Friday, April 3, 2009

I hate titles

I'm really, really working to find my happy place right now, but to be perfectly honest, I'm really fucking tired of feeling like life is shitting all over me.

I know - believe me I know - that I AM blessed, and things could be - and are for so many people - so much worse than they are.

But, let me briefly recap the last year for ya:

  • April 2008: Surgery to remove more endometriosis. It went fabulously, so I suppose this is really a blessing. But the surgery itself was scary (I don't do surgery well... suppose I'll get used to it, as I'm sure there are more in my future).
  • May 2008: Started Lupron, and had a pretty tough time with it (though it seemed to do its job, so blessing + curse at the same time).
  • July 2008: Dad got sick
  • August 2008: Grumps lost his job
  • September 2008: I turned 30. And yes, in the grand scheme, that's not such a big deal. BUT, 30 was always my "must have kids by" age. I know it's ridiculous, but it hit me, hard.
  • October 2008: Dad died
  • November 2008: Grumps had a paperwork SNAFU with his college program, setting back his start date to spring semester, instead of winter.
  • January 2009: Grumps mom got VERY ill, began a 6 week stint between the hospital and rehab center, and almost died on 3 separate occassions.
  • March 2009: My kitty, the obnoxious yet lovable little shit that he is, is diagnosed with cancer. We're treating it aggressively, and he seems to be responding well, but it's costing us a fortune (umm, say halfway to an IVF cycle, and counting).

And through it all, the infertility is still always in the back of my mind. There isn't anything that the Grumps and I can do about it now, but it's always there, like a dull ache. I've tried convincing myself recently that maybe a life without kids wouldn't be so bad. We'd have time to focus on us, on our personal goals, on our marriage.

But, that all seems so empty.... so incomplete.

SO NOT FUCKING FAIR.

And then I transition from the weepy, why me bullshit, into the LIFE FUCKING SHITS ON MY PARADE ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT tirade.

and when I'm like this, I really don't feel like subjecting the rest of the world to my ugliness. So I hide, and mope, and "cave dwell".

I suppose that's a really long and winding way to explain why I haven't been around. I'm still reading though, and the wonderful news I've seen out in our little corner of the internet has warmed my heart, and put a giant, shit-eating grin on my face.

Unfortunately, that only lasts a moment, and then I go back into the ugliness.

So now, I'm going back into hiding. I'll try and pop my head out a little more frequently.

6 Comments:

Soapchick said...

Hi Beth, glad to hear from you even though you are feeling crappy. I do hope that when the sun starts shinining in Michigan(hopefully by May?) that maybe it helps bring a smile to your face and lifts your spirits. You've had a very tough year - no denying that, but keep your hope up - life has ups and downs and hopefully soon you are on an upswing. Hugs from your fellow birthday buddy.

Beautiful Mess said...

If you need to feel grumpy and crappy, then feel IT! If you try to cover it up, then it'll just get worse. Do what you need to do to take care of YOU! We're all here for you and will support you. Hang in there, hon!
*HUGS*

IBARMS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lori said...

You know, the post I read right before yours was Kami talking about just feeling her feelings. Not judging or resisting, but feeling.

http://infertilityadventure.blogspot.com/2009/04/working-it-out.html

It's hard. I know it's hard. Abiding with you where you are.

chicklet said...

I'm always here checking in. I get that you have to cave dwell sometimes but know you can also come out and vent. We get it. Even those of us who have good news get it cuz we do NOT get to forget the shite, even if we do get to smile a bit more finally.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Thinking of you, Beth. ((LOTS OF HUGS))