Monday, February 8, 2010

Cranky McCranky-Pants

First off, all things pregnancy related are still moving along swimmingly. I had a doctor appointment this morning, and Lil H and I are right on track in all measurable categories. I'm being kicked in all kinds of fun places as a regular occurrence, and sometimes I swear the lil sucker is trying to break out through my cervix. It's very strange - very strange indeed!

Now, if you're not interested in reading the ranting lunacy of a grieving, hormonal, bitchy pregnant person, I suggest you just click-click your sweet little self away from this here blog right about now.


Still here?

You're sure you want to do that?

Well, ok then...

But don't say you weren't warned!

As I've discussed many, many, many MANY times here before (seriously, check out the "Prayer Request" label), Grumpy's mom is ill.

She's recently gotten worse.

Much, MUCH worse.

As in, "no other treatment options" and "hospice services" worse. Fortunately, she's home, where she is undoubtedly more comfortable than if she were stuck in the hospital or other facility. Which, in itself, is a blessing. One daughter was in town to see her this past weekend, the other daughter will be in within a couple of weeks. The family is preparing to say good-bye, and left with nothing to do but wait for the end.

And that SUCKS!

If you've never been through it before, let me say that in my opinion, having lived through both types of losses, I would much rather lose a family member suddenly than have to watch them fight and fight and fight, only to lose their battle and waste away to nothing. That's not to suggest that either situation is EASY - not by any stretch of the imagination. But watching someone's will to live be sucked out of their broken but not quite beaten body... It's a torture that I wouldn't wish on anyone, patient or caregivers.

In the midst of all the waiting, we're of course dealing with the personality conflicts that arise during such stressful times. Control-freaks that have no control over the situation their loved one is facing now find themselves grasping for control over whatever situation they are presented with - whether it's appropriate for them to control or not. Battered egos and too-long-held grudges are rearing their ugly heads. Decisions are made and re-made, depending on who feels the need to express their opinions, and whose opinions are deemed worthy of being considered. The family circles the wagons, while managing to throw stones at each other.

Everyone is overwhelmed and nobody has any opportunity to escape, or decompress, even for the tiniest of moments. Because we all know what reality is waiting for us at the end of that teeny, tiny escape... And reality is not any kind of fun right now.

I've never been much of an escapist... I've wished for things to be different, and have made lots and LOTS of plans to get them to change. Hell, I've even followed through on some of those plans. But right now all I want to do is take Grumps and our furkids someplace far, far away where there is no cell service, no wi-fi, no illness or decisions or commitments, where we can just BE for a little while. Quiet - silly - introspective - but most of all, alone. I'm craving quiet, and wanting very badly to circle our own little wagons. I suppose that could be an extension of the nesting instinct - wanting to protect our little family from the cruelties of the outside world. But, this isn't the outside world, and I don't have any choice but to broaden my shoulders, and carry whatever part of this familial load that I am able to carry...