Monday, October 29, 2007

exposed

do you ever feel like you've exposed too much of yourself, of your personal struggle, to some people? and maybe not enough to other people? if so, how do you reconcile the situation?

sometimes I feel like this blog, and some of the more open conversations I have with people IRL, reveal a little too much. unfortunately, I don't have this realization until after the fact. instead of being able to ask myself "do I want to share this?", I find my self asking "why did I just say that?".

I have a friend that I absolutely adore. she's a bit older (old enough to be my mother, in fact), and thus comes from a generation that was even more tight-lipped about fertility (or lack thereof). she had "difficulty" conceiving, and it took her and her husband "awhile" before they got pregnant with her 1st. And that's all she's been comfortable telling me.

unfortunately, it seems the more I let her in on our progress, the more she wants to know. and sadly, she just doesn't "get it". in her eyes, anything beyond "good ol' fashion sex" translates to ivf (and I don't even want to think about the kind of opinions her old school old religion mind has about that!). she's openly supportive, but I often find myself wishing I had just told her we'd have kids "someday".

on the flip side of that, I've kept our journey pretty private from my family. they know that we're trying, that we want kids badly, and that we're "having some difficulty". they also know, to varying degrees, about my surgery. (my uncles know that I had surgery, my aunts know that I had a cyst removed, some of them know it was related to endo... all depends on how interested they seemed in the details).

I've kept it from family as we've always been pretty quiet about health related stuff (barring things like cancer, heart disease... the "big stuff"), and I come from a household where privacy is valued above almost all else, including the unconditional support of a loving and caring family.

but I've been letting family in, in bits & pieces. they were aware of the problems that Grumpy & I had last year (I stayed with an aunt for the few weeks that he & I separated), and were AMAZING. Since we've been back together, not one of them has treated Grumpy any differently than they did before we had our "bump in the road". each time I open the door a little bit, I'm more & more impressed by the strength of the love within this extended family of mine. it makes me want to throw the emotional door wide open, and let them ALL in, yet I know I won't do that. eventually, maybe it'll all be out there. but to do it all in one shot, that's still too much for me.

on a related note, I'm ashamed to say that I've been unable to wear my pomegranate bracelet. It sits at home on my dresser, and I stare at it every day, thinking that it just might be the day that I feel strong enough to put myself out there, to be recognized. And yet, there it sits. I fully believe in the intended purpose of the bracelet... the sense of community, the opening of a true dialogue... and yet I still can't open my heart to the exposure of being "outed". Still a little too painful to admit that I'm here, I suppose.

3 Comments:

Chili said...

It's such a tough balance - maintaining your privacy and avoiding the assvice vs. needing the support and wanting to spread the word.

R has always been more open about it than me - I tend to keep to myself a lot, and post on my blog - and he was the one that opened up to our families first.

The bracelet - sometimes I just say 'a good friend gave it to me' if I'm not up for a conversation when someone asks me about it. Other times, I let it all out. I play with it a lot when I'm nervous, because I find thinking about its meaning very calming.

nancy said...

There are definitely some people in my life I wish I was able to take back the information they know about me. I end up just slowly telling these people less and less, until they stop asking.

I'm glad you are able to let your family in on it when you can and what you want to tell. It's hard keeping something so important from the people who mean the most.

I lost my bracelet. During my time of wearing it, only a few people asked about it though and I'm with Chili - when I didn't feel up to it, I didn't divuldge. No one ever pressured me for more info. I don't think they'd even think for a moment how much it really meant.

Dreamer4agift said...

I've def felt I've exposed myself too much and realized it too late. But what can you do?

As far as the bracelet is concerned, you'll get there. It's getting cold outside, so maybe when you start wearing a lot of sweaters and long sleeves that'll be just the moment to work your way to putting it on.