The Happiness Challenge

Talk about timing!! Mel over at SQ&SPJ has started a Happiness Challenge within the Blogosphere. Details can be found here.

After my post yesterday, it seems almost poetic that I happened to find her post last night. I signed up to join the challenge, and I'm really going to do what I can to stick by it.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'm out of "The Hole".... yet. It does mean that as of right now, this morning, I'm taking the first steps to work my way out of it. I'm a firm believer that EVERYONE is entitled to feel whatever they feel, whenever they feel it. I'm also the Wallowing Queen, and well, I think I've wallowed for long enough. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and give something else a try.

So.... anyone else care to join in the Happiness???

(no, this newfound cheerleader attitude isn't me... its me really TRYING to get excited about this. give me a break, would ya? mwahahaha... I'm still the evil one you all know & love (?).)

Time in the Hole

I often refer to my dark times, those borderline depression times, as my time in the hole. When all I want to do is sleep or get drunk, and not see, hear, or speak to anyone. Last year I spent a LOT of time in the hole, and to be honest, I scared myself.

I developed what was, for me anyway, a pretty serious drinking problem. Something about going from a 2 beer drunk to being able to put away a 5th of whatever I chose over the course of 2 evenings... yeah, it was a little scary. I wasn't eating well, if at all. On the days I actually went to work (and believe me, there were a LOT of days that I didn't even bother with that), I would force myself to eat some lunch. But most of my nutritional intake was from the booze.

I managed to lose 30+ lbs in about 3 months. It is nice to be 30 lbs lighter, but I'd take back that weight if I could give back those 3 months. It was the most stressful, depressing, frightening, gut-wrenching time of my life.

For those of you that were around during that time, I have 2 things. First, my sincere apologies for any scares I gave you. And second, my complete gratitude for all of your support. I truly don't know that I'd have made it thru to the other side of that without the support of some amazing people.

I'm putting all of this out there because I feel myself falling back into the hole. Call it a "warning" to those of you out there that may be starting to get a little concerned about me. I WILL BE OK. I'm struggling right now, but this is NOT a repeat of last year. Sleep is very much my friend, but booze is NOT (nor do I have any real desire to make friends with it again). I know that I'm withdrawing, and I will probably continue to do so.

Alone time helps me to sort thru my thoughts and feelings, to find a place for the grief and the ache that I'm experiencing. I'm sorry if you're hurt by my distance, but it's what I need right now. Please understand, and please don't be hurt or upset by it. When I'm ready, I'll find you, and I'll reach out again.

Much love to you all.

Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong Weekend

It's been a long time since I've actually felt this way, but BOY am I glad to be back to work!

This weekend Grumpy and I worked a festival that our charity group puts on every year. It is always an exhausting weekend for us both, but I think this year took the cake. He got stuck on midnight security for the WHOLE festival (Wed night - Sun night), and I got stuck there with him for Fri - Sun. I have a whole new respect for folks that work midnights. Granted, I love me a good afternoon nap, but my body likes to sleep at NIGHT, not be awake at those wee hours! Hell, I'm a firm believer that certain times of day shouldn't even exist on a clock, and I got to be awake for ALL of those times this weekend!

A little about this charity group....

Grumpy has been a member for almost 16 years now, and grew up with the group (his Dad is a long time member). I've been involved for the 10+ years that he & I have been together, and have been a member for 7 years. When I first joined, I went super-duper, jump with both feet, full steam ahead into my commitment. And well, I burned out. So now I've taken a GIANT step back, and am still contributing, but now from the outer fringes instead of always being in the thick of things.

This group of ours is an interesting little case study on society for me. I've truly learned that the same 20% of the people will do 80% of the work, and a different 20% of the people will do 80% of the bitching! Who knew grown adults (mostly men) could be so catty, so power hungry, or so back-biting?

I joined the group because I believed in the work they were doing, and the greater goal they were working towards. I've backed away because of the insane amount of politics, power-struggles, and the "hey, look at me" that most members seem to want to scream from the rooftops. Instead of a successful project being about the money raised for a cause, or the teamwork it instilled in our little family, it is about who did the most work, and who it couldn't have been done without. When things don't go the way we hope for, its all about the finger pointing and mud-slinging.

Am I being naive to really believe that adults aren't supposed to behave this way? I don't mean to sound all Rodney King-esque, but, Can't we all just get along???

DAMNIT

I couldn't stifle the bitch anymore... that damn temp drop yesterday, and reading the Met msg board @ www.soulcysters.net , and actually starting to feel well enough to not only step away from the bathroom, but to enjoy a long overdue evening of bedroom olympics (dogs, OFF THE BED, NOW!!!), and now that evil lil bitch has crept her ugly little self back into my psyche.

Hope

yep, that's the one. The one that I've done my best to gag, tie up, and keep locked in the closet for so long. the one that prevents me from buying OPKs (cuz what's the point, for someone that doesn't ovulate?), or from doing any kind of fluid release on anything that can be even remotely related to a "stick" (if I allowed myself to think about how much money I've wasted over the years on those damn sticks, I think I would become ill... truly, violently ill. in the projectile, Exorcist fashion).

see, I can hope for others... totally ok with that. I'm hoping that Nancy and Chicklet both have successful IUI cycles this time. I'm hoping that Serenity can find something that will give her some peace of mind, and that Squishy will stay where he belongs until April. I'm hoping & praying that Smarshy has a successful surgery tomorrow, and that his recovery is quick and overflowing with entertainment value (cuz I'm selfish that way, and love reading his stories). I'm hopeful that my Mom & my Grandma both continue their recoveries as well as they've been doing thus far.

look at all that hope, just abounding from me!!! I can hope! I can cheerlead! (ok, well maybe not publicly, but certainly in my head and in my heart, and that has to count for something, right?)

but damnit, I can't do it for me.... there's too much heartbreak in the let down. and let's face it, there WILL BE a let down. look at my track record. 3+ years at this, and nothing but let downs. Why would I be so silly as to even entertain the possibility that this cycle would be different? Cuz I'm a DUMBASS!!! I'm a glutton for punishment in the truest form! I totally set myself up for the fall

and fall I will, undoubtedly

This pretty well sums it up...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ


I know this is floating around on a lot of the IF blogs, but I don't want to run the risk of losing the link.

The name of the song is "I Would Die For That"

I officially HATE metformin

so far I've been able to remain pretty optimistic about the things we've tried in our IF journey. Altho the idea of surgery scared the bejeezus out of me, I figured it would take care of our problem & all would be well. Then the HSG would clear out the problem that I must obviously have in my tubes (since the cyst removal didn't get me pregnant). Then Clomid was my new best friend.... until it didn't work.

Then it would be THE RE. And I mean that, truly, in all caps. Because as you all know, anytime you go from trying to figure this out on your own or just with your gyno, taking the first step to THE RE has to mean that you'll be pregnant immediately... like, when you walk in for your intake appointment. Something in the air makes you pregnant... seriously, go home and test!

Of course, the intake appointment didn't make me pregnant, so the RE's clomid would do the trick (it must be a more advanced formulation than the stuff "they" let the gynos dish out, right?). Nope, instead it made my progesterone levels fall to inhuman counts (really, 0.2 on a 7dpo prog test???). So then it was the clomid + the trigger shot + the IUI + the progesterone suppositories, and that would HAVE to work.... until it didn't.

So, the Metformin is the latest step in the "let's see if THIS works" method of IF treatment (since of course nobody can tell us WHY we can't seem to conceive). And it's definitely different this time around, or I'm different, or a combination of the 2. I just can't seem to think that THIS will be the THE THING that works.

That "yeah, sure, we'll give this bullshit a try" attitude of mine, coupled with the less than desirable side-effects that I've had (spending your days wanting to do nothing but sleep, and being able to do nothing outside of the confines of the bathroom isn't much fun, especially when it lasts for 2.5 weeks.... and counting), have made me really Really REALLY start to hate this little white pill that I have to take 3 times a day.

But, as much as I can't get all cheery and feel that THIS will be the solution we've been looking for for the last 3 years, 4 months, and 19 days (I took my last BCP on April 1, 2004), I do really feel that it gets us a step closer. If it works, then I will sing the praises of Metformin from this day forward, as long as we both shall live. If it doesn't, than its something that we WON'T need to try when/if we go back to the RE. And as long as I can hold onto that thought while I'm reading another John Grisham novel in my bathroom, then I might be able to maintain some respectable level of sanity.....





..... maybe

blogrolls

well, its official, I'm on the blogroll: http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/

I noticed yesterday or the day before that my silly little link was up there, in that list, with all those creative & gifted writers. I still don't think I "fit" as far as the talent goes. But, I'm learning that talent isn't really the purpose of the blogroll. It's about community, and I think I've found myself a new home.

So, as I was admiring my little bitty spot in this new community, I started to check out some of my new neighbors. I see that there has been an INSANE rush of BFPs recently, and somehow that renews my hope & faith in this process. People are still winning this race, and I think that's awesome!

I've also seen that there is an entire sub-community of IF-ers that have changed gears to the adoption journey. I think that's amazing. I read on a blog, or article, or something, that the choice to adopt was simple... the woman writing wanted to be a Mom more than she wanted to give birth. If you break it down to that very simple choice, I'd agree. And altho I'm not yet ready to go outside the realm of our own biological children, the thought of adoption has always tugged at my heart strings. I do think we will go down that path eventually (be it for #1, or for more kiddos beyond that), so its pretty cool to see that my new lil neighborhood can offer me some insight into that journey as well!

I have to admit tho, I was a little disappointed in some of my blog lurking. As I was reading, I'd check out other bloggers blogrolls, and continue thru link after link that way. I know that I'm knew to this community, but can I ask a favor, or make a motion, or suggest a neighborhood ordinance (whatever the proper procedure may be)? As IF bloggers out there that maintain blogrolls, can we try to keep separated the "still trying" group and the "victory is ours" group? I was looking to wallow a bit yesterday (and I KNOW that we've all been there), and link after link (within the IF community), kept leading me to those that have been recently victorious, and even some that weren't so recent.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear success stories, but a girl's got to be prepared for such things!

Please folks, I don't mean to be that pain in the ass neighbor that everyone hates the day after they move in (I've had those neighbors, so I know what a pain in the ass they can be), but can we have a little appropriate segregation here?

Please say a prayer...

for my very good friend in FL. Her hubby is having surgery as I type.

Thanks all, I'll let you know how it goes!


_____________________________________________________


UPDATE:

Thanks for the prayers. The surgery went well, and he *should* be on his way home tomorrow!

just a general update, and some ramblings from my idle mind

well, the Metformin has been MUCH more gentle to me today. 2 doses in me, and so far no side effects. Knocking on wood that it stays this way! Oh hell, let me go out and get Grumpy's (that's how I'll be referring to the hubby from now on) BFH (Big Fuc.king Hammer), and I'll REALLY knock on some wood! I think that is all there is to report on the TTC front right now... waiting for good ol' AF to leave, and then I'll be waiting and hoping to o, and then I'll be in the 2ww....

Have I mentioned that I'm not really a patient person by nature? Yeah, the waiting that goes along with TTC could truly be enough to drive a person nuts. Me? Well, it could drive ME to take my sarcastic attitude out on some poor idiot that picks the wrong time to cross my path, which has the potential to turn really ugly for all involved, as well as any unfortunate bystanders. Yet another reason for the blog!



OH, the business! Just dawned on me that I mentioned the business in my intro, and I've not really mentioned it in the blog, so, in summary: Grumpy's Garage (hubby is Grumpy) is a repair "facility" (ie my driveway and garage) that does all kinds of automotive, motorcycle, and small engine repairs. I bring it up now because he happens to have a NEW (YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!) FULL PRICE (WOOFUCKINGHOO!!!!) customer outside right now. He's doing some work on a Honda V4 (motorcycle, like ours, so he knows them really well), with the owner here, which he ABSOLUTELY HATES to do. I'm generally not allowed to peak over his shoulder while he works, so the idea of working in front of a guy he's just met, while chatting with him, and "teaching" him to do what he's doing... yeah, he's not real thrilled about that. Oh well tho, because, did I mention, he's a FULL PRICE customer!?!?! (We give a discount to family & close friends.) WOOFUCKINGHOO!!!!



So, I got a really really cool comment earlier today. MsJen suggested I check out http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ and see about getting added to their blog roll. I'm flattered that Jen thinks that I should be there, I really REALLY am. I've stalked SQ in the past, poured over their Creme de la Creme 06, and have even become a religious stalker of some of the bloggers I've discovered there... but, I don't belong there! There are some amazingly talented writers on that roll! I'm just some chickie that needs a place to vent the bullshit that goes on in my brain.

I figure that if I happen to turn out some ramblings that I am really really REALLY proud of, that you few poor souls that DO read me respond well to, then maybe I'll get brave enough to ask about the blog roll. Until then, I think I'm more content here in my lil bitty box...

I just could resist this one... LOL

Thanks to Serenity for this little distraction!

You are White Chocolate

You are White Chocolate You are sweet, caring, and truly very innocent. Whether your naive ways are a bit of act or not, people like to take care of you. You are a quiet flirt, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

a little venting must be had

So, in speaking with my father-in-law this morning (who, by the way, I happen to work for... yeah, there will DEFINITELY be some blogs in the future relating to that working/family relationship), I learn that Grumpy's sister was in need of a new computer. I say "was" because, just like at least 4 times in the recent past, Dad went out & bought her one. (insert eye roll here)

I recognize that its not really any of my business, but why does a 33 year old married woman need Daddy to buy her ANOTHER computer? she's putting herself thru college, she's married with a child, she & her husband both work, they both drive newer vehicles, they own a house & some property, they bought themselves a GIANT screen tv, they just got back from their annual vacation, they both smoke, he drinks a 6 pack or more every night.... seems to me some simple lifestyle changes would certainly allow her the cash for a refurbished laptop (which is what she got).

Now, I also recognize that parents have the right to do for their children in any way they see fit. Gift giving, bail money, college funds... however they choose to spend their cashola is their business. But I swear, the sister-in-law has her "Daddy" wrapped around her little finger. And yes, she calls him "Daddy", but only when she needs/wants something from him...

And I think the worst part of it (from my completely unentitled opinion, lol), is that he can't say "No" to her. He's managed to spend himself & mother-in-law completely into the poor house... he's borrowing from Peter to pay Paul on a monthly basis, has NO retirement, and has some giant freaking debt to be dealt with. And yet, the helpless little daughter comes whining to Daddy, and he opens his wallet, and out come the credit cards...

Maybe I'm just reflecting my husband's jealousy over the whole situation. He takes great pride in the fact that he didn't ask his parents to put him thru college (his older sis got a 4 year degree on their dime, and the needy sis went to college for 5 years and didn't even have enough credits to manage an associates degree out of it). He does feel (and is sometimes treated) like the misfit within the family. His older sister is the "perfect" one (OMG, def stories to come about that), and his twin sister is the "needy" one. Growing up, he was the "problem child", but he's outgrown that (as most boys do), and now he's the one that takes care of his parents, and yet he's last on their priority list.

Bottom line, even though I completely recognize that this is absolutely none of my business, it still pisses me off! And if I can't vent about it here, I can't vent about it anywhere...



Oh, on a mostly unrelated note, I'm on day 9 of the Metformin, and its KICKING MY TOOSH! The first 6 days were ok, but Monday was bad bad BAD (perhaps cuz AF also arrived late on Sun?), and I stayed home from work. I doubled the Met dosage on Tue to 1,000mg, and have to go up 1 more time next week to 1,500mg. Let's just say I'm a bit nervous to add that extra 500mg...

MsWendy, hope the vacation is going well, and that Scott's back is handling the drive ok.

MsNancy, good luck with your approaching cycle 11. I feel your pain on wanting a plan, and completely understand how frustrating the "wait & see" approach can be. We'll get there darlin!

Smarshy, the Buggins is so damn cute I don't even know what to do with myself! I'm glad that she got over the initial shock, and enjoyed her very first concert! I haven't had the surgery you're having, nor do I know anyone that has, but I'll say a prayer that all goes well for you.

And finally, MsDea, welcome to the blogging community darlin! I promised I wouldn't hug you, so I'll continue to fight the urge. I hope this outlet helps you as much as it's helped me!

The Bike & The Bridge

This is a pic of Mike's bike, with the Mackinaw Bridge in the background. He made his first ride over the Big Mac this weekend, and sent me this pic as soon as he finished. So freaking cool!!!

(I know, this is totally OT from the intended purpose of this blog, but I needed an online spot to drop the pic, and blogger makes that sooooooo easy to do from a cell. So, sorry readers for the distraction, but thanks blogger for making it so easy to get on the web!)

And this is Paisano

Also known as the Shitty Kitty, or the Psycho Kitty. Can't you just see the attitude radiating off of him? Its ok tho, cuz we love him to pieces!

This is my Kaylah Girl

Isn't she the cutest lil thing?

is it nap time yet?

I am almost done with a very VERY busy 3 months... there have been 2 trips out of town, 2 surgeries in my immediate world (2 more coming in the next 2 weeks), dog-sitting, out-of-town visitors causing my own house to feel more like a hotel than my home, friends moving, another friend in incredible financial distress, my garage/driveway has been a rotating inventory of cars, trucks, motorcycles, and lawn equipment in various states of repair (that would be courtesy of the business we're starting)... I'm exhausted!

Fortunately, the 2 trips out of town have been fun stuff. Hubby & I went here for our anniversary, and it was a VERY nice get-away! I'd recommend it to any couples out there needing a romantic weekend away! And we did our June NASCAR camping trip with friends. Due to finances and crazy schedules, we've had to cancel our other 2 trips that we had planned for this year (more NASCAR stuff).

The surgeries...
The first was one of my best friends facing her second breast cancer scare in a year. This time around tho, it wasn't cancer, Thank God! She's sore, but otherwise recovering well.

The second is my Mom, who just last week had major surgery. Let me tell you, growing up an only child wasn't bad, but being solely responsible for everything that she needs during her SIX WEEKS of recovery... yeah, that's not going to work so well. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom. But there are a whole lot of reasons that I moved out of her house when I was 18, and spending the last week with her has just reinforced all of them for me.

The coming surgeries are Grandma's knee replacement, and a friend having some pretty major back surgery. I won't be involved in any of the care, recovery, or decision making for either of them. But I am still concerned, and my prayers will overflow with good thoughts & wishes for quick & healthy recoveries.

The dog-sitting is something that we actually normally enjoy. It's just been "one more thing" in this already over-flowing summer that we're having. The same goes for the out-of-town visitor. He's a great friend, and he's going thru a tough time right now. If we can provide a little break for him (as well as some work, as its turned out, lol), I'm all for it. It's just one. more. thing.

Tonight I have a going away party for a very very good friend of mine. Tomorrow she leaves to start her new life. New man, new job, new house, new state... All very very exciting for her, but I will miss my friend very much. I have a feeling that there will soon be an entire blog entry (or more) devoted to this situation. I just don't have it in me to get into all of that right now. All in due time, I suppose.

And as far as the friend in terrible financial distress, well, I pray daily for her, and if I won the lottery I'd help her out of the situation that she's in. I will be a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to listen, but I can't do anything to "fix it" for her. Which is hard for me, as I'm a "fix it" kinda girl. Show me a problem, I'll find you a possible solution (or 12). But for this one, I got nothing.

Like I said, I'm exhausted. Hubby is gone this weekend for a boys trip. As much as I will miss him, I am REALLY looking forward to the quiet alone time I'll get. It will be very nice to be all alone in my house for a couple of days. I shouldn't have to see anyone, or talk to anyone, unless I choose to. And altho the house is an absolute disaster, I don't intend to do 1 minute of cleaning (other than laundry), and I'm not going to feel one lil moment of guilt about it. This is MY weekend to get some serious R&R in, and next week starts the return to the "daily grind". The goal for next week is to work towards a more organized daily grind. But, I'll worry about that next week.

This weekend, its all about ME, and I can't freaking wait!!!

changing yourself

in recent months I've noticed (and had it brought to my attention), that I'm, well, a bitch. and not in the "good" self-confident, empowered way. more in the judgmental, opinionated "bad" way. I gotta tell you, this isn't something that I'm proud of.

I had always thought of myself as a pretty open minded, accepting chick. there were certain things that I didn't understand, or wouldn't choose for my own life. but I always figured that what people chose was their own damn business, and as long as they weren't having a negative impact on society or children, it wasn't anybody else's business.

apparently, that's not the case anymore. I've been told (by people that matter to me), and I've noticed myself, that I've become quite opinionated, judgmental, and even intolerant. and to be honest, I don't like that

now, I could point to all KINDS of reasons for the change in my demeanor... IF, the marriage problems, some really heinous things being said & done by former friends, family problems, stress, blah blah blah. the point is, I don't want to make excuses. I want to change it.

so, I think the blog will help that. it'll give me a place to vent those toxic thoughts without putting them out there in my day to day life. I figure if I can at least cut back on the number of times I open my mouth and nasty shit falls out, that HAS to be a good start towards stopping the nasty shit from entering my brain in the first place, right?

good in theory at least... only time will tell ikf it works in practice

WTF is WRONG with fertilityfriend.com???

ok, I know some of you use it now, or have used it in the past. I've been using it off & on for.... well... for longer than I want to think about. let's just say, long enough to know what I'm doing.

so, I log in this morning and plop in my lovely little 97.27 temp, along with my dose of metformin, and the stupid software gives me freaking coverlines. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/BethH6703 Now, if you're a chart guru, you can tell that those CLs are absolute CRAP!!!

fortunately for me, I know enough about what I'm doing to know that they're crap. but what about those newbies out there that trust this website with all of their ttc hopes & dreams? thats it, I blame FF for my obsessing! ITS ALL THEIR FAULT!!!!

btw, I'm normally pretty willing to take responsibility for my own attitudes, actions, moods, etc. however, right now I'm feeling a little like passing the buck, so.... bombs away FF, this buck stops with you!

damnit, I'm one of those "idiots"...

... that my heading refers to

I've been playing around on this Blogger thing all day (yep, really bored @ work). In re-reading my header post, I noticed that I typo-ed together to be "togehter". Altho one of my proudest (most proud?) accomplishments is my fluency in typonese, and typos in things like IMs are completely acceptable, they are still one of my all time biggest pet-peeves.

In honor of the newly-released Simpsons movie (which surprisingly, I want to see)... "D'OH!"

I think I am officially bitter...

ok, so any of you that have been following my situation for the past few months/years know that it hasn't been the easiest road. I absolutely won't for a moment claim to say that it has been the hardest. but really, I'm not all that "PC" of a person in real life, so I don't want to pretend to be here. just know that I recognize that things could be worse...

anyway, to summarize my "journey": I went off BCP in April of 04, thinking like most newly married couples, that we'd conceive within 6 months or so. yeah, apparently not. 6 months later I was recovering from surgery to have a pop-can sized endometriosis cyst removed. The good news is that the surgery went beautifully, and I still have all the parts I'm supposed to have. and as a bonus, I apparently either have incredible pain tolerance, or serious nerve damage, because the endo that caused the cyst was estimated to be at stage 3 or 4 (of 4), and the only reason I even knew there was a problem was that good ol' AF never showed. that's right folks, I had NO PAIN... weird, huh?

so, fast-forward to Sep 05. I'm a year post-surgery, and still no baby. Time to start the treatments. Gyno tries Clomid with no luck, so ships me off to the RE. All the basic testing shows that altho neither of us is "textbook perfect", we're both "fertile enough" that there isn't any reason we shouldn't be pregnant. Except, you know, that we're not.

So, more clomid and trigger shots and progesterone suppositories and HSGs and SAs and IUIs and 6 months go by, and still no pregnancy. But wait, what's this??? My MARRIAGE is falling apart, too. How fun for me!?!?!?!

Its now August 1, 2007. The marriage is back on track, and I am on day 2 of metformin, prescribed by the Gyno. I'm almost officially smoke-free (in an attempt to make myself as healthy a version of Me as possible for this TTC journey). And I'm excited. And scared. And nervous. And yes folks, bitter...

I met a wonderful group of women on a message board when I first started the journey (including some that I stalk here, thank you JSO!). Out of the 15-20 of us that got to be close, 3 of us don't have kids. And I took "inventory" the other day, and its official... I'm the infertile. The other 2 that remain childless are either unable or unwilling to actively TTC right now. So that leaves me, 3 and a half years later, still trying, and still unsuccessful.

This TTC/IF thing... it changes us. In ways that you don't really know, and in ways that we can't ever describe to people that haven't gone thru it. I have always LOVED kids, anytime I was in their presence, I had to interract with them. Holding, feeding, playing, reading... I was all about it. And now, I am having a hard time even acknowledging them. Can't do baby showers, am struggling with new baby visits, get angered by the site of pregnant women.

I know we've all said it, and we've all felt it, and its hard to admit it. But its not fucking fair. Not for 1 god-damned minute.

Howdy

So, I guess this is just my introduction post.

It's strange... I'm an avid blog stalker, and I've just felt a tug to start one of my own. Hopefully it can be a place to set free some of the crazy ramblings that run thru my over-active imagination. The strange part is that now that I'm here, I don't really know what to say... . Hopefully you'll all bear with me while I get the hang of it.