Taking the plunge

Or, maybe more appropriately - fighting my way out of the deep...

I called my GP today for an appointment. When the receptionist asked why I was coming in I replied with, "I need to get on an anti-depressant.".

So, for any of you that have been through this, do you have any advice for this appointment? Things to be aware of, questions to ask, anything?

I know I'll be asked about symptoms. I've been having all the textbook depression symptoms off and on for - oh - years now, but the last few months have been more on than off. I do have family history for clinical depression, and - let's face it, I've had a hell of a year. And although things seem to be getting "better", they are still in a significant amount of turmoil. Lots of changes in my household, in my head, and in my heart, and quite frankly, I need SOMETHING to help get me through it. SOMETHING that makes it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning, to put in a productive day at work, to make it not so terrifying to go out in the world, or to reach out to friends. SOMETHING that helps me get off the couch or out from under the covers without berating myself for HOURS about what a lazy, useless piece of shit I am. There's a pill for that, right?

My only med request is that we start with something that has a generic. Dad was on Prozac for a while, and had an awful time of it... HORRIBLE nightmares (Dad wouldn't admit to being afraid of much, but he was afraid of what that pill did to his dreams). I don't know if his problems would cause increased potential for me to have problems, but I will be sure to mention it to the doc.

My appointment is this Thursday, Jan 15th, in the afternoon. Any and all advice is appreciated.

And, if it's something you'd rather not discuss on a blog, leave me a comment and I can track you down via email.

How do I know if it's time to talk to my Doc

about depression?

I've been thinking about it off & on for years, but pretty consistently over the last few months.

I have a family history on both Mom & Dad's sides, and have all the textbook symptoms (short of suicidal thoughts).

Part of me thinks it's time to suck it up and try to get some medicinal help. But the other part of me - the outrageously stubborn part - insists that I have a LOT going on right now, and not much of it is bright & cheery & sunny & happy. If there was ever a time in my life that situational depression would be justified... well, right now seems to top the list.

BUT - I've been like this consistently for 3 months now. I *usually* make it to work (late), and fake my way through most of my day. I go home exhausted, sleep for a few hours, eat something, veg in front of the tv (or laptop), and go back to bed. Repeat daily Mon - Thur (with a Dad visit thrown in the mix 1 or 2 times). The weekends are about the same, obviously missing work - but throwing in much more sleep.

I don't call friends, I don't see people, I don't engage, I don't clean my house, I only do laundry when it NEEDS to be done (and then only 1 load, just to get us through). I go grocery shopping, but end up throwing a significant portion of the fresh food out, either because I don't cook, or I don't get it in the freezer before it spoils. My garden has been taken over by weeds and tomatoes that are rotting on the vine.

So tell me - Do I need to suck it up? Or is it time to get some medicinal help?

Puppy Crisis Averted

at least for now. I still want one - really really want one - but I have myself talked out of it for the time being.

Just a quick update style post:

• I get my LAST Lupron injection today! WOO-FREAKIN-HOO!!!! And thank the Lord, because our new insurance wasn't going to cover it the same way (if at all). The amazing staff at Dr. N's office happened upon a sample from a drug rep, and its MINE ALL MINE! 4 weeks from today, I will be OFF THE MED! (I think... I suppose I'll have to wait & see how it all works its way out of my system.) November will usher in some good ol' fashion TTC in our house (possibly accompanied by either BBT charting or OPKs, but nothing more involved than that).
• Grumps has had bunches of side work come in, so we're doing remarkably well financially. Not high on the hog by any stretch of the imagination - but things are flowing in a way that has allowed us to leave our savings in tact, and to even continue making some progress on the BIG UGLY DEBT.
• Dad is still in rehab. He asked Sis1 yesterday to take him to his apartment, and then got mad when she wouldn't. She & I discussed the possibility of taking him there for a while this weekend, but the more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with it. There are a whole lot of unknowns in a situation like that, and they all scare the holy bejeebus outta me.

And, to close with my Perfect Moment of last week:

Grumps had a former co-worker stop by Sunday morning (to pick up the car repair FROM HELL). Because of this, we were delayed for our normal Sunday breakfast date with friends, so I brewed a pot of coffee. I poured Grumps a travel mug full & took it out for him (like I do quite often), but this morning, his eyes LIT UP, and he said "Thank You SO MUCH Honey! I love you!".

Made me all warm & fuzzy!

Google-icious

ok, I've FINALLY gotten enough weird google searches to do a post on them. How these people find ME from these search terms, I have NO idea!

"Are dooce and beth still friends?"

• Best I can figure, this one got to me because I also read Dooce. Must have tripped in my google reader feed over there on the sidebar. But to answer your question, umm... no?

"meijer juice idle"

• I have no idea what you were even attempting to find with this one. Worse, I can't figure out how it got you to me. My sincere apologies.

"i was born on tuesday - does that mean that i am wednesday's child?"

• Niobe had this same search term in her stats. Her post on the strangeness of it got some pretty interesting comments, if you care to take a look.

"eighteen weeks pregnant ivf blog"

• I have absolutely no idea why Google sent you to me. I'm not now, nor have ever been 18 weeks pregnant. And I'm also not now, nor have ever been, undergoing ivf treatment. Clearly a waste of your time... shameful google!

many, MANY search terms related to lupron, so let me lump them all together here:

• "ivf lupron depot and nursing", I'm sorry, but I can only speak to 1 of those 3 search terms. Perhaps you should keep looking.
• "lupron depot blog", yeah, I suppose I can fall into this category. If you have any specific questions, please, ask them!
• "real people who have had the lupron depot 11.25 only one shot", sorry, but I'm only on the 3.75 dose. Keep searching!
• "lupron and panic attacks" and "lupron and panic disorder", yes, and yes. I will say that after the first couple of weeks (or maybe even once I started the estrogen add back?) the panic subsided considerably. Clearly, you're having some trouble with it, so I suggest you talk to your doctor. I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.
• "does lupron depot make you infertile?", yes, but only while you're taking it.
• "lupron depot hip pain", I'm sorry that your injection site is bothering you. I haven't experienced any problems like this, but I would recommend icing the site for a while to see if that helps. If you're still having pain the day after the injection, then I think you should talk to your doc.

Some recipes seem to pop up in the searches on a regular basis, so let me just link to them for you here:

• Jiffy Corn Souffle
• Linda's Taco Salad
• DaMamma's Pineapple Cake

And the "WTF Award" goes to: "eliminate pit stains"

• bathe
• and buy deodorant

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Michigan rain storms, followed by the cool relief of a cold front, ushered in with a lovely springtime breeze. Doesn't get much better than that!

Unless, of course, the lovely weather is coupled with the approval from Dr. N to begin estrogen add-back therapy! (Hip-Hip-HooRAY! for Estrogen!!!!)

The hot flashes aren't completely gone yet, but definitely reduced. I never did a daily count, but I'd estimate I was up to more than 20 a day, and at least a third of them had me breaking out in an honest-to-goodness sweat. Since starting the Estrogen yesterday, I am pretty sure I've had less than a dozen power surges. And of those, only 2 or 3 have left me having to wipe my brow.

Estrogen, you're my HERO!

Holy Pit-Stains Batman

I know, not all delicate & feminine. Have we met?

The only Lupron side effect I'm left with at this point is the hot flashes. I'm glad the rest has gone, but MY GAWD, I believe these freakin' things have gotten worse!

I'm actually breaking out in a sweat, at least a dozen times a day. And sweating isn't exactly my favorite passtime... unless it's achieved during, shall we say - adult - activities.

4 more days and I can start my estrogen... just 4 more days!

Lupron: 3 Weeks In

Today marks 3 weeks since my first shot. I have to go for #2 next Monday. I thought this would be a handy-dandy little time to take a peek at my experience... again.

- I am still having hot flashes. I'd say I average less than 10 in a "day" (24 hour period), but they are definitely more frequent during the night. In fact, the worst is when I'm laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. Most nights, I'll have 3 or 4 within a half hour. They generally only last a minute or 2, and are certainly tolerable. Just not delightful.

- The headaches are still there, but nothing horrible. It's almost like this constant, dull, achiness, rather than a "pounding" or "splitting" headache. Again, tolerable, but not delightful.

- The mood swings are also still there, but definitely seem to be levelling off. I feel more peaceful, less "wound too tight". Perhaps it's the summer, or the weekends away, or maybe just that I've somehow adjusted. But I'd be thrilled to not have to deal with those ridiculous panic attacks again.

- I seem to have a bit more energy these days. I'm falling asleep easier at night (after the hot flash routine), and getting up easier in the mornings. Sleep is gooooooooooooooooooood.

- The spotting has stopped again. Since starting this cycle, I've had 4 days of AF (short, but seemingly full flow), then 5 days without, then 1 day of spotting, 3 days of heavy spotting or light flow, then 4 more days of spotting, and the last 5 with nothing. 23 days into the cycle, and I've bled (in some form) for 12 of them. I think that's enough, no?

- I have completely lost my sex drive, which, sadly, I'm ok with. I'm so freakin dry that a simple TP use hurts - like sandpaper. And that's more graphic than anyone probably wanted or needed to know.

As a possibly related aside, The GrumpyOne & I are trying some magnetic therapy that was recommended by our chiropractor. He has a necklace and I have a bracelet, both made by TRION:Z. I can't honestly tell you if the magnets are really helping, or if it's all just the power of suggestion, but we have both commented on feeling better - in an overall, general way - since we got them. They can't hurt, right?

Lurpon Side Effects Inventory

• hot flashes? check
• headaches? check
• "changes in mood"? definite check
• vag dryness - not yet
• decreased libido? check

Other interesting observations:

• my anxiety is THRU THE FREAKIN ROOF!
• I have some pretty nasty mid-cycle spotting.... almost a period, but not quite
• I am tired, ALL the TIME
• my sleep patterns are off. I'm having trouble getting to sleep at night, but I CANNOT get out of bed in the mornings. I've been late to work every day this week.

Of the above "interesting observations", none are listed as official "common side effects". BUT, I have seen lots of commentary similar on the web, via message boards, blogs, etc.

And just think, only 22 more weeks..... *bangs head against wall*

And the first shot...

was no big deal. Nurse was great, barely felt the needle, and - to borrow Nancy's terminology, my hips/ass must be "like butter", because it went in really smoothly. I'm a little sore now, and the hot flashes have already begun. The only other noticeable s/e is that I feel like I have medicine head... general fogginess. Not sure if that effect is intensified because I am so close to surgery or not (and let's face it, it's a possibility - I was under for 3.5 hours... I'm sure it takes a bit longer than 31 days to get all of that anesthesia out of my system!).

I go back in for shot #2 (which will be in my left hip, since this one went into the right hip) on June 16 (and every 4 weeks thereafter, for either 4 or 6 shots, total), and I should get the Rx for the estrogen add back therapy. Next appointment with the doc is on July 8. I need to remember to talk to him about how to determine whether it's 4 or 6 months of Lupron treatment, how long once I'm off the med before we can start ttc again, and whether we're going to go "au naturale" for a while, or if we can jump right into Clomid (I think I might prefer that, just to be safe).


And to answer Nancy's question from my last post, I'm on a full birth control strength of Lupron (I think it's 3.75 mg every 4 weeks). I know that's a larger dose then given for IVF protocol, so I'm guessing that's why it's given IM vs SQ.


Holy crap, look at all that med talk, and abbreviation crap! I'm starting to feel like a real IFer now, instead of some groupie just tagging along for the ride. That really shouldn't excite me as much as it does...

Anyone out there on Lupron Depot?

I just did a quick search on Lupron (which I will be taking for 4-6 months to further heal my endo lesions), and found this site: EndoFacts

The site itself looks pretty useful, but the part I got excited about was this. It's a rebate form on Lupron prescriptions, and it *looks* to be a significant amount of cashola coming back. Here's the fine print, should you want to take a peek:

*This rebate is for out-of-pocket expenses, for up to $50 on your 3.75 mg prescription, or up to $175 on your -3 month 11.25 mg prescription. This offer is good for up to 6 doses of 3.75 mg or up to 2 doses of -3 month 11.25 mg, and up to $15 in savings on your purchase of generic norethindrone acetate on 6 occasions when accompanied by a prescription for Lupron Depot.

I'f I'm reading correctly, this means that I'll get $40 per month (my drug co-pay) back on the Lupron Rx, and a max of $15 per month of the estrogen ad-back (that's the norethindrone acetate) therapy. I can definitely deal with getting $205 to $315 of my out-of-pocket costs back!

I don't know that it will work for everyone (specifically those of you using Lupron during IVF protocols), but I definitely wanted to share it. Please, feel free to send it on to anyone that you think can use it.