Wednesday, July 23, 2008

$h1t

When we were waiting for the ER docs to finish their paperwork and get him transferred up to the CCU (over 2 loooooooooooooooooooooong weeks ago now), Dad had 1 "request" (translation: demand). And I'm about to break it.

Don't I feel like a shit.

He looked up at me from that stupid hospital transport bed, and said "I'm not going to a fucking nursing home. My mother died in one, and my brother, and my sister. I won't do it. I'll step in front of a bus before I'll let that happen."

I calmed him down by telling him that all we were worried about right now was getting him admitted and into a room, so that the doctors could figure out what was going on, and get him on the mend.

Monday, a nurse approached my sisters and asked if we had looked into nursing homes. She thinks that it's time we do.

So here I sit, pretending to work, with a list of about 30 homes sitting in front of me. Some have been knocked because of location, others because I know too well their reputation. Those that remain are likely out of the question because of the expense.

I'm preparing to put my father in a home. And it FUCKING SUCKS.

This isn't something that's going to happen today, or tomorrow even. But it's coming. The social worker my sister spoke with seems fairly comfortable that it will be a temporary stay - a place for him to go when he's too well to be in the hospital, but too weak to be home on his own.

I don't know that we have any other options. If he needs round the clock care, there isn't any way that the 3 of us girls could make it happen without someone having to quit their job. Dad wouldn't be comfortable (nor would we) with any of us having to help him with his personal hygiene. Aides are expensive as all get out, and Dad has no money.

Grumps and I would be willing to have him stay with us for a while, but it has to be a "transition to home" situation. I can't have my Dad come to my house to die.

And yet, I don't want to send him to a nursing home, either.

I'm telling you, if he could get out of that bed, he'd walk his skinny little ass outside and step in front of a bus. And somehow, that would be a more fitting end for him.

9 Comments:

Dea said...

I can't even begin to think how hard this is on you and your family. Just know I am thinking about you! I know that you will make the right decision!

Take care!

D

Life. Complicated. said...

Have you looked into visiting Angels? We are using them for my grandma - it si $12 an hour and they do the personal hygiene, etc. Maybe it could be an assisted living place instead of an all out nursing home.

GL!

Kaci said...

Try not to feel bad for breaking his request. You'l do the best you can, and he'll understand & appreciate it. (((hugs)))

nancy said...

Just a ~hugs~ from me. I'm thinking of you.

Lisa said...

Here from ICLW.

I don't have any suggestions or words of advice. I just wanted to offer my prayers that your dad has a short stay wherever he has to go and can be back home soon. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I dread the day I have to make the decisions you're faced with. Hugs to you.

Dreams Come True said...

I'm so sorry that you're being faced with this difficult decision. I hope that you can find an alternative. And failing that, I hope your father can come to an acceptance of what's happening and the reasons for it.

*ICLW

Mrs Woggie said...

How crappy for you. It must be so hard for you and your sisters to have to make that choice.

seriously? said...

I am so sorry, this is a very hard and very personal family decision to have to make. I know that you will be able to make the right decision for your family and your dad.

Geohde said...

My family had a similar predicament when we suddenly had to put my grandmother in care after her husband died unexpectedly. It was just awful. You have my sympathies,

J