Thursday, December 11, 2008

The 5 Stages

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I'm learning that it's not a linear journey through the stages. You're not able to work your way through one, and "check it off the list". You can cover multiple stages at a time, or you can rest "comfortably" in one stage for days, weeks, months at a time.

I'm learning that no matter how you explain it, or how much you share, some people just can't/don't/won't get it. Those people, as much as you love them and they love you, can't help.

I'm learning that no matter how little you say, or how far you withdraw, some people do genuinely get it. These people should be treasured and cherished for the gifts that they are.

I'm learning - the hard way - that grieving multiple things at the same time seems to snowball, to tie those things together in ways that maybe they shouldn't be. That it seems to multiply the pain of 1 loss by a factor of another.

And I'm learning that this outlet - this opportunity - to put my words out there, to be heard, to be understood - is far more valuable, and healthy, than I ever would have imagined. So many of you, by leaving a comment or sending an email or tweeting some silliness, are helping me through this, to find my way to the coveted acceptance. And for that, I am eternally grateful.


DD said...

You know what would make me feel better when I look at those 5 stages of grief? If I could simply back-hand the person who came up with them.

Which would make you believe that I'm still dealing a lot with the Anger part of it all.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Beth, I'm a true believer in the idea that you get what you give and you give so much warmth, love and kindness to others (including myself) that you deserve it all back ten-fold. I hope that your journey through these five stages brings you to a a better place. And I'll always be here if you ever need an ear, a hand, or shoulder. ((HUGS))

luna said...

beth, with all the care and his suffering, it's hard to even get to the real work of processing your grief. thinking of you as you miss him.

yesterday would have been my dad's birthday -- he died when I was 16 after a short but awful battle with cancer. the suffering was so hard to see that sometimes we just thought well, he'll get better, he has to. other times we realized maybe death would be a relief for him. but for us, then the hard work began. now, 20+ yrs later, I still think of him a LOT.

to DD, the woman who came up with the stages knew they were just the beginning -- merely a way to frame the grieving process rather than tools to get though it. but that anger one is a real b*#ch.

Kaci said...

I won't even pretend to get it. I can't imagine going through what you've been through, and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with it. I don't always know how to be there for you, but even when I don't know, I'm still here. :( (((hugs)))

Tigger said...

My counselor warned me that it wasn't linear, but I didn't believe him either. I'm a planner - I want a timeline. I also want to be done. NOW.

I find the anger rears up when people say "at least her suffering is over" or "she's in a better place". It's akin to telling someone suffering a TTC loss that "at least you know you can get pregnant". My dad also tends to bring it out, because I'm all he's got. Frustration with the grief of others plays a big part, I think.

At any rate - how about more drinks? Seems like a good idea to me. (No, I'm not a lush. I haven't even HAD a drink since mom died. I just wish I could, and thus the virtual "let's get plowed and not think".)

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm with what DD said. I'd LOVE to smack the crap out of the person that gave us "stages" to go through when grieving. That being said, you are doing a GREAT job! your so present with your emotions and accepting. That's so great! I truly hope you find a place of peace, but don't hurry yourself there.

nancy said...

I'm thinking of you Beth.

Beautiful Mess said...

If you feel up to it, I gave you an award on my blog. I have no idea if you have one already but if you don't, you do now! If you do..well now you have another! I hope your feeling good today!