Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I think I am officially bitter...

ok, so any of you that have been following my situation for the past few months/years know that it hasn't been the easiest road. I absolutely won't for a moment claim to say that it has been the hardest. but really, I'm not all that "PC" of a person in real life, so I don't want to pretend to be here. just know that I recognize that things could be worse...

anyway, to summarize my "journey": I went off BCP in April of 04, thinking like most newly married couples, that we'd conceive within 6 months or so. yeah, apparently not. 6 months later I was recovering from surgery to have a pop-can sized endometriosis cyst removed. The good news is that the surgery went beautifully, and I still have all the parts I'm supposed to have. and as a bonus, I apparently either have incredible pain tolerance, or serious nerve damage, because the endo that caused the cyst was estimated to be at stage 3 or 4 (of 4), and the only reason I even knew there was a problem was that good ol' AF never showed. that's right folks, I had NO PAIN... weird, huh?

so, fast-forward to Sep 05. I'm a year post-surgery, and still no baby. Time to start the treatments. Gyno tries Clomid with no luck, so ships me off to the RE. All the basic testing shows that altho neither of us is "textbook perfect", we're both "fertile enough" that there isn't any reason we shouldn't be pregnant. Except, you know, that we're not.

So, more clomid and trigger shots and progesterone suppositories and HSGs and SAs and IUIs and 6 months go by, and still no pregnancy. But wait, what's this??? My MARRIAGE is falling apart, too. How fun for me!?!?!?!

Its now August 1, 2007. The marriage is back on track, and I am on day 2 of metformin, prescribed by the Gyno. I'm almost officially smoke-free (in an attempt to make myself as healthy a version of Me as possible for this TTC journey). And I'm excited. And scared. And nervous. And yes folks, bitter...

I met a wonderful group of women on a message board when I first started the journey (including some that I stalk here, thank you JSO!). Out of the 15-20 of us that got to be close, 3 of us don't have kids. And I took "inventory" the other day, and its official... I'm the infertile. The other 2 that remain childless are either unable or unwilling to actively TTC right now. So that leaves me, 3 and a half years later, still trying, and still unsuccessful.

This TTC/IF thing... it changes us. In ways that you don't really know, and in ways that we can't ever describe to people that haven't gone thru it. I have always LOVED kids, anytime I was in their presence, I had to interract with them. Holding, feeding, playing, reading... I was all about it. And now, I am having a hard time even acknowledging them. Can't do baby showers, am struggling with new baby visits, get angered by the site of pregnant women.

I know we've all said it, and we've all felt it, and its hard to admit it. But its not fucking fair. Not for 1 god-damned minute.

3 Comments:

SmarshyBoy said...

Hi Beth,

Welcome...I'm flattered to be on your blogroll.

And I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. There is nothing fair about it. Zilch. I find that writing does help me feel better about it sometimes, though. I hope it does the same for you.

I'll be back to read more...

Wen782 said...

From peeking in today, it would appear that I'm going to enjoy reading stuff by you that isn't just a quick little comment. Enjoy blogging and let loose, hunny! :o)

nancy said...

Hi darlin'! Welcome to the land of blogging. And it feels good, I hope you start to feel a little release to talk about your bitterness. I'm bitter too and I also acknowledge that I have no freaking ~right~ to be!

Anywho, glad to see you. You've got yourself a reader here!