Monday, November 19, 2007

Sadness

I think I've finally put my finger on how I've been feeling these last few weeks. I think I'm just sad, plain & simple.

I'm not angry or enraged, needing to fight the injustice that is infertility, and the torment it causes to all those effected by it.

I'm not depressed, thinking I may never find my way thru, my answer, my solution (altho I will admit that the sadness dips into the depression level from time to time).

I'm certainly not hopeful... not when it's cd33 and I still haven't ovulated. And not when I'm 3 years, 7 months, and 18 days into a journey that I conservatively (and pretty realistically) thought would take us a year.

I have my bitter days, when I fight the notion that I have to be one of the 12.5%. When I'm beaten and bruised that ANYONE has to deal with this, and simply horrified that I am one of those people.

I have my moments when I'm terrified... of what Grumpy & I must have done to deserve this, or that we will never find a treatment that will work for us, or that our "miracle treament" may be out of reach because of the financial considerations involved.

But, mostly I'm just sad. Sad that this is what my life is now. Sad that I see no light ahead, just tunnel. Sad that it's taking the joy out of my 4th Christmas season, when this used to be my absolute favorite time of year. Sad when I watch my husband play with our niece, nephew, cousins... and that voice in the back of my head wonders if he'll ever be able to roll on the floor with OUR child, or be able to put together toys on birthdays & Christmas for OUR child.

I know this isn't anything earth-shattering... it's nothing we haven't all been thru before (and may be again)... and that in itself makes me sad.

3 Comments:

chicklet said...

I'm so with you. It all just sucks and I'm not even that mad anymore, just plain sad.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Oh honey, I know how that feeling can overwhelm. It's so hard to fight every day for something that should occur more naturally. When the anger didn't force me ahead, the sadness would simply weigh me down. It does get better I want you to know but I also know that you'd prefer just to be pregnant. Thinking of you...and wishing you strength.

nancy said...

Well this makes ME sad for you.

I'm so sorry. And I so wish I could say this will all be over soon and you'll get your happy ending. Maybe you will, but you know I can't just say that. I am hopeful for you, that is for sure.

There's so many things that I wish for you - my primary IFer nemesis. (heh. now it sounds like we are super heroes). I just hope one of my wishes comes true for you. And soon.

I remember starting to feel apathetically sad. Not looking forward to anything, just expecting more failure. It sucks that IF has to not only take away the aspect of the joy of another life, but it's eats away at the life you already have. It's like you are wishing for more than 2, but makes you less than 2.

What a big ray of fucking sunshine I am right now. I'm trying to cheer you up and all I'm ending up doing is agreeing with your sadness.

Damn. Let's go out. You and me. I'll show you a good time!