Monday, October 15, 2007

the smoking non-smoker

I admit it, I smoke. I HATE that I do, and I really want to quit. I tried the new miracle drug and it actually worked pretty well. Except for the side effects.... there was the constant nausea, and the dreams?!?!? OMG the psychotic, bad drug trip kind of dreams that I was having! And then I started the Met, and decided that I couldn't handle 2 meds f'ing with my stomach, and well.... I decided the Met was more important.

Excuses? Probably. Us smokers are full of 'em.

But the truth is that I really wish I didn't smoke. I wish I had never picked up that horrid little cancer stick back in 7th grade. I wish I had the willpower to quit now, because I know that I need to. I'm embarrassed of it. So embarrassed that I don't smoke around the majority of my family, and I try to limit myself around my non-smoking friends.

The rest of the truth? Feeling all of that hasn't made it any easier to quit. In fact, the thought of NOT smoking sends me into a state of near panic-attack that can only be calmed by..... you guessed it... a smoke.

So, I will continue to smoke for now. I've always promised myself, and God, and anyone and everyone that will listen, that the moment I find out I'm pregnant, I am DONE. Until then (at least for now), its smoke 'em if ya got 'em.... and I got 'em.

1 Comment:

nancy said...

Sucks. I smoked as a "cool" teenager, but not since. And I'm sure it's scary for you. 1) you want to be a good ttcer and quit, but you got so much on your plate. 2) you don't want to wait until you are pregnant, because quitting smoking is such a HARSH thing on your system while pregnant. Babies don't like being stressed.

I wish I could give you some advice, but all I can do is say good luck!