Wednesday, August 22, 2007

DAMNIT

I couldn't stifle the bitch anymore... that damn temp drop yesterday, and reading the Met msg board @ www.soulcysters.net , and actually starting to feel well enough to not only step away from the bathroom, but to enjoy a long overdue evening of bedroom olympics (dogs, OFF THE BED, NOW!!!), and now that evil lil bitch has crept her ugly little self back into my psyche.

Hope

yep, that's the one. The one that I've done my best to gag, tie up, and keep locked in the closet for so long. the one that prevents me from buying OPKs (cuz what's the point, for someone that doesn't ovulate?), or from doing any kind of fluid release on anything that can be even remotely related to a "stick" (if I allowed myself to think about how much money I've wasted over the years on those damn sticks, I think I would become ill... truly, violently ill. in the projectile, Exorcist fashion).

see, I can hope for others... totally ok with that. I'm hoping that Nancy and Chicklet both have successful IUI cycles this time. I'm hoping that Serenity can find something that will give her some peace of mind, and that Squishy will stay where he belongs until April. I'm hoping & praying that Smarshy has a successful surgery tomorrow, and that his recovery is quick and overflowing with entertainment value (cuz I'm selfish that way, and love reading his stories). I'm hopeful that my Mom & my Grandma both continue their recoveries as well as they've been doing thus far.

look at all that hope, just abounding from me!!! I can hope! I can cheerlead! (ok, well maybe not publicly, but certainly in my head and in my heart, and that has to count for something, right?)

but damnit, I can't do it for me.... there's too much heartbreak in the let down. and let's face it, there WILL BE a let down. look at my track record. 3+ years at this, and nothing but let downs. Why would I be so silly as to even entertain the possibility that this cycle would be different? Cuz I'm a DUMBASS!!! I'm a glutton for punishment in the truest form! I totally set myself up for the fall

and fall I will, undoubtedly

2 Comments:

Chili said...

All of us have to succumb to hope once in a while, or there'd be nothing to keep us going!

I'm glad the Met is going easier on you - it can be a rough ride but I've found it so worth it (once I stopped feeling like puking all day, of course!).

nancy said...

First of all - thanks for the hope for my little cycle. That was nice to see :)

Secondly - hope is what keeps us doing this every month. If we didn't have ANY hope, we'd give up. Well, we'd give up after awhile. Maybe after the first year. But we'd give up without hope.

I wish I was someone who could just do all the things I need to do to ~try~ to conceive, and then just forget about it. I wish I had to look at a calendar to figure out what cd I was on. I wish I was able to "SET IT AND FORGET IT"!! (heh, what is that from? What Ronco cooking device infommercial?)

But NOOOO. I not only open the front door to see if Miss Hope is sitting on the curb - sitting exactly where I kicked her ass out just a few weeks ago. But I open the door, invite her in, make her a huge homemade dinner and then I even go as far as tucking her in safe and sound, every night.

Why can't I just call her up and just get a quick chat in? Just enough to let her know I still want to be friends, but not quite enough that I want to be the maid of honor at her wedding. WHY?

(ppsssssttt... I'm holding out hope for you!)