Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Grumps and I have discovered a new type of therapy, and we may just try to market it...

Kitten Therapy!

Because really, it's damn near impossible to be depressed when you can watch 2 teeny tiny little furballs attacking their own tails.

Pics to come as soon as we get some on something other than a cell phone, but our 2 new girls are Cassie and Izzie, and we're both head over heels in love with them!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thankful Thursdays

In yet another effort to reset my perspective, I'm going to attempt to resurrect my Thankful Thursdays posts. Here's what I'm Thankful for today:

  1. That it's April 16th, and tax season is OVER!
  2. That my boss was very generous with tax season bonuses this year. So generous in fact, that we'll be able to pay off the smallest of our remaining 4 debts (because I so desperately need to pay off something!) and set aside some cash for the adoption/sterilization/vaccination of our future furry family member.
  3. That I'm married to a man that's sensitive enough to get all weepy with me over losing our kitty.
  4. And that he's smart enough to not make fun of me for choking on my own snot the day we put Paisano down. (He waited a few days to make fun of me.....)
  5. That this weekend I get to go away with some FABULOUS girlfriends! There will be shopping, eating, gossiping, drinking, and much needed silliness!

See, just writing that all out put a smile on my face.

If you'd care to share, tell me something that you're thankful for in the comments!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Coming out of the sad

Saturday was hard - harder than I thought it would be. We cried, a lot. And not dainty-single-tear-rolling-down-the-cheek crying. Ugly-sobbing-choking-on-snot kind of crying. But, if you can't choke on your snot with the one you love.....

Friday was a nice night. Paisano snuggled and purred with both of us, and spent some time looking out one of his favorite windows to watch the birds in the yard. It was a good way to spend our last night as that family of four.

My punkin-pie went peacefully. It was obvious that he knew, as he didn't put up any fight at all when we laid him down on the table for the injection. Grumps and I both took that to mean that he was ready, even relieved.

I miss him, terribly. I've been sad (for him) for a month now. I'll be sad for as long as I need to be. But it is a relief to know that he's not sick anymore, and not in pain.

But I still miss his sweet smooshy little face, his big ol' clod-hopping paws, the way he'd carry a conversation with us, or come running (and often bitching) when we'd whistle for him, and the way he'd greet us at the door when we came home.

Life will be good again. We'll find another furry little thing to add to our family. But Paisano will always and forever be missed.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Saying Goodbye

Paisano snuggling with his sister, Kaylah.

My sweet and sassy lil man is down to his last days.

He's been through too much over the last few weeks. He had been responding to his chemo, but this week he backslid, a lot.

We've made THE appointment for Saturday.

It's time.

And I hate it.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I hate titles

I'm really, really working to find my happy place right now, but to be perfectly honest, I'm really fucking tired of feeling like life is shitting all over me.

I know - believe me I know - that I AM blessed, and things could be - and are for so many people - so much worse than they are.

But, let me briefly recap the last year for ya:

  • April 2008: Surgery to remove more endometriosis. It went fabulously, so I suppose this is really a blessing. But the surgery itself was scary (I don't do surgery well... suppose I'll get used to it, as I'm sure there are more in my future).
  • May 2008: Started Lupron, and had a pretty tough time with it (though it seemed to do its job, so blessing + curse at the same time).
  • July 2008: Dad got sick
  • August 2008: Grumps lost his job
  • September 2008: I turned 30. And yes, in the grand scheme, that's not such a big deal. BUT, 30 was always my "must have kids by" age. I know it's ridiculous, but it hit me, hard.
  • October 2008: Dad died
  • November 2008: Grumps had a paperwork SNAFU with his college program, setting back his start date to spring semester, instead of winter.
  • January 2009: Grumps mom got VERY ill, began a 6 week stint between the hospital and rehab center, and almost died on 3 separate occassions.
  • March 2009: My kitty, the obnoxious yet lovable little shit that he is, is diagnosed with cancer. We're treating it aggressively, and he seems to be responding well, but it's costing us a fortune (umm, say halfway to an IVF cycle, and counting).

And through it all, the infertility is still always in the back of my mind. There isn't anything that the Grumps and I can do about it now, but it's always there, like a dull ache. I've tried convincing myself recently that maybe a life without kids wouldn't be so bad. We'd have time to focus on us, on our personal goals, on our marriage.

But, that all seems so empty.... so incomplete.


And then I transition from the weepy, why me bullshit, into the LIFE FUCKING SHITS ON MY PARADE ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT tirade.

and when I'm like this, I really don't feel like subjecting the rest of the world to my ugliness. So I hide, and mope, and "cave dwell".

I suppose that's a really long and winding way to explain why I haven't been around. I'm still reading though, and the wonderful news I've seen out in our little corner of the internet has warmed my heart, and put a giant, shit-eating grin on my face.

Unfortunately, that only lasts a moment, and then I go back into the ugliness.

So now, I'm going back into hiding. I'll try and pop my head out a little more frequently.