Tuesday, January 29, 2008


The GrumpyOne and I first started dating when I was 18, and he was 23. Yes, I do tease him about being a dirty old man. About 2 months after our first date, I moved into his house. About 3 months later, he proposed.

I laughed at that proposal. I still laugh at it. I think he was nuts! Hell, we both were! But at the tender age of 18, even though I loved him, and knew then that I would likely walk down the aisle with him, there was no way I was ready to make that commitment.

3 years later, he proposed again. This time though, we had talked about it... a lot! We had gone ring shopping, had even purchased my engagement ring and our wedding bands. The deal we made was that I'd take the pressure of picking out the ring off of him, but he had to surprise me with the proposal.

It took us another THREE AND A HALF YEARS to walk down the aisle. We hemmed & hawed, we planned & tossed those plans, we dreaded the 400 person wedding we "should" have, but we feared the family fall-out if we hopped a plane to Vegas. And then it hit us. The plan for our perfect wedding. So we planned, and pulled together the wedding that WE wanted, in all of 3 months time.

Unfortunately, in those 3 short months, Grumpy's grandmother passed away. We both grew up with our grandparents being a very integral part of our daily life, and the idea that he would be the only one of his cousins or siblings that wouldn't have Grandma at his wedding.... it was heartbreaking.

Although neither one of us jumped into the wedding planning sooner than we actually ended up doing it, I feel absolutely terrible. Did I drag my feet too long, and prevent him from having his Grandma see him walk down the aisle? He's never ever blamed me for this, never even suggested it. But still, the nagging guilt is there.

And now, with his mother's current health situation, his (our) children may very well be the only ones in the family to never know their Grandmother.

Thank you infertility, for adding another heaping helping of guilt on to my already over-flowing emotional plate.


Kaci said...

Aww Beth, you brought me to tears, I can only imagine how many you've shed over all this. I don't think Grumpy would want you to feel guilt about his grandmother or possibly his mother. I will continue praying for her, and of course praying that she gets those grandchildren soon. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew the right words to say. You know you are all in my prayers. Guilt is hard thing and it is very heavy on the heart. I just wish that you did not have this on top of everything else....


Meredith said...

I wish I had the words. Just know you and your mil are in our prayers. ((hugs)).

andrea_jennine said...

Just catching up... I'm so sorry for the recent negative and for your MIL's health issues. I will pray for you and your family.