to "Do my laundry. I made a mess of one outfit and you're not going to like it." and "I need some money. But I don't want it here." (umm, huh?).

But his latest little demand/scheme has to take the cake. He told me yesterday that what he'd like to do is go home for breakfast, then come back for his morning therapy. Then go home again for lunch, and come back for afternoon therapy. Then go home for dinner, and come back to spend the night. Umm... WHAT? WHY does he not realize that a) it's a 20 mile round trip from the rehab to his apartment, b) my sister and I both work full time, and c) we both KNOW that if we got him out of there for ANY reason, we'd have a GIGANTIC fight on our hands to get him back! Fortunately, I was able to placate him with "I dont think you're strong enough for that right now Dad, but maybe in a few weeks". I can't WAIT to share that little conversation with my sisters!

On the Grumps front - he's gotten his unemployment totally approved, and should get his first check late next week. We've got his resume posted on the state website (required for unemployment), and he even got a call about it. AND he's signed up for a seminar next week on high-demand career educational assistance. We're waiting to see if he'll qualify for the educational program before really pushing the job hunt.

All of that is to say that all those lovely plans I had are totally out the window. I can't see until tomorrow (other than the Dad visitation schedule), let alone make any progress on any goals. Very much in "1 day at a time" mode right now.

The post that may or may not get published...

So, the back story....

The Grumps had been at his job for over 14 years. The last 6 of them have been miserable. Yet, he's felt a tremendous sense of loyalty to this place, so he's stuck it out. Through years without raises or reviews, of being expected to do a job for which he does not have the title or the pay - let alone the respect. Training the revolving door of newly hired coworkers. Covering for his foreman while the foreman is off managing his other career. Being the only person in the building with the capability of running ALL of the machines in the machine shop (literally, the foreman doesn't even know how to turn on Grump's machine, let alone get parts from it).

Now, that's not to say he has been the perfect employee. Lord knows that he hasn't.

He's had a bit of an "attitude problem" so to speak. But, I honestly can't fault him for that. He's been expected to do many, MANY things that he's not paid to do. Without a raise, and without a review, and without even a simple "thank you" for a job well done. He seemed to have hit the glass-ceiling as far as pay is concerned, as he discovered a couple of years ago that the new -hires he was training were only making slightly less than him.

He voiced his opinions - in a helpful, solution based way - on many occasions over the course of a few years. Some were met with gratitude, others were shot down, and quite a few were ignored all together.

In the last few months, that helpful, solution based attitude has been replaced with a "I'll do the job you pay me to do, and not a whole lot more" attitude. He's asked for raises, begged for performance reviews... all being met with either "I'd love to, but I can't" or his personal favorite, "I'll get back to you on that".

The last 6 months of his time there have been absolutely miserable. I can't remember the last time he didn't come home from work at the very least frustrated - if not full-on pissed off. But, he was still being talked to (by their standards) as a valued employee. We really thought that he had been welcomed in to the "family" there (are all small businesses run that way?).

Until Monday. I heard him come back home at about 7am. Barely awake myself, I asked him what he was doing home. "I got fired" was his response. Unceremoniously tossed out like a piece of trash. He's angry, frustrated, depressed, and quite honestly - heart broken. In many ways, it's like a divorce. (You spend 14 years somewhere, and tell me how you'd handle the rejection of being fired.)

I know in my heart that this is a good thing for him. It's been time to move on from that place - from that industry - for many, many years. The fear of the unknown, and our fear of "what comes next" has been the main thing holding him there, stuck in the comfort of familiarity.

As I mentioned in my last post, he really does have the potential for some great opportunities. A career change is quite possible - getting him out of the dying (at least in MI) manufacturing industry. He has the opportunity to CHOOSE what he wants to do now, rather than falling into a job that he can't seem to get out of, and turning it into a career. There is the potential for him to go back to school for his associates degree, and to enter a field that he's dreamed of since he was a child.

So please, help me to remember that this is all for the best. That in the long run, this really will be a WONDERFUL thing for him, for us. We both really believe this with all our hearts. Yet, it's hard to remember that in those moments when the fear and depression creep in. Being a 1 income family is terrifying. Being unemployed for the first time in your adult life is terrifying. Having to go back to school after not being there for over 17 years is terrifying (especially when he was never a stellar student to begin with).

But the terrifying can be exciting, too. Can't it?

45 Hours and Counting

The time finally came this weekend. I *think* I've quit smoking. I had my last (as in most recent, not as in never-again-for-the-rest-of-my-life) cig around 1pm Sat afternoon.

I don't know what clicked for me, but I woke up Sat morning just not wanting to smoke. Weird. It lasted until about noon, and then I was able to fight off the urge for another hour or so. I caved around 1, but only managed 2 or 3 puffs before feeling all nauseated and generally icky. So, I put it out, and haven't lit one since.

I haven't yet been able to give up the open pack in my purse. That's definitely my security blanket, and I'm just not ready to part with it (and you can't make me!).

I got thru yesterday just fine, but today is proving to be a bit more of a challenge... smoke breaks have always been my way to walk away from the frustration (ie bullshit) for a few minutes. Not doing that is harder than I thought it would be, but so far I'm working thru it.
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Have the follow-up with Dr. N at 6pm tonight. Will post when I have info.

obsession junkie?

I've not posted much in the last week or so because my mind has been on other things. With the camper purchase, and all the odds & ends that go with it (insurance, title transfer, registration, blah blah blah), my mind has really not been on TTC at all lately.

I must say, its been a very nice distraction. I wish that we had timed it during a 2ww, but it's a good distraction nonetheless. Which got me thinking...

Is it really a distraction, or just a new obsession?

Seems as tho my mind "works best" when it can completely focus on 1 thing, for ridiculously extended amounts of time. Sure, there have been other distractions over the last 3.5 years, some good and some bad, and yet, my mind always comes back to this obsession over kids. Or cycles. My chart. A new med. The next procedure. You get the idea.

I guess I'm just wondering when the obsession will end. Will getting pregnant stop it, or just transform it into something new? What about labor? First steps? First day of school? The discussion about siblings?

How do I calm this obsessive mind of mine? I feel as tho I'm doomed to always have something - anything - in my life that feels mentally and emotionally "all consuming". And to be honest, that's really scary. And it certainly can't be healthy.

So, seriously folks, how do I learn to calm my mind? Or at least refocus it into "obsessions" that I have more control over, that bring about something healthy for me, my family, etc? I'm really looking for some honest and constructive suggestions here. Help! Please!

time for a change?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and a lot of blog surfing, and I think I'm at a similar emotional place to a lot of my fellow bloggers out there.

It's really hit home lately that I'm WAY too focused on the "have nots" of my life, rather than the "haves". The obvious example being the kids we want desperately, and don't yet have. But sadly, my focus doesn't stop there.

I'm constantly wrapped up in my own little world of negative thoughts. Thinking about the debt we are going to have a hell of a time getting out of, or the house that I don't really want to be in anymore, or the job that I can't stand but feel completely stuck in, the fact that 75% of my closest friends live out of state and I don't get to see them nearly enough, and the list goes on & on & on & ON.

But what about the amazing husband that I do have, and the fact that if I let him, he makes me laugh, every single day. And not just polite little chuckles, but big hearty guffaws that come straight from the depths of my soul.

And that debt? Sure, its a mess. But we've been here before, and pulled ourselves out of it. And that money was spent on 1) starting the business, 2) improvements around the house, 3) a couple of vacations that we DESPERATELY needed, and 4) some "had to do" things, like the dog's surgery and some pretty major car repairs. We've overspent, but not frivolously. And we can, and WILL, turn it around.

The house... well, honestly, it'll never be my ideal. But I really do take comfort in knowing that even in this horrid Michigan economy, if one of us lost our job, the other CAN make the mortgage payment. We'll have to make some sacrifices, do without some things for a while, but we will have that roof over our heads, food on the table, and all the other necessities. Sadly, many of my fellow Michiganders don't have that same peace of mind. And that alone is worth FAR MORE to me than having the cute little 4 bedroom ranch with remodeled kitchen & 2.5 baths... and even more than the 5 bedroom house on 25 acres with a 2000 sq ft pole barn that is our "someday dream house". We'll get there some day, but right now... right now we're safe.

The job is, well, the job. Its got it's struggles, like any job does. Granted, this one comes with it's own unique set of difficulties, but I came back to it for a reason. Working for family does have its perks, especially once the kiddos DO decide to make their long awaited appearance. See, I figure its got to be pretty tough for the boss to get mad about you missing work for a sick kid, when that sick kid is his grandchild. There's logic there, see it? All in due time, it'll all be worth the hassle.

I wish with everything I have that I could spend more "in person" time with friends. But you know what? I'm pretty blessed to have so many people that care so much about me, and that I feel are sisters to me. And beyond that, I've got some really nice future vacation spots, and all I have to do is pay for the plane ticket!

So see, I think it's time I stopped acting like the spoiled little brat whining about wanting what I don't have. We WILL be parents, that WILL happen for us. I don't know when or how, but IT WILL HAPPEN! I honestly don't think I can take my focus off of that one specific "have not", but the rest of the list? Screw it... the rest of that "have not" list is bullshit, and I've given it far too much attention for far too long. Time to change it up a bit, and remind myself of how truly blessed I really am.

Time in the Hole

I often refer to my dark times, those borderline depression times, as my time in the hole. When all I want to do is sleep or get drunk, and not see, hear, or speak to anyone. Last year I spent a LOT of time in the hole, and to be honest, I scared myself.

I developed what was, for me anyway, a pretty serious drinking problem. Something about going from a 2 beer drunk to being able to put away a 5th of whatever I chose over the course of 2 evenings... yeah, it was a little scary. I wasn't eating well, if at all. On the days I actually went to work (and believe me, there were a LOT of days that I didn't even bother with that), I would force myself to eat some lunch. But most of my nutritional intake was from the booze.

I managed to lose 30+ lbs in about 3 months. It is nice to be 30 lbs lighter, but I'd take back that weight if I could give back those 3 months. It was the most stressful, depressing, frightening, gut-wrenching time of my life.

For those of you that were around during that time, I have 2 things. First, my sincere apologies for any scares I gave you. And second, my complete gratitude for all of your support. I truly don't know that I'd have made it thru to the other side of that without the support of some amazing people.

I'm putting all of this out there because I feel myself falling back into the hole. Call it a "warning" to those of you out there that may be starting to get a little concerned about me. I WILL BE OK. I'm struggling right now, but this is NOT a repeat of last year. Sleep is very much my friend, but booze is NOT (nor do I have any real desire to make friends with it again). I know that I'm withdrawing, and I will probably continue to do so.

Alone time helps me to sort thru my thoughts and feelings, to find a place for the grief and the ache that I'm experiencing. I'm sorry if you're hurt by my distance, but it's what I need right now. Please understand, and please don't be hurt or upset by it. When I'm ready, I'll find you, and I'll reach out again.

Much love to you all.

changing yourself

in recent months I've noticed (and had it brought to my attention), that I'm, well, a bitch. and not in the "good" self-confident, empowered way. more in the judgmental, opinionated "bad" way. I gotta tell you, this isn't something that I'm proud of.

I had always thought of myself as a pretty open minded, accepting chick. there were certain things that I didn't understand, or wouldn't choose for my own life. but I always figured that what people chose was their own damn business, and as long as they weren't having a negative impact on society or children, it wasn't anybody else's business.

apparently, that's not the case anymore. I've been told (by people that matter to me), and I've noticed myself, that I've become quite opinionated, judgmental, and even intolerant. and to be honest, I don't like that

now, I could point to all KINDS of reasons for the change in my demeanor... IF, the marriage problems, some really heinous things being said & done by former friends, family problems, stress, blah blah blah. the point is, I don't want to make excuses. I want to change it.

so, I think the blog will help that. it'll give me a place to vent those toxic thoughts without putting them out there in my day to day life. I figure if I can at least cut back on the number of times I open my mouth and nasty shit falls out, that HAS to be a good start towards stopping the nasty shit from entering my brain in the first place, right?

good in theory at least... only time will tell ikf it works in practice