The Year of Suspicion

Our niece is 9 this year, and we think this may just be her very last year as a Santa believer. In fact, this is The Year of Suspicion. I think we all had that year, that it is a right of passage for children. You started to hear talk at school or from older siblings, maybe you identified the similarities between Santa's handwriting and your Mom's, or noticed the use of the same wrapping paper on gifts from Santa & from Mom & Dad.

I myself had The Year of Suspicion when my Sunday school leader sent home a letter to parents, requesting they bring "Gifts from Santa" the following Sunday so that the teachers would have time to wrap them before our church party. I was 6, just beginning to read well, and therefore reading everything I could get my hands on (sealed envelope addressed to my parents, be damned!).

This year, the niece greeted us on Christmas Eve with an autograph request. Turns out that she had written a note to Santa to leave with his cookies & milk, that also asked for his autograph. Apparently, the little stinker wanted to compare handwriting samples. I was impressed with her thought process, but Grumpy immediately started plotting a way to get 1 more Year of Belief from her.

...Let me preface this part of the story by telling you all that the Grumpy One, he loves his sleep. He'll nap at any opportunity he gets, he's the king of the snooze button, and he's nearly impossible to get out of bed in the morning. In fact, he's napping now, at 7pm on a Friday night, as I sit in the living room and blog. Welcome to our non-existant social life...

My sleep loving husband crafted himself a plan. He decided to borrow his Dad's Santa suit (Dad plays Santa at a charity event every year), and come back to the house in the middle of the night to deliver presents. He'd also sign the note while he was there, in a handwriting style that was completely foreign to his own.

You'd think he could have pulled this off without the suit, or that one of the 3 adults sleeping in that house that night could have managed to take care of the note from Santa in the wee hours of the morning. But, it was his idea, so he wanted to be the one to do it. And the suit? That was just in case he got caught.

The alarm went off at 4am, and the Grumpy One suited up, drove the 15 minutes to his parents house (hoping all the way to get pulled over and have a lovely little early morning chat with the lucky officer, but no dice), left the presents under the tree and the autograph on the note, nibbled on some cookies and drank a little milk, and drove the 15 minutes back home to de-suit and fall back into bed.

God, this man really needs to be a father. Can you help us make that happen?

Maybe we should change her name to Ruby Sue

We got home from a VERY long Christmas Day (hell, a VERY LONG holiday weekend, if I'm going to be honest about it) at around 10:30 Tuesday night. As usual, we were greeted by the 2 furkids, drowsy from sleeping all day, yet very happy to see us.

We loved on them both for a bit, and then Grumpy took Kaylah out to do her business. When he brought her inside, he noticed that her left eye was "weird". I don't know how to explain it... it was kind of bug-eyed and slightly bulging, while at the same time a bit "lazy" (it was out-of-line with the other eye). She was definitely favoring it (tilting her head down to the left), and was no longer her crazy, perky, golden retriever self.

We called our veterinary gurus, and Grumpy did his best to describe what had happened, or rather, what her symptoms were (since we didn't then, and still don't, have any idea what happened). After talking to the receptionist, and a vet tech, and a veterinarian, we decided to make the 90 mile (one-way) drive to have her seen.

Thank goodness we didn't have any weather going on, as the trip only took us about an hour & 20 minutes. We pulled into the clinic between 1 & 1:30 am. As I was getting Kaylah out of the back seat, I took a look at her eye, only to discover that it looked PERFECTLY NORMAL.

But, we had made the drive, so we took her in to be seen. A vet student looked at her, and said she looked ok, but would have the vet come see us. The vet came out, took a look, and said that all seemed well. The vet also said that she'd be happy to do a thorough exam, including some vision tests, but it would be a few hours, as they had some other emergencies coming in.

We thought about it, and talked about it, and decided to take her home and keep an eye on her. She's been fine ever since, and we still have no idea what the hell happened. We're a little worse for the wear, and the truck has a few more miles on it, but our Baby Girl is fine.

But, that's the second time this holiday season that I've felt like I'm living in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. The first was when Grumpy's company announced that there would be no Christmas bonuses this year. Now I feel like we should change our puppy's name from Kaylah to Ruby Sue.... "Falls in a well, her eyes go crossed. Gets kicked by a mule, they go straight again...."

Merry Christmas All!

Is it Wednesday yet?

too blah to title

I wish I had more to say these days, but I don't. Makes for an awfully sad little blog, and for that, I am truly sorry.

It's cd23, and my chart still doesn't show anything that looks like ovulation. Fun fun.

Christmas craziness has me doing all the normal last minute stuff: buying those last few gifts, wrapping what's been bought (which means I must vacuum, because I don't think most people would enjoy unwrapping golden retriever hair with their gift), making sure the Grumps & I both have appropriate clothing for the 2 day madness. Is it Wednesday yet?

Without going into any details, I'm going to ask you all for some prayers. Grumpy's mom is back in the hospital with some complications. She'll be ok, and should in fact be released today or tomorrow, but the added stress within the family might just be enough to crack someone this year. Fortunately, Grumps seems to have the most level head about it throughout his entire family, so I don't fear him being the one to crack. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for everyone else. So, if you have a moment, could you just say a little prayer for Mom's health, and everyone else's sanity?

In case this is my last post before Christmas, Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate it. Happy Holidays to all who celebrate something else. And enjoy the paid work holiday to all those who don't celebrate anything!

warning, lots of cycle babbling ahead

It's CD19 today, which means that I should be ovulating soon. Unfortunately, the evil bbt charting site can't decide if I already ovulated or not.

Up until just now, it showed me ovulating on cd9, making me 10dpo, and putting my official test date on Christmas morning. That's all fun and magical in a fairy tale sort of way, but we all know that's not the way things work for me, right. Here's why I (currently) think the site is fully of shit:

1. Ovulation on cd9? Come on, now! I am a LATE o'er, not an early one. And frankly, the idea of yet another cycle oddity really kind of pisses me off.
2. I believe that ovulation day was based solely on a crazy temp spike on cd10. If you look at my chart, you can see that it's not uncommon for me to have a crazy temp spike somewhere in the pre-o phase of my cycle.
3. We were up north in the camper for the weekend of cd8-10. Temps get colder out there, so that could have caused some kind of change in my chart. More importantly, I left my thermometer there. That's why the cd11 temp is missing. Because of this, I had to go buy a new thermometer. I bought the exact same brand/model/etc, but the temps from cd12 on are with the new thermometer, which could certainly cause a difference in the chart.

When I got back to work after lunch, I decided to play around a bit with my chart, so I added in my CM data. (side note: I don't normally track CM, but if I happen to notice it, then I chart it. And that was probably far more information than you were really interested in, huh? My sincere apologies for over-sharing.)

Once I put in CM data for yesterday & today, the site took away my CLs. Now, even though I firmly believe that this is a much more accurate picture of where I am in my cycle, as a frequent non-o'er, I HATE to lose CLs, even when I know they're bullshit.

All this to say that, as usual, I don't have a clue what my body is (or isn't) doing right now. And apparently, neither does the evil bbt charting site. Do YOU have any ideas?

Meet Me In The Stairwell

I normally wouldn't use my blog as a place to forward emails (even though this is the second time I have done just that in the last week), but this time of year all of our email boxes seem to get flooded with messages reminding us of the important things in life: Family, Friends, and Faith.

The following email touched me, and I wanted to share it with you. I love the very last line... such a simple message, and yet, one that's hard for me to remember. Hopefully this will help to remind me.

You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news on September 11, 2001. Neither will I. I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK...I am ready to go.'

I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan . I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me? Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you. But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well.

Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are 'ready to go.' I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

God

Never look down on anybody unless you're helping to pick them up.

Snow day?

It's very cold outside today. We got about 8" of snow for our first real "storm" of the season. Schools are closed all around here, as another not so subtle reminder (to me) of just how sissified this generation of kids has become.

Many of the school districts around me are bus districts, so I can understand why they would choose to take a snow day today. 8" falling in a 12-14 hour period, starting Saturday evening, makes for a LOT of cleanup to do before school on Monday morning. Side streets are the last on the list, so heavy snow + unplowed residential areas = very difficult for school buses. Makes sense.

However, the district that we live in, the one that I grew up in, is not a bus district. Our entire school district is about 4 square miles, with the high school pretty much in the middle. There is a middle school at the east end, and another at the west end. And there are 6 elementary schools scattered throughout. 90% of the homeowners have been responsible about keeping the sidewalks clear, and the 3 schools that I passed on my way to work this morning had been plowed out. So WHY is our district on a snow day today?

Disclaimer: This rant of mine has been blogged while I sit at my desk, wishing that I could have a snow day, too!

7 Random Things

I was tagged by Nancy to share 7 random things about myself, so here goes.

1. I have lived in the same suburb my entire life. The house my hubby & I bought (from his grandma) is about 2 miles from my Mom's house, and also about 2 miles (in the other direction) from the house she grew up in.
   
2. I have never broken a bone or been stung by anything that it stings. I am terrified of both, and run screaming like a banshee away from anything that flies and goes "bzzzzz".
   
3. I am a biker-chick-in-training. Hubby has a '85 V65 Magna, and I'm learning to be a good little Bitch Seat Occupant. I'm still nervous as all get out in traffic, but it is getting better.
   
4. I have a tendency to jump way ahead of myself when presented with a potential problem. I freak out about the worst case scenario for a while, and then calm myself back down into an approach that's more reasonable, and much more manageable.
   
5. In my 29.25 years on this earth, I have spent 6 months without a dog. I don't think a house without a dog could ever feel like home to me.
   
6. I believe in God, but am not at all religious. I believe that it is each person's responsibility to do the best they can for themselves, for their family, for their community, and for society as a whole.
   
7. I am becoming a terrible passenger seat driver. I'm really trying to work on it, but it takes time. Or, at least, it's taking ME time.

I'm tagging: Chicklet, R&R, Roy, Wendy, Tigger, Andrea Jennine, and Courtney

The Gratitude Campaign

I received this link in an email from a friend, and I wanted to share it with as many people as possible. I think the idea is phenomenal, and hope this spreads thru our nation like wildfire. If you have a few minutes, take a peek at this site, it explains everything.

Eleven years

Eleven years today, of loving the same man. Eleven years of weddings and divorces, births and deaths, crazy vacations and lazy Sunday afternoons in bed. Eleven Christmas mornings, eleven New Year's Eves, eleven first snows, and eleven "first Robin of spring"s. Surgeries & trips to the ER, family reunions and traveling with both sets of parents (separately, thank God!), losing old friends and making new ones... He's always been my constant. My support, my court jester, my safe haven, my sanity.

He's also been a gigantic pain in my ass, so don't you all go thinking that I've gotten all soft & smooshy over here.

But I love him, and I am so thankful to have him in my life. For the last eleven years, and I hope for all of them yet to come.

Ways to avoid work...

I know I'm not the only one that occasionally needs a distraction from work. I thought I would share some of *my* favorite distractions. So, here goes...

1. Obviously, you MUST catch up on your Google Reader (or bloglines, or whatever other feed service you use) and ALL of your email accounts.
2. Then I check out some of my favorite blog authors' favorite blogs. Link to link to link to link, stumbling my way thru the internet.
3. Gifts.com I LOVE to play with their gift idea generator. Check it out here.
4. Update my Queue at Netflix
5. See what the latest puzzle game is on MSN Zone (yes, I am blushing about this one)
6. Catch up on the news at CNN, Yahoo! News, or my local NBC site
7. Play random online games that I've collected over the years. Some favorites are:
   - Boomshine
   - Famousr
   - Elf (the movie) Snowball Fight
   - Escapa!
8. Play with my Blogger settings, or try to figure out what my next changes will be on my layout.
9. Stalk my Statcounter and Sitemeter, trying to label IP addresses for folks that I know.
10. Obsess over my BlogHer earnings reports, and try to think of ways to increase traffic.
11. Look around online for more recipes that I want to collect and keep here.
12. See if there is anything interesting on my Myspace or Facebook accounts.

How about you? What are some of your favorite distractions?

I'm a terrible infertile...

I have this friend, who's a bit older than I. By about 4 years. And she's nearing that "scary age" as far as fertility goes. You know, the one where you cross over into needing more "aggressive" treatment, and you automatically become "high risk"? Yeah, that age.

So, this friend of mine, has never, ever, EVER been interested in kids. Always put her very demanding career ahead of baby-making. That was the choice that she & her hubby made, and they were happy with it.

Well now, it seems that SHE has changed the plan. SHE has decided (without his knowledge or input) that SHE wants to have a baby next year. So SHE tossed her birth control. Because SHE is a believer that "the pill" has been the ONLY key to NOT getting pregnant.

Here's where me being the terrible infertile comes in...

I heard of her decision (from another mutual friend), and had a haughty little laugh to myself. "As if it's THAT easy... muwahahaha"

And then I find myself fearing that maybe, for her, it will be that easy. Maybe, despite her age, and her prior lack of interest (really, she's not wanted kids at all, up until this recent change of heart), it WILL be that easy for her. And maybe I'll have to deal with another person in my real world, who starts TTC after me (or doesn't start at all) reach the goal before me, even though we've been at it for over 3 and a half years, and this is the ONE THING that I've ALWAYS wanted to do with my life. And maybe I'll be stuck at the starting gate, again, watching as someone else reaches the finish line, again...

whine whine, bitch bitch, mope mope.... pity party anyone?

Christmas Kitty

I'm sorry the picture quality is so poor, but I had to try to share this one. See that white stripe coming down from the bright pink light? That's the cat's nose. If you look over to the left of his nose, you can make out his white paws.

He's under the Christmas tree, behind the nativity, where we'll be able to find him any time we want to until somewhere around the first of the year. In the same spot that he claimed the first time we put the tree up. The same spot he claims every year, as soon as we have the tree stand, trunk, tree skirt, and 2-3 branches in the bottom row put up.

He really is my Christmas Kitty.

Help!?!?! **updated at bottom**

I opened my mail today, and found a letter from the hospital group that my ob/gyn belongs to. Looks like my doc (I shall call her Dr B)... the one that found my endo and operated to remove it (and called me the day after surgery, from home, on her DAY OFF, to see how I was doing), the one who prescribed 3 rounds of clomid and then sent us off to the RE because she knew she couldn't do anymore for us and didn't want to hold us up, the one who welcomed me into her NEW practice after she left the old one and I hunted her down, the one that gave me a tentative almost diagnosis of PCOS and put me on Met to give it a try before having to go BACK to the RE... she's leaving her practice, again.

The hospital group included a phone number where Dr B can be reached after she leaves the practice. I did a little searching, and discovered she's going to another ob/gyn practice within the group, but further into the city. The letter also included a list of other docs within the group, and their bios, should her patients be interested in transferring. And the doc I found thru her "can be reached at" phone number... he's on that list.

BUT, I'm not sure I like the bio on him. What do you think?

"Dr C specializes in the treatment of women with pelvic pain and is highly experienced in advanced pelvic surgical procedures. He is certified in Addiction Medicine and is dedicated to providing pregnancy care for women who are chemically dependent."

To me, this sounds like the practice specializes in - for lack of desire to be politically correct - inner city crackheads that are pregnant with dependent babies. I really don't think that's the kind of practice I want to be a patient in.

So, now I think I need to go about finding a new doc. Here's where I need some help. I have a few options about where to look:

• Talk to my PCP (who is monitoring my thyroid) about a recommendation.
• Pick a random doc thru the insurance company's provider list.
• Call the RE (who I've not been to since Jan 06) and see about getting a recommendation from them.
• Go to my Mom's doc, whom she LOVES, but she's obviously at a different place in life, and therefore has different needs.

I'm really trying to look at this as a good thing. A chance to have a fresh set of eyes run a fresh panel of labs and get a fresh perspective, without having the expense (financial and emotional) of going back to the RE immediately. I would really like New Doc to be infertility aware, even if they aren't qualified to do a whole lot of treatment. Ideally, I'd LOVE to get an official diagnosis instead of the "well, you had an endo cyst 3 years ago, so you must have endo" and "even though you have no other symptoms, your FSH and LH levels are textbook PCOS, so we're going to treat you for that for a while" and "that excruciating pain you had last year that sent you to the ER in the middle of the night? even though we have no proof, and the labs from the ER don't tell me much of anything, we're going to assume it was a ruptured cyst". Is it too much to ask to have a Doc that is ready and able to tell me, definitively, what is wrong with me?

Sorry for that tangent...

So, I need help/advice/opinions. How do I go about finding "the perfect New Doc"? Insurance isn't a concern, as we're fortunate enough to have a plan that just about every doc in the area participates in. But I've never done this before. My PCP is in the practice that my parents went to. I found Dr B through a friend's recommendation. I was referred to the RE by Dr B.

Help, oh Wise and All-Knowing IF Blogosphere Goddesses & Gods. Please, oh Loyal Readers of Mine. HELP!?!?!

Update:

I've gotten a couple of referrals from friends (thanks to Mel & Kel). One for a local ob/gyn, and one for a new RE that I might also be able to use for basic gyn stuff. Thanks SO MUCH girls!

An internet snoop friend of mine found this article (thank you Kaci!) that gives the reasoning behind my doctor leaving. As much as I applaud their desire to focus on the plight of patients within the inner city of Detroit, I have no desire to share in that experience, so it's definitely time for me to move on.

I now have to get hold of a copy of our actual insurance policy, and read all the nitty-gritty on IF coverage. (I know last time everything short of procedures was covered, but that *may* have changed. I know there was a slight change in the policy at some point over the last few years, but I can't remember where that timing falls in relation to our last attempt at active treatments.)

And beyond that, I'm going to try to just enjoy the holidays, and really get working on finding the new doc after the first of the year. I know how hard it can be to get into an ob/gyn (especially if they're good), so I want to make sure I'm with someone that I'm comfortable with before my Metformin prescription runs out in mid April.

My updated request for help would be: How do you pick an ob/gyn? I'll research it on the SQ&SPJ all-inclusive list of helpful tidbits, and on other internet sources, but I'd love personal opinions/suggestions, too!

I am now completely addicted

to this game. I'm a sucker for online puzzle games anyway. But this one... THIS ONE is beginning to piss me off.

If you decide to give it a try, let me know what you think. And how far you got. Right now I'm on level 9, Time at 192, with 68 Deaths. IF I ever get to the end of the game, I'll update with final score info.

And yes, I am bored at work today.

Bloodwork results

My thyroid antibodies are *still* high. All other levels were normal. Apparently, my body is taking its sweet ass time killing my thyroid. It can continue to fuck things up at its own leisurely pace, and I *still* can't do anything about it.

Ugh.

Quiet Contentment

Things are going remarkably, pleasantly, and quietly well right now. The bills are paid, work is starting to pick up a bit (so I'm not bored to tears all day), I'm into a new cycle (which is a relief, knowing that the last one was useless), Grumpy and I are doing well, the Christmas spirit is seeping into me and I'm sucking it up with gusto, family and friends are all healthy.

I could get used to this. Granted, it makes for an incredibly boring blog post. But really, I could get used to this kind of quiet.

Here's to hoping it's not the proverbial "calm before the storm".

So, for lack of any specific grumbling I need to release... Any requests from my handful of readers? Anything you'd like me to write about? Questions to ask? (I do reserve the right not to answer them, hehehe.) Help me out here folks, I'm kind of at a loss.

On to Cycle 31

And I'm ok with that. Honestly, after so obviously NOT ovulating last cycle, I'm pretty happy to be putting it behind me. And the timing on this cycle is pretty nice. Christmas *should* be right in the middle of my 2ww. So, even tho I will (again) miss the opportunity for that Christmas morning announcement, at least I'll have one heck of a distraction for that 2ww.

I was able to get into a little bit of the Christmas spirit this weekend. Grumpy decided Saturday that the weather was as good as it was going to get, so he put up the outside decorations. Once he thawed out, he decided to bring the tree up from the basement. He even vacuumed & rearranged the living room furniture to make room for the tree! We put the tree up together, and put the lights on it, and did a few of the ornaments. I still have LOTS of ornaments to get on there, but at least we have a nice start on it.

And, we went on a Christmas movie marathon this weekend. We watched The Santa Clause, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, and Elf. Granted, most of them were on just as background noise while we were decorating, or cleaning, or whatever... but we still had them on, and I really think they helped us both get into the spirit!

I still have a few movies in reserve for my Christmas wrapping marathon. I'll pop in Grinch or Charlie Brown Christmas, spread out all of the gifts and wrapping supplies on the living room floor, and spend an evening wrapping everything... and chasing the dog out of my lap... and the cat away from the ribbon.

Oh, and I broke down and tuned into the "All Christmas All the Time" radio station this weekend, too. Not so much outside, but at least in my heart, It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...