Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Is it possible?

Could I actually be working my way to being comfortable - gasp - in my own skin?!?!

I've spent a LOT of years putting on a show, for family, for friends, for co-workers, and for strangers. The Grumps knows ME, as do a handful of really trusted friends. But all too often, I find myself trying to be the version of me that _____ would want me to be.

Worse... when I haven't had it in me to be that version, I've just completely disengaged.

I've certainly made some mistakes over the years, and I KNOW that I've made choices that my family didn't approve of. And for a long time, that really bothered me, and I felt the need to make up for it, to earn their approval.

***Let me pause here, and say that all of that disapproval was ALL ME... my family, even when they don't agree with the things I do, are always (or at least most of them) supportive of me.***

But somehow, over the last few weeks/months, I've noticed a change. When before, I was absolutely terrified to have people over (my house is too small, not clean enough, the furniture is old, the carpet is stained, blah blah blah), recently I've welcomed unexpected visitors with open arms, and without panic.

I'm PLANNING ways to have friends and family come visit at MY house... dinner parties, out of town house guests, girls sleep-over with some of my younger cousins... and I'm EXCITED, about people BEING IN MY HOUSE.

If I stop to think too much about it, I get a little panicky. But, if I can stay focused on going with the flow, the flow seems a whole lot less terrifying than it used to.

Very strange indeed, this maturity thing. Perhaps I'm getting used to it?


luna said...

infertility and loss has taught me nothing if not to let go of things that don't really matter. losing a loved one, losing control, everything has shown me what is important in life and what can be left alone.

nancy said...

That's awesome. It's one trait that I love within myself, what you see if what you get and what's really underneath.

This sounds really good for you. yay!

Lori said...

Your 30s will do that to ya.

Cassandra said...

Good for you! The Me that others want me to be, the Me that I want me to be, and the real Me are different far too much of the time for most of us. Here's to dumping the first and integrating the second and third.

Kristin said...

How wonderful that you are becoming so comfortable with yourself. That is really fabulous.

BTW, thanks so much for the comment on my blog.


CappyPrincess said...

Funny how life changes us from time to time, isn't it?

I hope you enjoy your holiday and family!