appointment update and a blurp

well, I DID ovulate last cycle. Doc said "definitely between cd20 & 23", which is what we all thought anyway. I feel soooooooooooooooooooo much better, not only because I o'ed, but because it's comfirmation that I'm not crazy, and haven't taken you all with me down that road to crazy town!

did some bloodwork, and barring anything out of whack with the results, I go back in 4-6 months for another draw. beyond that, keep charting, and GET BUSY! lol

the other thing she told me was that I need to be on prenatal vitamins instead of just a women's one a day. so, on my way home, I stopped off at Walgreen's to buy a bottle. Minding my own business, walk to the cashier, who proceeds to announce a big, hearty, "Congratulations!!!"

"Umm, no congratulations needed, but thanks"

.... look of confusion & despair on poor cashier lady's face.... "but why the vitamins?"

and folks, I was SO proud of myself! instead of screaming at her that it was ABSOLUTELY NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS, I politely said "we're trying, and these are doctor's orders"

she then of course had to tell me about her daughter in law, who, as soon as she married the cashier women's son, told him that "1 year after we get married, I want to own our own home, and be pregnant". 22 months, almost to the day, after they got married, their first child was born.....

the fertile little bitch

change in attitude - change in blog

just felt the need to change up the colors a little bit. I tend to do that, as I get bored pretty easily. And, since I bought furniture that's WAY TOO BIG, or a house that's WAY TOO SMALL, I am completely prevented from rearranging my house (which I love love LOVE to do). so, I'll take out that restlessness here!

btw, I have my 60 days on Met follow up appointment today. Not expecting anything much to come of it, other than bloodwork, and "let's see where we are in another 60 days". BUT, should there be anything worth sharing here, I'll share it as soon as I know it.

time for a change?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and a lot of blog surfing, and I think I'm at a similar emotional place to a lot of my fellow bloggers out there.

It's really hit home lately that I'm WAY too focused on the "have nots" of my life, rather than the "haves". The obvious example being the kids we want desperately, and don't yet have. But sadly, my focus doesn't stop there.

I'm constantly wrapped up in my own little world of negative thoughts. Thinking about the debt we are going to have a hell of a time getting out of, or the house that I don't really want to be in anymore, or the job that I can't stand but feel completely stuck in, the fact that 75% of my closest friends live out of state and I don't get to see them nearly enough, and the list goes on & on & on & ON.

But what about the amazing husband that I do have, and the fact that if I let him, he makes me laugh, every single day. And not just polite little chuckles, but big hearty guffaws that come straight from the depths of my soul.

And that debt? Sure, its a mess. But we've been here before, and pulled ourselves out of it. And that money was spent on 1) starting the business, 2) improvements around the house, 3) a couple of vacations that we DESPERATELY needed, and 4) some "had to do" things, like the dog's surgery and some pretty major car repairs. We've overspent, but not frivolously. And we can, and WILL, turn it around.

The house... well, honestly, it'll never be my ideal. But I really do take comfort in knowing that even in this horrid Michigan economy, if one of us lost our job, the other CAN make the mortgage payment. We'll have to make some sacrifices, do without some things for a while, but we will have that roof over our heads, food on the table, and all the other necessities. Sadly, many of my fellow Michiganders don't have that same peace of mind. And that alone is worth FAR MORE to me than having the cute little 4 bedroom ranch with remodeled kitchen & 2.5 baths... and even more than the 5 bedroom house on 25 acres with a 2000 sq ft pole barn that is our "someday dream house". We'll get there some day, but right now... right now we're safe.

The job is, well, the job. Its got it's struggles, like any job does. Granted, this one comes with it's own unique set of difficulties, but I came back to it for a reason. Working for family does have its perks, especially once the kiddos DO decide to make their long awaited appearance. See, I figure its got to be pretty tough for the boss to get mad about you missing work for a sick kid, when that sick kid is his grandchild. There's logic there, see it? All in due time, it'll all be worth the hassle.

I wish with everything I have that I could spend more "in person" time with friends. But you know what? I'm pretty blessed to have so many people that care so much about me, and that I feel are sisters to me. And beyond that, I've got some really nice future vacation spots, and all I have to do is pay for the plane ticket!

So see, I think it's time I stopped acting like the spoiled little brat whining about wanting what I don't have. We WILL be parents, that WILL happen for us. I don't know when or how, but IT WILL HAPPEN! I honestly don't think I can take my focus off of that one specific "have not", but the rest of the list? Screw it... the rest of that "have not" list is bullshit, and I've given it far too much attention for far too long. Time to change it up a bit, and remind myself of how truly blessed I really am.

is it a shitty attitude, or is it just being realistic?

So, I just got off the phone with Grumpy. Our conversation went like this:

"I don't feel so good this morning honey", I said.

"Really babe, what's wrong?"

"I've got that, 'I've gotta puke feeling', and it just came on out of nowhere"

"Maybe you're pregnant"

"Yeah, while I'm on my period" (said in the snarkiest tone I'm capable of, which is pretty freaking snarky!)

"It's POSSIBLE"

"Yeah, and the sky could turn green with purple polka dots, too. That's POSSIBLE"

"Well don't you just have a shitty attitude today...."

I don't know whether to hug him for his naive optimism, or beat the snot out of him for being a fucktard. Any suggestions?

well, I didn't do it

I did not crawl into the bottle last night. I tried, but only got 1 drink into it. I just wasn't feeling it last night. I did however have a good talk, and good cry, with Grumpy. Seems to have helped, as I feel a bit lighter this morning... not quite so burdened.

in need of a big, giant cocktail

ever have one of those days that you just want to get so drunk you can't remember your own name, let alone any of the things that are bothering you? well, I'm having one. actually, I think I'm going on about a month straight of them. and I think tonight shall be the night that I finally climb into the bottle for a little while

hoping to leave work a bit early, and be nice & smashed by the time Grumpy gets home. maybe if I'm lucky he can find me passed out in the lounge chair on the patio, empty bottle in one hand, smoke in the other...

sounds like a lovely way to spend a monday evening, doesn't it?

cd41 with a temp rise

and I really don't know what the hell to think

I know that I wish I'd been able to temp on cd20 - 23, and that I'd have gone to bed earlier the night before cd30 so I could've temped...

beyond that, I don't have a clue what this thing is trying to tell me

anyone with ANY insights? HELP GET A POOR OBSESSED GIRL BACK ON HER ROCKER!?!

cd40 with a temp drop

and now, looking at my chart, I don't even know if I ovulated. It looked so obvious for that weekend, but now, almost 20 days later... I can't tell. I hate to say it, or think it even, but it looks like cycle 28 will end with no more answers than we had when it began.

I have my 60 day Met follow up appointment on Sep 26. I doubt we will have any more answers then, either. I'm sure it'll be a "let's see what happens over the next 60 days" kind of appointment.

I understand that Met takes a while to build up in your system, and that it could be a few months before I really know whether or not its making any difference. I get that I'm supposed to be patient through all of this.

But how much patience can 1 couple be expected to muster? Its been 28 cycles now, but 42 months. Granted, some of those 28 cycles you can't really consider "trying", but for each and every moment of those 42 months I've been ready, have wanted this, have ached for it. 42 months that have included 2 HSGs, 2 SAs, 1 cyst removal surgery, 2 IUIs, 5 or 6 rounds of clomid, 60 days on Metformin, 3 HCG trigger shots, a CBE Fertility Monitor, a handful of OPKs, 3 months of counseling for each of us, a 6 week trial separation, more intimiate encounters with Mr Wand than I care to think about, and more wasted money on negative HPTs then I'll even allow myself to calculate. How much longer is our road going to be?

I feel the overwhelming urge to drive out to the middle of nowhere, and scream until my lungs bleed. I know it won't do anything to change the situation, but somehow that release of energy seems really appealing.

Patience, grace, strength, and peace, Lord.... Give me patience, grace, strength, and peace.

Still

My temps are still high, my chart is still pretty, there are still no signs of AF.... and my tests are still negative.

At this point, in an effort to find some mental & emotional stillness, I'm going to make a serious effort to step away from the obsession roller coaster, at least for a few days. This cycle is what it is no matter how often I stare at my chart, or how many dreams I have of Thanksgiving dinner announcements to family.

So... I need to be still, if only for a little while. I suppose if AF still hasn't shown, and my temps are still high, I'll undoubtedly test again at some point. But today, my goal is to be still. We will see what tomorrow brings.

ok, I think I need to clarify some things

so, being the obsession queen that I am... (maybe that we all become after long enough on this ride?), I've driven myself and several close friends absolutely BONKERS for the last 2 days. So here's a summary:

• My chart does not show ovulation. However, I missed a few temps due to our charity function that had me working midnights for a weekend. I (and pretty much everyone else that I've begged to take a peek) am pretty confident that I o'ed somewhere in the cd20-23 timeframe (which also happens to be the weekend with the missing temps).
  
• I did test yesterday at lunch, and it was an assumed BFN. However (and here's where the obsessing dives deeper towards realms of insanity):
  a) I did not test with FMU (big No-No to us TTC-ers, but I figured since I was 14-17dpo I'd be ok)
  b) I did not see a glaring 2nd line, and tossed the test. Today, I looked up the test brand here and see that some of those positives are really really hard to see. But, today was garbage day, so I can't obsess over the test itself, and am reduced to obsessing over the memory of the test.
  
• As you can see on the chart, my temp rose slightly again today. And over the last couple of days, its gotten a slightly triphasic look to it, even without all the temps filled in.
  
• There is still no sign of AF, which is very strange. Not only might I be "late", but normally allowing Ms Hope a stronghold guarantees that AF will be here within 24 hours. If THAT doesn't work, she's almost always here the day after I test...

So, the current plan is to continue to obsess and dream for the next 16.5 hours... I'll test in the morning if my temp hasn't taken the nosedive I expect, and if there is still no sign of AF.

Updates to follow as soon as they become available...

btw, thanks all for the obsessing/analyzing/good thoughts/helpful ideas. And Tigs, your verification word scares me a little bit, lol.

This Damn Roller Coaster

I hate Roller Coasters.... Thrill rides of all shape & size, to be exact. I'll gladly spend a day at a theme park with friends, I'll even ride some of the more tame rides, and I'll have a helluva good time in the process. But the roller coasters? Nope, no way, not gonna happen. Gimme all your stuff, have fun, I'll meet you at the exit!

That leaves me trying to figure out how exactly I manage to keep climbing on this roller coaster. This emotional journey of ups & downs, and breath-taking turns at Mach speeds. For some reason, this damn roller coaster has me addicted. Just look at my recent posts... I go from Time in the Hole, to The Happiness Challenge, to being giddy/nervous/downright terrified about a potential pregnancy that I knew had no real chance of happening.

I'm a pretty logical chick, or at least I like to think so. My head knew damn well that I wasn't going to get pregnant this cycle, and that I needed to be thrilled that the Met had made me ovulate. That needed to be enough... hell, it should be enough! But nope, somehow this morning I woke up with the realization that I was somewhere in the 14-17dpo range, and my temp had actually gone UP?!?!? This doesn't happen to me. My temp starts its nose dive by 12dpo, and I'm LUCKY to make it to 14dpo before I'm on to the next cycle.

So, I went from being thrilled with the fact that I had o'ed (I really was, just look at that post last week), to honestly believing I had a shot this cycle. How did I make the transition? It was that damn Miss Hope that Nancy talks about, and let me tell you, I'd love to strangle that bitch! (Miss Hope, not Nancy! smooches Nancy!)

And of course it wasn't enough to just hope for a shot at the ever-coveted prize. Nooooooooooooooo, not for this girl. Instead, I had full on panic-attack, trying to figure out how we were going to get out of the debt we've managed to accumulate over the last year, what the hell would we do about child care, I really need to start eating healthier, we have to decide where to move the cat's food & litterbox as that room will be the nursery, and on and on and on this insanity went.

Did I mention that I can mentally jump from Point A to Point Q in 3.5 seconds? It might be an entertaining little show to watch, but it's not a fun way to live.

Back on the damn roller coaster... that I despise... and yet, even after 3+ years of it, I still jump on it every chance I get.

ok, I'm officially freaking out... UPDATED

It's cd37, and I'm somewhere between 14 & 17 dpo, and I had a temp rise this morning. I have no tests in the house, or I'd have taken one this morning. So I think I'll be stopping at Dollar Tree @ lunch & taking one then.

I just can't believe that after 3+ years of this, I still get this freaked out that there might be a chance. Logically speaking, I'm pretty certain there isn't. And yet, hope has still found it's way in, and it's got quite a stronghold right now.

If it's negative, I can handle it. I've seen lots & lots & LOTS of negative tests over the years. I'll just add it to the list, lol.

But..... what if........ well, what if it's not negative?



______________________________________________


and the freak out is over... I tested @ lunch, bfn

so where the hell is Ms AF?

Best Prayer I've Heard In A Long Time

"Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love."



I'm not an overtly religious person, but I wanted to share this. I'm also not known for my patience, and this serves as a reminder that everyone we encounter is dealing with some kind of turmoil, and they all deserve our kindness.

Bad blogger, bad bad BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD blogger!

Sorry folks, I was just politely reminded that I haven't let you all know my latest Met update....

I O'ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO-FUCKIN-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check it out for yourself here

Unfortunately, courtesy of that freakin festival we had to work, I was unable to temp for a few days there. And that appears to be when I o'ed, as there is a definite temp shift after that weekend. But, even tho I don't have those pretty red FF CL's, any chart-obsessed TTC/IF-er can tell there's an o there! Yay me, Yay me, YAY ME!!!! {doing a little happy dance}

I guess I'm in the 2ww, or more accurately, the 1ww now. Altho, I'm not waiting for anything... The lovely Met side effects meant there hasn't been much lovin' happening in our world for the last month, so there isn't any realistic chance that there'd have been any interested swimmers waiting to meet that egg my body released.

But I'm ok with that. Cuz if I o'ed this cycle, then maybe, just maybe, I can do it again. And if so, then you damn well better believe there'll be all KINDS of swimmers up in there waiting for the shy lil Ms Egg to make her appearance!

duh... its the Happiness Challenge

not the Guilt Challenge!

So, I've already decided to change up my plans for the challenge. My original plan was to do something productive for myself or the household every morning. And well, I faced reality, admitted that I'm NOT a morning person, and decided not to guilt myself into being one.

So now, the updated challenge:

• Do something productive for myself or the household every day
• Enjoy my morning cup of coffee outside on the patio whenever weather permits
• Have at least 1 bonfire per week with hubby

I know the first one seems kind of silly. But, with the way Met has been kicking my ass, and the stronghold that the depression has taken, some days it's an accomplishment to just get out of bed. I need to baby step my way out of that, so I'm hoping this challenge helps.

And so far, it seems to be.... I cleaned the bathroom last night (yay me!), and this morning had coffee on the patio (which I enjoyed immensely).

Dreams

Does anybody else out there have super-vivid, incredibly realistic, techni-color dreams? Dreams that you know in your heart are a glimpse into your future reality? That can be so sweet and comfortable you don't want to wake up from them? Or so sad and terrifying you want to pinch yourself every moment you're in them, even knowing in the dream that you want to pinch yourself awake?

I've always had these kind of dreams. They aren't the only dreams I have, thank GOD. I certainly enjoy my adventures in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (with Gene Wilder, not that creepy Johnny Depp), and who doesn't love a good We Just WON THE LOTTERY dream?

Lately tho, the realistic dreams are back in full force. And they all revolve around babies. Not adoptive babies, not someone else's babies, but MY BABY. I dream my own little BFP (first with just Grumpy and I, and then the announcements to family and friends), the entire pregnancy, L&D (altho I somehow gloss over the pain of that... go figure?!?), breastfeeding, first bath, family visits... basically from the moment we find out, until the Little One is a few weeks old.

And the dreams feel so natural... so right... so.... perfect. Like I know that this is what my life WILL someday be. Not that it could be, or might be, but that I WILL LIVE THAT.

So, when does the dream get to be real? Can it be now please? I'm ready. I really, truly, deep down into the deepest parts of my heart know that I'm ready.

What's taking so damned long?

cd31

and a temp spike, or rise anyway

still no confirmed ovulation on this thing, but I am REALLY wishing that I hadn't had to work the overnights at our festival last month. That totally screwed my ability to temp, and it looks as if I *might* have o'ed that weekend... maybe

or maybe I o'ed on cd28, and we have a shot

or maybe I haven't o'ed at all, and the met isn't working.... or isn't working yet

or maybe I just get off on analyzing the death out of the damn chart. THIS is precisely why I STOPPED charting. but I don't really have an option right now. My gyno put me on the Met, and she has no way to tell when and if I o, sooooooooooooooooooooooo, charting it is.

comments? opinions? come & obsess with me!