Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wits End

I have about seventy bajillion things on my to-do list right now. Some are incredibly time-sensitive (pack office before Friday's move), some are big picture important with slightly more flexible deadlines (decide if Dad moving in is an option that Grumps and I are willing to offer up) and some really don't even belong on the list right now (clean out closets {yeah, 'cause THAT is high on the priority list}).

I'm tired of whining about the way my world is right now. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything to change it... at least not in any significant way. I'm tired of losing relationships - and letting go of others - because I just don't have the energy. I'm tired of kraptastic and unnecessary drama, and have zero tolerance for those people that I feel create it for themselves (yes, I realize how scathingly judgmental that makes me). I'm tired of the guilt I feel about not making more time for Dad, or that I'm making the wrong decisions on his behalf.

I miss my quiet world, my quiet head. I miss lazy Saturdays spent in bed with Grumps, the furkids on the floor next to us, doing nothing but watching a movie and harassing each other. I miss spontaneous dinners out, because I didn't feel like cooking and we had the disposable income that allowed me to not feel too guilty about spending a little money. I miss the excitement of a new netflix movie, or the relaxation of a quiet camping weekend.

I'm afraid that Dad is making the wrong decisions for himself, and that he won't let his 3 daughters make the decisions we all agree are the right ones. I'm afraid that as the Lupron makes it's way out of my system, all it will leave behind is the same old infertile me. I'm afraid that the damage that's been done to some of my relationships over the last 3 months will prove to be irreparable. I'm afraid that I've fallen so far into this place - this hurt, scared, little girl hiding in the corner version of myself - that I may never find my way back.


Lori said...

When I get to this place, this overwhelmed place, the best thing to do is breathe.

Breathing healing, restoring thoughts your way, Beth.

luna said...

I'm with lori.
don't forget to b r e a t h e.

it all does suck, this craptastic life we've got.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with your father too, on top of everything else at home.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I agree, you need to breathe and walk away from things for 5 minutes. When I get overwhelmed I try to just close my eyes for 5 minutes and get away in my mind. Sounds silly, but sometimes its the only thing that helps me get through a day. ((HUGS))

Wordgirl said...

For me, besides breathing, I found that Pema Chodron's book -- "The Places that Scare you" -- and Marianne Williamson too -- I need to read soothing things -- if only for a bit before bed -- reclaiming that quiet time for your head.

I'll be thinking of you tonight Beth - I'm glad I clicked on the twitter url...



nancy said...

First of all - get those closets cleaned out NOW. Sheesh.


I'm sorry you just have so many things to do. And to worry about. I wish I had some freaking fantastic advice to give you. But I understand how hard this all is and how there is no easy answers for any of it. You have the right to be worried.

Just try to remember ~you~ through all of this, okay?

Kaci said...

I hate to even say let's get together, but it might do us some good. We'll chat. I wish I had words of wisdom for how to improve things. It will get better. You will find your way back. (((hugs)))