Friday, August 29, 2008

Infertility is a

You'd think that with everything going on in my world these days, infertility would have taken a back seat. SHOULD have taken a back seat.

But, NOPE! That bitch is ALWAYS there, just beyond whatever is demanding front and center attention in my brain. And every now and then, it demands the spot light for itself.

Still worried about Dad (his recovery, whether or not he'll ever get home, whether or not he'll be approved for medicare, where we'll move him to if his insurance doesn't approve him to stay in rehab, how the hell he (or we) will pay for a nursing home). Still worried about Grumps (will he get accepted into the education program, how will he do in school, will his spirit survive this whole new brand of hard-times). Always worried about our finances (We were getting ahead until the whole "unemployed spouse" situation made its grand entrance. If he's going to school, how are we going to figure out a way to get ahead with our new financial situation?) Work is INSANE, and will NOT get any better until after tax season. Grump's Mom's and sister's health are an ongoing concern. I have more friends going thru their own emotional turmoils than I can count. blah blah blah blah fucking blah.

And still, through all of that, the soul-crushing ache of infertility manages to rear its ugly head. It's really disgusting. I wasn't really sure how we'd pay for treatments in our former economic life. This new life? Ha! Laughable. And let's just be naive for a moment and say that we won't need treatments (again, laughable... but not totally impossible), is now, with all of this going on, really a reasonable and responsible time to add a child into the mix? Of course my brain is screaming NO, YOU FREAKING IDIOT! But my heart? And my uterus? Those bitches INSIST that we can find a way to make it work. And the little whores further comment that life doesn't always work out "the way you have it pictured" but it does always work out.

Go back to ttc with an unemployed hubs and a shaky financial picture? Or put it on hold for ANOTHER 2+ years, when we'll both be 2 years older, and then endo has had a 2 year opportunity to grow it's little heart out (which, as I'm typing this makes me realize that this option would make this entire year of preparation treatments & surgery a COMPLETE waste of time and energy)?

Ah, the infertility... she is a BITCH!


Shinejil said...

This is so much to have on your plate. It just sucks that IF all comes down to the money, not the medical necessity or best treatment plan for the couple.

Sending sympathy and hoping you get some relief from all these cares...

Liz said...

Oh man, and I think my life is bad! Way too much for you to del with, right now. How many people have said that old saw, "God never sends you more than you can handle?" That always drives me up the damn wall.

I suffered from secondary infertility, and eventually gave up the dream of the second child. That is very, very hard, I'm not going to lie to you. But at least I have Marissa and I wouldn't trade her for, well, anything.

It always feels like you go through this alone. But a friend gave me a book to help: Tiny Toes, which is one woman's tale of her battle/experience with infertility, and then premature babies and the accompanying depression. I tout it now as a A "must read" for any couple looking into and wanting insight into infertility options or the challenges presented by premature births.

Stacie said...

It is amazing to me how much the pain of infertility can still rock me at my core. (and I am technically a simi success story, although things are far from being how I thought they'd be.)

I am so sorry that it is hurting you, too. I hope that things start to look a little brighter for you, your family, and friends sooner rather than later.

And I still wish that we all become those miracles who get pregnant without the aid of a team of doctors. I can dream, can't I?

Here from ICLW.

Ellie said...

I am so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling right now. Infertility sucks! I too have been unsuccessful in being able to get pregnant. I just finished reading a great book called "Tiny Toes," written by Kelly Damron. It has been a god send in helping me get through the pain of it all. I suggest anyone going through the pain of infertility read this amazing book. Good luck to you. Hang in there.

Donielle said...

First time I've read your blog, but this post is just so honest. It never does seem to matter what's going on in life. Your heart just wants what it wants. Hope your life stresses settle down!