Friday, May 2, 2008

misfit

Lately I seem to feel like I don't quite fit in this IF world anymore. This blog has gone darn near dark because I just don't have anything to say in the IF realm. I'm not in treatments, and won't be for quite a while. Surgery was certainly IF related, but it was relatively uneventful. Short of an ugly looking incision site (one of the four sites developed a hematoma, and its NASTY), the recovery has been quite uneventful, too. And believe me when I say I'm not complaining about that one teeny tiny little bit.

OK, so - I have a diagnosis - endometriosis (and hopefully that's all). And I have a "treatment plan" - surgery followed by 4 - 6 months of Lupron to put me into a chemical menopause and allow the remaining endo lesions to heal. Somewhere in there will be an HSG (my third, so absolutely nothing stressful about that), and quite possibly an SA for the GrumpyOne (his third as well - certainly not his favorite way to spend an hour (including drive time) but not too stressful at all). And then? Probably back to the beginning... plain ol' baby-making sex, and charting, possibly with some OPKs or CBE Monitor use thrown in (just for fun).

I have no plans of going back to the RE for at least 6 months after I'm off the Lupron. I need to see if I can ovulate on my own once the endo is cleaned up. And after that? A LOT of the "what if" plan is going to depend on our finances. And as much as I FUCKING HATE THAT, its our reality.

But, all of that is at least a year off. In the meantime, I'm just kind of here. Doing nothing TTC/IF related for the next 4-6 months, and doing it on our own for 6 months after that. So, why am I still here, in this world with all these women and men struggling with doctors and injections and invasive procedures and the complete emotional roller coaster HELL that all of this can be? I'm really feeling like an impostor, like a misfit. And yet, I've felt a kinship with some of the folks out here, have bonded with others, and feel an intense respect for anyone going through this, fighting their own way through this torture.

I don't fit, but I don't want to leave.

8 Comments:

nancy said...

You still "fit". Just because you are not actively ttc doesn't mean you can't BLOG for an IF community.

You know, I would go back to the RE immediately after the lupron. Girls with endo have the very best chance of conception immediately following the surgery. After lupron, you are going to let that grow back for 6 whole months. It's that time that is most important. Totally my opinion, but I thought I'd share.

(fyi - there is something with your blog that causes my computer to crash almost everytime. Do you have some weird sidebat code or something?)

BethH6703 said...

Nancy,

Thanks for the support. I've thought of going the RE route immediately, but we just can't afford it. I've been through the surgery before, but the last doc only removed a cyst - no other cleanup, and no Lupron therapy. I'm really hoping that the Lupron makes a difference this time.

And thanks for the heads up on the crashing issue. This is the first I've heard of it, but I cleaned up some of the crap on my sidebar. Let me know if it makes a difference.

Lori said...

Beth, by your criteria, I don't fit in either.

When I was feeling left out of something, my dad would say "draw a wider circle."

You are in my circle, and I hope you stay :-).

chicklet said...

Funny that nancy's the first to comment cuz I was goign to tell you to see Nancy's site - she was on hold for quite awhile with all her surgeries and she was still actively here and part of it. You can totally be here if you want, you're still going through it, just on a diff path.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Honey, I don't "fit" either by your definition, but that's not how I see it. There's a whole lot more to IF than treatment...

Tigger said...

I was actually thinking the other day about this very same thing. Do I really belong on the IF blogroll when I am not doing treatments? Am I really a member of the IF community with a right to call myself infertile or TTCing if I'm not doing treatments or charting or anything other than having sex at random?

I think the girls are right. We fit, because we know what it's like. We've been in the trenches and at least some of us will be back. We've just got a respite going on at the moment. You've got friends here, girly, remember that.

The Town Criers said...

Yes, you fit. Because no blog is entirely only about IF. We are more than our reproductive organs. And I'm frankly interested in reading about the rest of your world too.

**susy** said...

ITA w/ the other commenters. Just b/c there is no 'active treatment' doesn't mean you don't feel or understand the IF world. I like the draw a bigger circle idea. And besides, sometimes in the 'waiting' something might spring up.