Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Time in the Hole

I often refer to my dark times, those borderline depression times, as my time in the hole. When all I want to do is sleep or get drunk, and not see, hear, or speak to anyone. Last year I spent a LOT of time in the hole, and to be honest, I scared myself.

I developed what was, for me anyway, a pretty serious drinking problem. Something about going from a 2 beer drunk to being able to put away a 5th of whatever I chose over the course of 2 evenings... yeah, it was a little scary. I wasn't eating well, if at all. On the days I actually went to work (and believe me, there were a LOT of days that I didn't even bother with that), I would force myself to eat some lunch. But most of my nutritional intake was from the booze.

I managed to lose 30+ lbs in about 3 months. It is nice to be 30 lbs lighter, but I'd take back that weight if I could give back those 3 months. It was the most stressful, depressing, frightening, gut-wrenching time of my life.

For those of you that were around during that time, I have 2 things. First, my sincere apologies for any scares I gave you. And second, my complete gratitude for all of your support. I truly don't know that I'd have made it thru to the other side of that without the support of some amazing people.

I'm putting all of this out there because I feel myself falling back into the hole. Call it a "warning" to those of you out there that may be starting to get a little concerned about me. I WILL BE OK. I'm struggling right now, but this is NOT a repeat of last year. Sleep is very much my friend, but booze is NOT (nor do I have any real desire to make friends with it again). I know that I'm withdrawing, and I will probably continue to do so.

Alone time helps me to sort thru my thoughts and feelings, to find a place for the grief and the ache that I'm experiencing. I'm sorry if you're hurt by my distance, but it's what I need right now. Please understand, and please don't be hurt or upset by it. When I'm ready, I'll find you, and I'll reach out again.

Much love to you all.


Dreamer4agift said...

Just wanted to say that you're in my thoughts. I know what it's like to be in that hole...I was there for 2 yrs and somehow made it out. I've had times that I can feel myself falling, but I've never gotten back to that point. So, take time for you and do what you need to take care of yourself. Know that there are those of us who understand somewhat and we're here if you need us.


Becky said...

We love you Beth!!

nancy said...

Oh Beth, that just hurt my heart. I wish I lived by you and could spend some time ~with~ you, instead of just reading your words through your blog.

Hey! Guess what? I'm a great phone talker. Someone who can keep up a conversation with even a slug. Someone who doesn't NEED something to talk about. Someone who can keep a conversation normal when someone going through massive amounts of insanity just needs some normalcy too. So if you EVER need to just talk. About anything at all. You just give me a holler, okay? promise? okee dokey? Please? Just think about it? I'm here. Always.