Oh, that's right

I have a blog!

My apologies for the radio silence over the last week. There were the holidays, then I was sick for a couple of days, and then our internet was down for a couple of days, and blah blah blah Here I am!

On the IF/TTC front, I ovulated at some point a few days before Christmas, though I'm not exactly sure when. I guess that means I'm in the 2ww, huh? I've decided that I won't test until January 7th. That would have been Dad's 80th birthday, and it seems somehow - right - to test then.

Grumps and I are gearing up for a weekend of teenage insanity at our house. We're having 4 of my cousins (ages 19, 16, 15, and 11) spend the night this Friday. I'm excited, yet somehow feeling like I've lost my ever-loving mind for getting myself into this. I suppose we'll see if I survive come Saturday evening. Wish me luck!

Random-ish

That whole "non-smoker" thing? Out the window... I'm a bit sad that I was unable to stick with it again, but I know that I'll get there, either in my own time, or with the proper motivation (you know, like a pregnancy...)

Grumps and I are gearing up for the holiday insanity. The next 4 days are jam packed with family obligations, visits with friends, and hopefully some fun and quiet time in there, too. I expect that it won't be my Best Christmas Ever, as I'm sure there will be a few moments of missing Dad that give me pause. But, I also expect that I'll get through it, and I'll have some fun, and all will be well.

Still waiting to ovulate (I think... I'm not doing anything that would tell me I have (charting, temping, OPKing), but I also don't *think* I have yet), and therefore still enjoying those "pre-ovulation activities" that folks enjoy when they're taking a break from the infertile label and attempting to make a baby the old fashioned way.

So, here's to Family Friends, Fun, Cocktails, and Baby-Making! And may you all have a Merry Christmas, or a Happy Hanukkah, or a Fabulous Bottle Of Wine, or whatever makes ya happy this time of year!

Bloggy Love

D from Beautiful Mess loves my blog!

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Where is your significant other? North

3. Your hair color? Brown

4. Your mother? controlling

5. Your father? gone

6. Your favorite thing? naps

7. Your dream last night? none

8. Your dream/goal? motherhood

9. The room you're in? office

10. Your hobby? Blogging

11. Your fear? barren

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Home

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you're not? pregnant

15. One of your wish list items? ipod

16. Where you grew up? Detroit

17. The last thing you did? blogged

18. What are you wearing? clothes

19. Your T.V.? off

20. Your pet? snuggly

21. Your computer? slow

22. Your mood? quiet

23. Missing someone? yup

24. Your car? reliable

25. Something you're not wearing? sweats

26. Favorite store? ?

27. Your Summer? busy

28. Love someone? yup

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? Friday?

And I'm passing it on to:

Emily because she & I seem to have quite a bit in common, and as excited as I am for her to be starting this new chapter in her life, I'm sad that we haven't been able to meet face-to-face while we've lived so close.

R&R because she doesn't sugar-coat. Life isn't sunshine and roses just because you get off the IF ride, and she doesn't waste a moment's energy pretending that it is. She's honest, and she's raw, and she's genuine, and her writing has taught me a lot.

Joe because he gives the IF community a rare glimpse into the guys' side of this journey. If you're not reading him, you should be!

Pam because her words make me think, and make me examine my own feelings in ways that I wouldn't otherwise. Her blog is not to be taken lightly, not to be glossed over for quick updates. But rather to be sat with, over a nice cup of coffee, like an old friend you can really learn from.

And, my IRL girls: Mer, Kaci, and Becky. You girls let me live vicariously through the telling of your stories. Thank you.

The Bitch is Back

Hope, oh damn you Ms Hope!

Why do you fuck with me so? WHY do you create all of these ridiculous fantasies in my normally grounded head? Why force me to realize that I could very well ovulate Christmas week (or even before)? Or that I could test on what would have been Dad's 80th birthday?

I blame you for my body's resistance to my longtime friend and confidante, one Mr Basic Menthol Light. And now, you've even managed to get me all hopped up on your positivity that I seem to be EMBRACING this whole "non-smoker" thing. And not even in my usual, grumpy, hypocritical way. Nope, there have been no snide comments to the other smokers in my life, no banning of cigs anywhere they've been allowed in the past. Just me, carrying on as if life is completely normal.

Consider this a warning, Ms Hope. If you fail me this time - if you are setting me up to fall flat on my face, again - things could get ugly between us. Really. Fucking. Ugly.

It's all very strange

As I stumble my way through the emotional mess that is "the grieving process" (can't you just see those air quotes? argh!), I find my body has decided on its own - process.

Apparently, my lady parts are remembering their purpose, and are working at getting the job done {read: OBVIOUS ovulation (for the first time evah) and raging (tho short) AF complete with a week! of PMS bitchyness (oh my poor husband)}.

Also, this week I spent a couple of days home sick, feeling all medicine-head-y (but without the medicine?). Naps are my friend, a whole lot. But, it seems as long as I can sleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon, I can eat whatever I want, exercise, or just lay like a lump on the couch with my remote. I am back at work today, but I long for the coziness of an afternoon on the couch...

And it seems as though my body, through no definitive choice of my brain - has decided that I am done smoking. Mind you, I'm not complaining or anything... it all just came on kind of suddenly. I was working up to the long, drawn-out break-up with my beloved Basic Menthol Lights. I fully intended to get there, had even started intentionally seeing less of them. But, my body? She's decided that she is DONE with that shit!

All in all, I'm not exactly complaining about any of this. It just all seems so... strange. So foreign. Like someone has replaced my mushy, unhealthy, broken body with a look-(and feel)-alike that wants to be... better.

Very strange, indeed.

The 5 Stages

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I'm learning that it's not a linear journey through the stages. You're not able to work your way through one, and "check it off the list". You can cover multiple stages at a time, or you can rest "comfortably" in one stage for days, weeks, months at a time.

I'm learning that no matter how you explain it, or how much you share, some people just can't/don't/won't get it. Those people, as much as you love them and they love you, can't help.

I'm learning that no matter how little you say, or how far you withdraw, some people do genuinely get it. These people should be treasured and cherished for the gifts that they are.

I'm learning - the hard way - that grieving multiple things at the same time seems to snowball, to tie those things together in ways that maybe they shouldn't be. That it seems to multiply the pain of 1 loss by a factor of another.

And I'm learning that this outlet - this opportunity - to put my words out there, to be heard, to be understood - is far more valuable, and healthy, than I ever would have imagined. So many of you, by leaving a comment or sending an email or tweeting some silliness, are helping me through this, to find my way to the coveted acceptance. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

It hit me last night...

My Dad's gone.

I'm 30 years old, and I don't have a Daddy anymore.

And that? PISSES ME OFF!

Never another Christmas breakfast with him.

No more meals at his favorite little diner, where he has to introduce us to everyone.

No more watching his face light up around babies, or dogs.

And? And another person that is important to us, that our children will never know.

I miss my Daddy.

The 9 Layers Meme

A meme to peel away the layers of you.

Layer One:
Name: Beth
Birth date: September 9
Birthplace: Detroit suburbs
Current Location: Detroit suburbs
Eye color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown (and grey)
Height: 5'5 ish
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac sign: Virgo

Layer Two:
Your Heritage: Italian and Heinz 57 (English, Scottish, Irish, French-Canadian, Native American)
The shoes you wore today: black high-heeled loafers
Your weakness: too many to count
Your fears: never being a Mom
Your perfect pizza: Papa John's Spinach Alfredo Chicken Tomato
Goal you’d like to achieve: parenthood, and debt-free living

Layer Three:
Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol
Your first waking thoughts: "nooooooooooooooooooo, not yet! 1 more snooze!"
Your best physical feature: I don't know - maybe my eyes?
Your most missed memory: Grandpa, and Dad

Layer Four:
Pepsi or Coke: diet wild cherry pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King for the burger, McDonald's for the fries.
Single or group dates: umm, single
Adidas or Nike: Who the fuck cares?
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: whatever is on sale
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: either

Layer Five:
Smoke: yes, but I wish I never picked it up
Cuss: Hi, have we met?
Sing: I wish I could.
Take a shower everyday: I'd say 13 out of 14... sometimes I just have an "I don't give a fuck" Saturday or Sunday
Do you think you’ve been in love: yes
Want to go to college: I'd love to go back. someday...
Liked high school: then, HELL NO. looking back now, yeah, I guess I liked it
Want to get married: I am, and it's the best decision I've ever made!
Believe in yourself: sometimes
Get motion sickness: on rides, yes. in the car, only if I try to read
Think you’re attractive: I have my god days, and my "shouldn't have gotten out of bed" days
Think you’re a health freak: Hi, have we met?
Get along with your parents: not as well as I'd like
Like thunderstorms: I love them.
Play an instrument: No, but want to learn the piano

Layer Six:
In the past month….
Drank alcohol: yup
Smoked: yup
Done drugs: nope
Made out: yup
Gone on a date: yup (gotta love date night!)
Gone to the mall: yup (unfortunately)
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
Eaten sushi: it's been just over a month (and I only know that because we had sushi with my sisters right after Dad died)
Been on stage: nope
Been dumped: nope
Gone skating: nope (I do more "sliding" and "falling" than actual skating" anyway
Made homemade cookies: nope, but it's on my to-do list for the next month
Gone skinny dipping: nope
Dyed your hair: never
Stolen anything: not since high school

Layer Seven:
Have you ever….
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yup
Been caught “doing something”: Yup
Been called a tease: Yup
Gotten beat up: Once. That was enough for me.
Shoplifted: in middle school
Changed who you were to fit in: yup, unfortunately

Layer Eight:
Age you hope to be married: I was married at 24, which seems like a good age.
Names of children: no kids yet, but I'm not publishing the hopeful names... or at least not publishing them again
Describe your dream wedding: I had my dream wedding... the man I love, our closest family and friends, and beautiful surroundings. What more can a girl ask for?
How do you want to die: peacefully
Where do you want to go to college: I went to Oakland (and dropped out), and have taken classes at the local community college
What do you want to be when you grow up: a Mom
What country would you most like to visit: Australia

Layer Nine:
Number of drugs taken illegally: I've only tried 1 illegal substance... not such a "gateway drug" is it?
Number of people I could trust with my life: Just one
Number of CDs that I own: too many
Number of piercings: had my ears done, but I'm pretty sure the holes have closed
Number of tattoos: none
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: don't think I've ever been in the newspaper
Number of scars on my body: too many: 5 from surgery, 1 from a childhood accident that required stitches, and a whole bunch from being a tomboy!
Number of things in my past I regret: thats a trip down memory lane that I'm not really interested in taking, thankyouverymuch!

Wahoo!

Today is CD1! And I'm even pretty sure I ovulated last cycle! AND, assumng that's correct, I had a nice, respectable, 13 day lp!

Wahoo!

Well hello, Hormonal Mood Swings!

Oh how I've - missed you?

Apparently my body is getting the hang of this whole "working reproductive system" thing. I'm fairly certain that I ovulated about 10 days ago, and the PMS-y hormonal RAGE kicked in full force last night (my poor saint of a husband), so I'm thinking AF should be arriving over the course of the next few days.

After her departure, we'll spend the next cycle attempting to make a baby the old fashioned way (yes, you're allowed to laugh). If THAT doesn't work, I'll have an HSG in January (beginning of the following cycle) to give my tubes a post-surgical looksee. After that, it'll either be a few months of the old fashioned way of doing things, or a few months of Clomid - depending on what else is going on in life (Clomid is NOT my friend... or, should I say, NOT Grumpy's friend. I'm HORRIBLE on it!)

Come on red witch! I'd much prefer to be over and done with you BEFORE Christmas, please & thank you!