Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Glass Ceiling?

This is a concept that's been rattling around in my brain for many, many years. This, however, is my first attempt at putting pen to paper (even in the virtual sense) and trying to verbalize it. Please accept my sincere apologies if this gets messy, or confusing.

I've felt, for more years/months/days than I want to count, that I'm stuck - being held down - can't get to that next level. Not just crossing the infertility threshold into parenting, but the next level of adulthood - of maturity.

I've done most of the right things. School, house, marriage, retirement accounts, life insurance, blah blah adult responsibilities. Yet, I feel like I'm developmentally stuck. Like I can't cross over to the "next phase" without kids.

And really, it's not just about not yet having a person to parent. It's more than that. Like my own development as a person - emotionally, intellectually - is stunted, here in this "almost" place. I feel like I "almost" have it all together (or most of it, anyway), like the Grumps and I are "almost" happy - no, not happy - content? complete?

It's like I can see that person that I'm destined to become - she's just over there, just across that great divide between where I am now, and where I know I am supposed to be. And yet, I'm stuck here, left to look longingly to that other life... the one I know I should be living. Try as I might, I can't quite reach her, can't get my foot into that world. Can't mingle her thoughts, her soul, her life, with my own.

She is the me that I see in my dreams. The one that somehow manages to pull it mostly together, even in the midst of the chaos that 3 kids (triplets? Grumpy seems to think so) brings to a home, to life. She still may never live in the perfect house, or have the perfect marriage, or the perfect bank balance, or perfect kids. And yet, she - that woman just out of reach - is at peace. Happy where she is in her life. Secure in the knowledge that she has fought hard to get where she is, and will fight as hard as she must in order to keep what she has.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get there... how to be that version of me. Or worse, how will I ever reconcile myself with the possibility that I may never get there? What if I don't? Will the Grumps & I, and whatever furkids we throw into the mix, be enough for me? For him? For us?


nancy said...

You need to buy yourself one of those glass breakers - the kind you keep in your car so you can break the window in case you are under water. That should help.

I totally understand your post though. I get it and see how you feel. I don't know how to answer those questions, but I hope you are able to come to some kind of an answer. Hopefully that answer lies in you finally getting pregnant, but until then, I hope something can bring you peace.

Kaci said...

Whoa. For me, I think I'm always "almost" there but never quite there. I like to think that if i was there, then what's the point...there's nowhere to go. Maybe that's my excuse? Hmmmm...your post is a great one that makes me think.

But you know I have to close my eyes & cover my ears to your last paragraph. You'll get there :) I know you will. Somehow, maybe not the way you planned, but you will get there.

Kelly D said...

In one of the networking groups I belong to we have a saying "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."

While during my IVF cycle I tried to remain as positive as possible. I realize this doesn't work for everyone. But remember, you are more than your infertility. It may be a part of you, but it is not who you are.

I noticed you are an Accountant. Are you in a networking group that offers both professional and personal development? I belong to Shared Vision Network and love the energy of the members. It's a good break from the day-to-day routine.

BethH6703 said...

Nancy & Kaci,

Thank you girls - as always - for the support. You both "get it", in ways that so, so many people in my world don't. You also both know that this was written at a rough time, and I will soon be sunshine & roses again, for a while at least.


Thanks so much for your input. I agree, that attitude is a huge part of the battle. I'm not so great in practicing that specific behavior these days... but I do understand it. No doubt that I could use a shot in the arm (toosh?) of some happy serum.

Dreamer4agift said...

I get it.

I hope you find those answers very soon.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Wow ... I totally get this. It's like the "Sliding Door" theory I have about just missing where I'm supposed to be in my life. Maybe if I took that step forward onto the "subway train of life" (sort of just like that movie with Gw. Paltrow) a little quicker in life ... I'd be where I want to be. I'd be that woman that both you and I so much long for. But of course I missed that train and now am left behind.

Yes, I know I'm rambling ... but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in these thoughts. And you're definitely not alone in metro-Detroit ... :-)

Yay for delurking! Thanks for your comment!

chicklet said...

Aaaa, blogger ate my comment I think? I said...

This, "Like my own development as a person - emotionally, intellectually - is stunted" is so where I am. I feel like I"m stuck in this circle of anger, jokes, depressed, and on and on and on, cuz I don't know where else to go. I'm with ya sista.

seriously? said...

Hi, visiting from NaComLeavMo. I understand what you are saying. I have the husband, the house, the education, the career, the puppy and still sometimes I can't believe that I am an adult. I sure don't feel like one. I wonder sometimes if that will ever change.

About wondering if it is enough, hopefully you will never have to know because you WILL be a mom. It is something I often wondered because of my family history. I asked DH before we married if it would be and he assured me it would. I am just not so sure if it is enough for me.

calliope said...

oh I SO know this. My life has been on pause since 2003. I mean granted that is also when I left my life and started taking care of my grandmother full time, but it is also when I started getting serious about starting a family. I feel completely stunted.


I hear you.