Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Michigan rain storms, followed by the cool relief of a cold front, ushered in with a lovely springtime breeze. Doesn't get much better than that!

Unless, of course, the lovely weather is coupled with the approval from Dr. N to begin estrogen add-back therapy! (Hip-Hip-HooRAY! for Estrogen!!!!)

The hot flashes aren't completely gone yet, but definitely reduced. I never did a daily count, but I'd estimate I was up to more than 20 a day, and at least a third of them had me breaking out in an honest-to-goodness sweat. Since starting the Estrogen yesterday, I am pretty sure I've had less than a dozen power surges. And of those, only 2 or 3 have left me having to wipe my brow.

Estrogen, you're my HERO!

When will it be

MY TURN, GODDAMNIT?!?!?!

Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck FUCK!

This waiting, with absolutely no forward motion, as I continue to switch people from my "Still Searching" Reader category to the "Finding the Promised Land" category, and all I get to do in the meantime is REVIEW MY FUCKING INSURANCE POLICY is just simply chipping away at my sanity.

Stories on the news of unwanted children being abused, or of BABIES having babies. Stories IRL of people that have no desire to have (and no business having) babies. Babies babies babies babies BABIES....

and here I sit, waiting (somewhat) patiently, for my insurance policy to arrive in the mail so that I can review, and start asking the IF coverage questions. Why? Because that is the ONLY FUCKING THING I CAN DO to get us even a little bit closer to OUR baby.

FUCK!

Holy Pit-Stains Batman

I know, not all delicate & feminine. Have we met?

The only Lupron side effect I'm left with at this point is the hot flashes. I'm glad the rest has gone, but MY GAWD, I believe these freakin' things have gotten worse!

I'm actually breaking out in a sweat, at least a dozen times a day. And sweating isn't exactly my favorite passtime... unless it's achieved during, shall we say - adult - activities.

4 more days and I can start my estrogen... just 4 more days!

Pleasantly Surprised

Well, that last post of mine was totally wrong. I was obviously a bit down when I wrote it, but that was the end of the negativity.

On the ride home, I was so tired that my entire thought process was "I wish I were in bed. MUST STAY AWAKE. I'm so tired. MUST STAY AWAKE." No room in there for any "woe is me" infertility crap.

Sunday morning, I woke up with nothing but warm fuzzies, and some pretty cute stories about the kiddos. Nothing warms the soul quite like a mischievous grin from a 1 year old, or a big ol' hug from a 2 and a half year old.

Yup, definitely in a good place right now. Now, if I can just figure out how to hold on to it....

Oh my aching

uterus.

I'm babysitting for a very good friend tonight. She's got 2 adorable kids, that I love as if they were my own family. When I arrived, her oldest RAN to greet me, and I got a giant hug, and then he had to show me all of his exciting toys. The little one isn't quite as excited about Aunt Beth, but she and I haven't really gotten a chance to know each other as well... yet. I'm sure that we will, it just takes time.

As I type this, the 2 of them are sleeping soundly *knock on wood*. The only sound thru the monitor is the sucking of a pacifier. Little miss had a tough time going down, but I know that it is only because I'm not Mama. Her big brother did his parents proud tho, only asking me to read about 8 stories (wink) before giving it up for the night.

As you can clearly tell, this friend is a fertile. BUT, she's not one of "those" fertiles. In fact, she's about THE most supportive non-infertile I have in my life. Her door is always open, any time I need a little man hug fix, or a smile from the little one, or a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to scream about the injustice at. Yet she's never, ever pushed me to be here. Her and her husband have invited the GrumpyOne and I to all of the kids birthday parties, yet she's completely understood when I've had to decline. Never once would she dream of uttering the dreaded "just relax", as she's well aware that 1) that doesn't work, and 2) that's probably the most insensitive phrase she could ever let fall out of her mouth to someone struggling to start their family. And the best part? I've not had to tell her any of that.... she just knows. She gets it, in ways that I'd never have expected a fertile to get it. I am incredibly blessed to call her my friend, and to be an Aunt to her wonderful kiddos.

Of course, this isn't the easiest way for me to spend a Saturday night. The kids are fun, and I always enjoy my time with them. Yet, anytime I head home after a visit with them, our house seems a little more empty, our family a little less complete. I expect a tough night tonight, and probably not my best day ever tomorrow. But, that's part of this journey, and I wouldn't give up the relationship with her, or with these kids, to spare myself that pain. Sitting here, listening to that monitor, knowing there are 2 little ones upstairs sleeping peacefully, that I will ALWAYS get to call my nephew and my niece... that's worth a few tears any day. And the best part? On those days that I can't do it.... that's ok with everyone.


I must add the disclaimer that I'm hesitant to even publish this post. My friend and I have discussed these issues before, so none of this will be any surprise to her. Yet, I really don't want these words to upset her. So YOU (and you know who you are), DON'T feel badly about this. You know me, and you know I'll be fine. And you also know that I need a bad day from time to time, that I need the cathartic release of a few tears, and that they'll come anyway. Please don't for one moment think that it's got ANYTHING to do with you or your beautiful family. Instead, it has absolutely everything to do with the kids I don't yet have. And that isn't going to change whether you 2 take a date night or not.



Edited on November 20, 2008 to add this link from the friend that I discussed in this post. Isn't she amazing? I'm so, SO blessed to have her in my life!

Saturday Scattergories!

Cali did it again, so I'm doing it again. Play along, & link back here, or at Cali's post.


SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog. Saturday is game day!

Use the first letter of your name of your street to answer each of the following. (if your street name is a number use the first letter that spells the number. If you live on Fifth Avenue then your letter should be F) They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.

1. What is the name of your street? Cushing
2. A 3 letter word? Cat
3. Something you would find in an office? copier
4. Something that smells bad? cheese gone bad
5. Movie Title? Coyote Ugly
6. Slow Dance Song? "Could I Have This Dance", Anne Murray (cheesey? perhaps... but this song was playing at the restaurant we were at when Grumpy proposed.... say it with me now: "awwwwwwwwwwwwwww")
7. Something in your pantry? Chocolate fudge brownie mix
8. Name of a pet turtle? charlie
9. Fetish or Phobia? Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women. I know ALL of us have been on the receiving end of this one a time or two (wink)
10. something you would find in your medicine chest? cold & sinus pills (the ONLY thing that gets me thru on my worst allergy days)

Spreading the Word - Edited

One of my very favorite IF bloggers, PJ of Coming2Terms fame has made some intensely significant progress in opening up the societal dialogue about infertility. Go check out her article at the New York Times (yes, that's right - the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES!!!!). Then, if you're able, participate in the conversation happening in the article's comments section, or back at PJ's blog.

As exciting as this is, I'm still blown away by the hurtful tone of many of the comments on the Times site.


Edited to add this link to the comments on the Times site that I referred to.

I *think*

I fixed it. I'm still not entirely happy with the colors, but at least I got the layout working. Please let me know if you notice any issues (slow loading, wierd links, whatever.)

I'm so out of my league with this html stuff. I really should just leave well enough alone!

Grumbling about Stupid

Bl0gcr0wds! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I saw a fancy schmancy template over there that I liked. I copied & pasted the HTML, and didn't like it so much after all, so I deleted it to go back to a standard Bl0gger template.

Except IT MESSED SHIT UP! AND I CAN'T FIX IT!

See those links in my header? I didn't (intentionally) do that. Freaking Bl0gcr0wd! I also think it altered my post formatting. Seems like I used to have the posting dates at the top of the post... now it's at the bottom, by the comments.

ARGH!

Lupron: 3 Weeks In

Today marks 3 weeks since my first shot. I have to go for #2 next Monday. I thought this would be a handy-dandy little time to take a peek at my experience... again.

- I am still having hot flashes. I'd say I average less than 10 in a "day" (24 hour period), but they are definitely more frequent during the night. In fact, the worst is when I'm laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. Most nights, I'll have 3 or 4 within a half hour. They generally only last a minute or 2, and are certainly tolerable. Just not delightful.

- The headaches are still there, but nothing horrible. It's almost like this constant, dull, achiness, rather than a "pounding" or "splitting" headache. Again, tolerable, but not delightful.

- The mood swings are also still there, but definitely seem to be levelling off. I feel more peaceful, less "wound too tight". Perhaps it's the summer, or the weekends away, or maybe just that I've somehow adjusted. But I'd be thrilled to not have to deal with those ridiculous panic attacks again.

- I seem to have a bit more energy these days. I'm falling asleep easier at night (after the hot flash routine), and getting up easier in the mornings. Sleep is gooooooooooooooooooood.

- The spotting has stopped again. Since starting this cycle, I've had 4 days of AF (short, but seemingly full flow), then 5 days without, then 1 day of spotting, 3 days of heavy spotting or light flow, then 4 more days of spotting, and the last 5 with nothing. 23 days into the cycle, and I've bled (in some form) for 12 of them. I think that's enough, no?

- I have completely lost my sex drive, which, sadly, I'm ok with. I'm so freakin dry that a simple TP use hurts - like sandpaper. And that's more graphic than anyone probably wanted or needed to know.

As a possibly related aside, The GrumpyOne & I are trying some magnetic therapy that was recommended by our chiropractor. He has a necklace and I have a bracelet, both made by TRION:Z. I can't honestly tell you if the magnets are really helping, or if it's all just the power of suggestion, but we have both commented on feeling better - in an overall, general way - since we got them. They can't hurt, right?

Scattergories!

I love love LOVE this game! Have the original, and an upgrade set with different topic cards. It's an absolute family favorite when we all get together.

Even though I'm 2 days late, when I saw that Calliope had started up a blog version... well, I just had to jump on her bandwagon! So, here we go:

Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.

1. What is your name? Beth
2. A 4 letter word: barn
3. A vehicle: Benz, as in Mercedes
4. A boy’s name: Benjamin
5. A girl’s name: Bella
6. Drink: bourbon
7. An occupation: bartender (apparently, I have bourbon on the brain)
8. Something you wear: bracelet
9. A celebrity: Brangelina
10. Something found in a bathroom: Balls (cotton? hairy? you pick!)
11. Reason for being late: battery died
12. Something you shout: Bastard!
13. A body part: boob
14. Word to describe yourself: balance-seeking

Now, check out Cali's post for other players. And please, please, PLEASE - if you decide to play along, leave me a comment back to your post, too!

Is it bad...

.... that I played hooky yesterday and cleaned my house? And now I'm sitting at work - bored out of my mind - thinking how nice it would be to be sitting in my nice, clean house?

WOW! Typing that made me feel old - very old.

Bragging

I just HAD to share this video. Since blogger is not cooperating with my efforts, I'm going to ask you to go check out this link

Go ahead, I'll wait....










Pretty cool, huh?

Now, the bragging part:

• He's my cousin (tho I take ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER for his talents... I just "ooooh" and "aaaah" a lot).
• He also rides a unicycle
• And makes balloon animals
• And does magic
• AND has even been PAID (pretty freakin well, too) to do kids' birthday parties and other kids' entertainment
• And, did I mention, he's 15?!

Shameless plug... should anyone in the Metro Detroit area be looking for entertainment for a kids' birthday party, let me know.

ok, bragging on relatives has concluded for the day. Thanks!

Growing up

I've done it, people! I actually.... created..... a BUDGET!

Well, kind of.

It's not so much a budget as it is spreadsheet (of course, cuz I love me some excel formulas!) for tracking income & expenses. More or less an activity log. BUT, I'm thinking that after a couple of months of logged activity, it might actually lend itself to becoming a budget!

"Why is she excited about this?" you're probably asking yourself. I'll tell you why... I work for a CPA, as a bookkeeper, and I do some bookkeeping/review of a few clients. The dichotomy of helping OTHER PEOPLE get their shit together, and me not even knowing how much shit I HAVE to get together... well, it finally got to be too much. And see, I've been wanting to do something like this for oh - about forEVAH! Wahoo procrastination!

Anywho, I put the fancy schmancy lil spreadsheet together on Saturday, and started entering activity in it as of June 1. I've got all the income & expenses categorized (or lord, I'm even following GAAP....). I've planned it so that I have monthly activity separated in different sheets (and I can even balance bank accounts), and I'll have an ongoing summary sheet that will show monthly totals. I may even do some fancy net worth kind of thing with it, too.

My plan (cuz I've always got to have a plan) is that understanding where we REALLY stand financially will help me to panic less about the BIG GIANT DEBT that I want paid off, like yesterday. I know it's going to take time, and I know it's going to take sacrifice. But my recurring method of "panic and eat mac & cheese for a month so we can send ALL OF OUR PENNIES to the debt" followed immediately by "that month REALLY FUCKING SUCKED, so let's go on a vacation, and then eat at restaurants every night for a week, and then buy some new clothes, and shoes, and tools, and crap crap CRAP"... well, it's not all that fun now.

I want to live "normally" for a couple of months, and see where we really are spending our money. Then we can see where we might be able to make a few cuts to pay down that debt some more. Or, maybe I'll have to finally face up to spending ridiculous amounts of money on absolutely nothing (do I really need to buy a pop or coffee EVERY TIME I stop & get gas?), and put a stop to some of that. OR, maybe I'll see that we don't have to live as tightly as I've been pushing for, and that we can have some fun while still paying down our debt and NOT FEEL GUILTY about it.

So, that's how I grew up this weekend.

About Me

Hi!

I'm guessing the only way you're reading this is if you're somewhat new to me (either thru NaComLeavMo, or some other click-thru way to my little corner of the Internet), so I figured I'd do some introducing type stuff.

My name is Beth. I've been married to Grumpy (aka Grumps, the GrumpyOne, and several other variations on the theme) for 5 years. We've been together since December 1996. We're working on getting ourselves out of debt, and on starting a side business. Oh, and we're infertile.

You'll notice on my blog that a lot of the speak is infertility related, but not all of it. I talk about recipes, and friends, and our finances, and much much randomness. But, the reason behind the blog is to have an outlet for all of my infertility related frustration. And, to hopefully get some feedback from like-minded (or like-experienced) folks, most of whom are undoubtedly wiser about this than I.

Here's a highlight version of our years of trying to make our family of 4 (including this puppy and this angry (yet adorable) cat) a family of 5 (or 7, if you believe Grumpy's prediction of triplet boys).

• April 04: tossed the birth control pills, naively thinking we'd be pregnant within 3 months or so.
• Sep 04: laparotomy to remove a LARGE endometriosis cyst
• Oct 04: cleared by gyno to start trying again naturally
• Aug 05: started first of 3 clomid cycles under the care of gyno
• Oct 05: referred to RE
• Dec 05 & Jan 06: 2 unsuccessful IUIs at the RE
• Mar 06: marriage falls apart, all baby-making activity stops
• Mar 07: marriage put back together again, all natural baby-making activity begins again
• Jun 07: gyno at a loss, as all tests seem "within normal ranges". prescribes metformin as a last-ditch effort before shipping me off to the RE (again)
• Jan 08: gyno leaves practice, so I set up an appointment with Dr N (new gyno)
• Apr 08: laproscopic surgery to remove another large endo cyst (found by the lovely, talented, and fatherly Dr N), as well as some smaller endo lesions
• May 08: start Lupron therapy (will last 4 to 6 months). no baby making attempts during this time while my body tries to heal

And that brings you up to speed. I've not yet been thru an IVF, and somehow, 4 years into this, I'm still insane enough to think that maybe - just maybe - we can do this on our own {you know, with the help of 2 surgeries (so far), and 2 HSGs (so far), and 3 different doctors (so far) and 6 prescription medications (so far)}. Naive? Perhaps... But, I is what I is, and that's all I can be.