I feel like I should be working towards something, but instead, I'm just kind of... floating?
The last several years have been spent fighting towards one goal or another... the wedding, trying to get pregnant, trying to stay married (that one was tough), trying to get our finances in order. Constantly working towards something that I had deemed "better" than where I was.
Yes, there are things I still want for my life - changes to make, goals to reach.
But, right now? I'm feeling this strange contentment to just.... be.
I'm still working towards financial stability, and I still want to be a mom, and I still want my marriage to be stronger, my house to be cleaner, my body to be healthier, blah blah blah. And I really am working towards all of those things, on some level. But instead of frenzied LEAPS or big giant spreadsheet lists, I seem to be taking baby steps, and making small changes, and shifting priorities and habits in little tiny ways.
I'm not really sure when the change happened, or what brought it on. But this feels more stable, more attainable, and a whole hell of a lot less chaotic.
And I really have no idea why I decided to write this post, or what I'm trying to say in it. I guess I just needed to put this out there? Send it into the universe? Remind myself that it's ok to just be.
And as a somewhat related side note, my brain seems to have fallen back to my most recent mantra, one that was able to help me get centered during my most ugly times. It's simple, and short, but helps reel me in when my mind wants to go to the crazy. The weird thing is, I find my mind just falling to it naturally, instead of seeking it out as a touchstone to calm myself.
Anyway, the mantra:
Friday, May 29, 2009
I feel like I should be working towards something, but instead, I'm just kind of... floating?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Look at me, being almost, kinda-sorta regular about this here little feature... Who'd a thunk it?
This week, I'm thankful:
- That Grumps and I didn't kill each other in the pretty much 10 solid days we just spent together (something to be proud of, too - believe me!)
- That a certain someone has kicked me in the ass to get the garden going! I just hope I'm not too horribly late with my seedlings! (although, last year I didn't plant tomato SEEDS until the end of June, and still managed to get some tasty treats off the plants).
- That somehow, someway, we're doing ok financially. I can't figure it out. Our debt is still U.G.L.Y., but I'm focusing on hoarding as much cash as I can right now (while still having some fun) until we know what the income situation will be like until Grumps is through the academy. But, the bills are all getting paid - on time - and our savings balance is actually going up!
- That I get to spend some time with family this weekend - possibly Friday with my Grandma, Saturday afternoon with my favorite Aunt, and Saturday night playing cards with the in-laws.
- That Grumps has another little side job lined up for next week that will bring in an extra couple hundred bucks!
If you're feeling so inclined, let me know what you're feeling thankful for in the comments!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The week off was EXACTLY what I needed. Grumps and I went north for a few days, we did some projects around the house, we spent time with friends and family, we played, we slept in, we loved on the fur kids.... it was a good break for me.
The Grumps - he is The Genius! I married me a 4.0 student! WOOHOO! Semester 2 starts tomorrow...
On the IF front... my cycles still seem to be fairly regular (30-35 days). We haven't discussed Clomid any further, nor have we talked about a timeline for "what comes next". I don't think we're avoiding it, I think we're both just really focused on other things right now. And, surprisingly, that feels ok.
Now, I'm making lists of other things I want to do around the house, I'm thinking about menus, and strategizing (instead of panicking) about our finances... things are good. And me likey!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
alternatives, Ford tells you exactly what you need to know, from one infertile to another."
Pamela Jeanne of Coming 2 Terms has published the book Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found.
Get out there and get your copies! Buy a copy for yourself, or one for a struggling friend, or one for that damned co-worker that can't seem to wedge their foot out of their mouth!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
It's time again for another not very weekly installment of Thankful Thursdays! (If this thing ever catches on, I may need to find someone that can help me make one of those fancy html buttons for it.)
This time around, I'm thankful:
- For the simple pleasure of watching the kittens play. They are each other's best friend and favorite toy!
- That I onlyhave 7.25 hours of work left before I have 10 DAYS OFF! (5 work days, 4 weekend days, and 1 holiday).
- That we're going up north for a couple of days to visit with friends, and introduce the kittens to camper life.
- That our weather is gorgeous and sunny today!
- That Grumps has 2 more class sessions left until he's done with this semester, and he's doing really well!
So tell me, what are you thankful for today?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I'm in this emotional space right now - very rut like - where nothing is really wrong, but nothing feels really right either. I know that there is lots of right in my life, and that there could - and has been - so much more wrong. I'm just having a hard time focusing on the "right" these days.
I was talking to the Grumps about it this weekend. How incredibly proud I am of him for taking this leap, going back to school, and actively pursuing his dream. I am proud. But, I'm also jealous. A little jealous of the time he gets to spend at home, not dealing with the politics and personality bullshit that goes along with any job. But much, much more jealous of how driven he is. How it is that he KNOWS what he wants, and he's going after it.
I've thought a lot over the last few months about going back to school, finishing up my degree. The problem is that I have no idea what I'd want to get that degree in. Accounting is the logical choice, since I am about a third of the way to that degree in coursework, and I've been working in the field for 12 years now (pretty much my entire "professional" life). But, is this really what I want to do? Forever and ever?
It's easy. It makes sense. It's the logical choice. It's one of the few industries that IS still growing. It's a skill that every single business in operation needs. But, I don't think it's what I want.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what I DO want.
Well, I take that back. The kicker is that what I want to do with my life - what I've always wanted to do - I can't get a degree for. Paying tuition won't get me any where near it. At this point, I'm not sure that anything will.
I know that most of this Blah is all up in my head. Yes, there are some issues that I need to work through. I need to decide if school is really something I want. And if it is, I need to get my ass in motion to get it done.
Grumps is between semesters next week, and I've decided to take the week off. We haven't had an entire week off together since our honeymoon, going on 6 years ago. And we both decided that it's been way too fucking long. We don't have any major plans: north to see our friends, introduce the kittens to camping, and bring the camper home; some cleaning/decluttering/home improvement stuff around the house; hopefully some bbq-ing, and some bonfires, and a lot of down time. I'm really, REALLY hoping that this little break from the everyday gives me a chance to recharge, reevaluate, and clear my head a bit.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Apparently, she's decided to take a nap on our guest bed!
When we first got the kittens, the only way we could tell them apart was that white patch of fur on Izzie's belly. It only took us a day to get the brilliant idea to buy them collars (non-matching), so that we knew who we were talking to without having to pick them up and look at a belly!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A friend of mine has finally taken the plunge and opened up her Etsy shop!
She's done lots of sewn items for her own kids, as well as for friends (I have my purple bed buddy (the microwave heating bag thingy) and I LOVE IT!).
So far, she's only placed her pettiskirts (modeled below by her daughter) on the Etsy shop. Other sellers have similar items posted for $60+, but my friend is a bargain hunter (like me), and has decided to price hers at $45.
Even though I don't have daughters, I know that many of you do (Nancy, Lori, Mel, Jim, Jen, R&R, I'm looking at you!), and these seem to be one of the latest "hot items" for little girls.
Do me a favor, and check it out at ShadiaDesigns on Etsy. Buy or don't buy, that's your call. But if you do buy, please let me know what you think! (And you can let me know what you think of her etsy, too!)
*** this is not a paid endorsement or review. blah blah blah legal crap. just go look at my friend's shop! ***
Edited to add: Shadia is currently running a sale with free shipping to the US, and $10 shipping (per skirt) to most international locations!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I know that I had promised pics of the kittens, but I only have this one of Bob (yes, Bob... our vet discovered - after some inspection - that Cassie may prefer a non-Pink collar).
It's taken some time, but Bob has clearly taken to his big sis, Kaylah.
Will post more pics as soon as my lazy self gets them off the camera and on to the computer.