Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Afraid of Success?

I think I'm actually afraid of finally winning at this damn "game". Fear is the only possibility I can cling to that might explain my ridiculous behavior over these past few cycles.

The metformin really does seem to be working (altho you can't tell that from this cycle, yet). I've had 2 definitive ovulation cycles since I've been on it. My cycle length is reducing to something MUCH more respectable. I have an idea of when I *should* ovulate (which I haven't ever had in the whole time we've been doing this, other than the monitored cycles with the RE).

And yet, when it comes down to "doing the deed", I can't muster the energy to do the damned deed. I know, I know, it shouldn't feel that way. But it does... "baby making" sex SUCKS, and anyone that's been in this game long enough knows that.

The last time we were really "trying", hubby said that he felt like a sperm donor, a means to an end. I'm starting to relate to that feeling... starting to feel like a "sperm receptacle", or an egg factory. My life is once again being dictated by the thermometer, and it frustrates the hell out of me. So I rebel... "Fuck it" I say. And then I get that lovely confirmed ovulation on my chart, and I spend the 2 week wait kicking myself, knowing that we're not really "in" for that cycle. And that I have nobody to blame but myself.

Do I need a break? Maybe. Maybe the stress of all of this is too much right now. We have lots of other stuff going on right now, I'm getting into my busy season at work, our finances are a mess, the holidays are coming, our marriage can still certainly use some TLC...

Will I take a break? I doubt it. We're not getting any younger, we're at the perfect time of year to conceive and avoid that busy work season, I've finally found something that makes me ovulate and I don't want to waste those good cycles or go off the med...

Maybe I'll hope that unplanned sex will actually be timed well enough for a *surprise* pregnancy. Maybe really try to get my shit together on all the other stuff I'm feeling so overwhelmed by, and if a baby puts itself in the mix, it'll be a bonus. Maybe just say "fuck it" until after the busy season, and get back to the RE in May.

Or maybe I'll just keep on whining about it all...

4 Comments:

Wen782 said...

Whine away. Saying fuck it is a reaction one gets to having it fail so much that we think, "Well, shit, even if we DO do it this time, will it really work? Pffft, I doubt it."

You actually caused me to have reason to ramble, but instead of filling up your comment space, I posted it over yonder. LOL

Kaci said...

Oh Beth, I know you don't want hugs but I don't know what else to do! I am so glad to see your charts looking pretty and know that the met is working. But you gotta do the deed. I know timed sex sucks, but but but...Only you & hubby can decide what's best for you - you know you'll have my support whatever you decide.

chicklet said...

Duty-sex is the WORST! I for one am not very good at doing anything that I HAVE to do, and neither is the husband, so turn this fun stuff into a HAVE TO, and yea, we struggle too. There's days where you just don't care, but then you know later you'll beat yourself up for not. Fun game...

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

You're not whining, so much as venting, which we all need to do sometimes. I'm with you on the TTC sex--it does suck. Both me and G despise that one week time period just because it is so bleh.

I think sometimes you just have to say "fuck it." Clearly, we have no control when we're trying, so we're not going to have any more control when we're not trying. Have you thought of a one month hiatus instead of a "break"? I'm in the midst of one now (though you probably can't tell with all my 2ww rambling on my own blog) and it's one of the best things I've done as of late because its been filled with lots of alcohol and (coerced) fun sex! It's a thought, especially in light of the approaching holidays. I look forward to reading about what you decide to do! :)