$h1t

When we were waiting for the ER docs to finish their paperwork and get him transferred up to the CCU (over 2 loooooooooooooooooooooong weeks ago now), Dad had 1 "request" (translation: demand). And I'm about to break it.

Don't I feel like a shit.

He looked up at me from that stupid hospital transport bed, and said "I'm not going to a fucking nursing home. My mother died in one, and my brother, and my sister. I won't do it. I'll step in front of a bus before I'll let that happen."

I calmed him down by telling him that all we were worried about right now was getting him admitted and into a room, so that the doctors could figure out what was going on, and get him on the mend.

Monday, a nurse approached my sisters and asked if we had looked into nursing homes. She thinks that it's time we do.

So here I sit, pretending to work, with a list of about 30 homes sitting in front of me. Some have been knocked because of location, others because I know too well their reputation. Those that remain are likely out of the question because of the expense.

I'm preparing to put my father in a home. And it FUCKING SUCKS.

This isn't something that's going to happen today, or tomorrow even. But it's coming. The social worker my sister spoke with seems fairly comfortable that it will be a temporary stay - a place for him to go when he's too well to be in the hospital, but too weak to be home on his own.

I don't know that we have any other options. If he needs round the clock care, there isn't any way that the 3 of us girls could make it happen without someone having to quit their job. Dad wouldn't be comfortable (nor would we) with any of us having to help him with his personal hygiene. Aides are expensive as all get out, and Dad has no money.

Grumps and I would be willing to have him stay with us for a while, but it has to be a "transition to home" situation. I can't have my Dad come to my house to die.

And yet, I don't want to send him to a nursing home, either.

I'm telling you, if he could get out of that bed, he'd walk his skinny little ass outside and step in front of a bus. And somehow, that would be a more fitting end for him.