Gone

January 7, 1929 - October 27, 2008

More to come on the topic, I'm sure, as I process all of it.

Know that I thank you - very much - for all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers over the last few months.

1996

Another meme stolen from the fantabulous Jendeis!

The Rules:
A.) Go to Music Outfitters.
B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate.

1. Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix), Los Del Rio
2. One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
3. Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion
4. Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project
5. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey
6. Give Me One Reason, Tracy Chapman
7. Tha Crossroads, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
8. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis
9. You're Makin' Me High/Let It Flow, Toni Braxton
10. Twisted, Keith Sweat
11. C'mon N' Ride It (The Train), Quad City Dj's
12. Missing, Everything But The Girl
13. Ironic, Alanis Morissette
14. Exhale (Shoop Shoop), Whitney Houston
15. Follow You Down/Til I Hear It From You, Gin Blossoms
16. Sittin' Up In My Room, Brandy
17. How Do U Want It/California Love, 2Pac
18. It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Celine Dion
19. Change The World, Eric Clapton
20. Hey Lover, LL Cool J
21. Loungin, LL Cool J
22. Insensitive, Jann Arden
23. Be My Lover, La Bouche
24. Name, Goo Goo Dolls
25. Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel
26. Where Do You Go, No Mercy
27. I Can't Sleep Baby (If I), R. Kelly
28. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
29. You Learn/You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette
30. One Of Us, Joan Osborne
31. Wonder, Natalie Merchant
32. Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige
33. Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
34. Only You, 112 Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.
35. Down Low (Nobody Has To Know), R. Kelly
36. You're The One, SWV
37. Sweet Dreams, La Bouche
38. Before You Walk Out Of My Life/Like This And Like That, Monica
39. Breakfast At Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something
40. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New), Coolio
41. The World I Know, Collective Soul
42. No Diggity, BLACKstreet (Featuring Dr. Dre)
43. Anything, 3t
44. 1979, The Smashing Pumpkins
45. Diggin' On You, TLC
46. Why I Love You So Much/Ain't Nobody, Monica
47. Kissin' You, Total
48. Count On Me, Whitney Houston and Cece Winans
49. Fantasy, Mariah Carey
50. Time, Hootie and The Blowfish
51. You'll See, Madonna
52. Last Night, Az Yet
53. Mouth, Merril Bainbridge
54. The Earth, The Sun, The Rain, Color Me Badd
55. All The Things (Your Man Won't Do), Joe
56. Wonderwall, Oasis
57. Woo-hah!! Got You All In Check/Everything Remains Raw, Busta Rhymes
58. Tell Me, Groove Theory
59. Elevators (Me and You), Outkast
60. Hook, Blues Traveler
61. Doin It, LL Cool J
62. Fastlove, George Michael
63. Touch Me Tease Me, Case Featuring Foxxy Brown
64. Tonite's Tha Night, Kris Kross
65. Children, Robert Miles
66. Theme From Mission: Impossible, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen
67. Closer To Free, Bodeans
68. Just A Girl, No Doubt
69. If Your Girl Only Knew, Aaliyah
70. Lady, D'angelo
71. Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First), John Mellencamp
72. Pony, Ginuwine
73. Nobody, Keith Sweat
74. Old Man and Me (When I Get To Heaven), Hootie and The Blowfish
75. If It Makes You Happy, Sheryl Crow
76. As I Lay Me Down, Sophie B. Hawkins
77. Keep On, Keepin' On, Mc Lyte
78. Jealousy, Natalie Merchant
79. I Want To Come Over, Melissa Etheridge
80. Who Do U Love, Deborah Cox
81. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
82. This Is Your Night, Amber
83. You Remind Me Of Something, R. Kelly
84. Runaway, Janet Jackson
85. Set U Free, Planet Soul
86. Hit Me Off, New Edition
87. No One Else, Total
88. My Boo, Ghost Town Dj's
89. Get Money, Junior M.A.F.I.A.
90. That Girl, Maxi Priest Featuring Shaggy
91. Po Pimp, Do Or Die
92. Until It Sleeps, Metallica
93. Hay, Crucial Conflict
94. Beautiful Life, Ace Of Base
95. Back For Good, Take That
96. I Got Id/Long Road, Pearl Jam
97. Soon As I Get Home, Faith Evans
98. Macarena, Los Del Rio
99. Only Wanna Be With You, Hootie and The Blowfish
100. Don't Cry, Seal

I'm honestly surprised that I plain old don't remember some of these. BUT, I am disappointed that more of the Alanis Morissette "Jagged Little Pill" cd wasn't on the list. That was the THEME SONG for my senior year! (Couldn't have anything to do with a couple of rough break-ups with my high school sweetheart, could it?)

Recipes Worth Sharing: Taco Soup

I found this one online a while back, and after making it a couple of times, I think I've played with it enough to share the original version, as well as my selections. The nice thing is that it's SUPER easy, and it MAKES A TON OF SOUP (I just about filled my 8 qt stock pot), and IT'S CHEAP!

Ingredients:

• 6 cans of any bean (I used 2 cans each Great Northern Beans, Kidney Beans, and Black Beans. I may play around with white & red, but I will definitely always use black beans)
• 2 cans of any tomato (I used the Aldi version of Rotel, which is diced tomatoes with diced chilles)
• 4 cans of any vegetable (I used corn, peas, green beans, and mixed veggies. The only thing I'm tied to in the mix is the corn, and in fact, I will probably use 2 cans of it in the future.)
• 2 packets of powdered Hidden Valley Ranch dressing (I used store brand)
• 2 packets of taco seasoning (again, store brand)

Directions:

1. Open all 12 cans
2. Dump in a pot (you could strain & drain & rinse any part of this except the tomatoes, but you'd have to add back liquid... and I would worry about not having the thickener that you get from using the liquid the beans are canned in)
3. Add seasoning packets
4. Stir well
5. Simmer, stirring occasionally, until you can't stand to wait anymore.

Optional:

• I served it with shredded cheese (mild cheddar) and corn chips (I like a little crunch in my soup) but there are a million other ways you could garnish (any kind of cheese you want, crackers, doritos, sour cream, jalapenos, etc etc etc).

Grumps & I have had this for either lunch or dinner 3 times so far, and we've only eaten half the pot.

I spent less than $12 on ingredients for this GIANT batch of soup. We will easily get 6 meals for 2 out of this, so $1 per (very generous) serving doesn't seem too bad to me at all. This is definitely a soup that I will make several times throughout the autumn and winter.

Wits End

I have about seventy bajillion things on my to-do list right now. Some are incredibly time-sensitive (pack office before Friday's move), some are big picture important with slightly more flexible deadlines (decide if Dad moving in is an option that Grumps and I are willing to offer up) and some really don't even belong on the list right now (clean out closets {yeah, 'cause THAT is high on the priority list}).

I'm tired of whining about the way my world is right now. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything to change it... at least not in any significant way. I'm tired of losing relationships - and letting go of others - because I just don't have the energy. I'm tired of kraptastic and unnecessary drama, and have zero tolerance for those people that I feel create it for themselves (yes, I realize how scathingly judgmental that makes me). I'm tired of the guilt I feel about not making more time for Dad, or that I'm making the wrong decisions on his behalf.

I miss my quiet world, my quiet head. I miss lazy Saturdays spent in bed with Grumps, the furkids on the floor next to us, doing nothing but watching a movie and harassing each other. I miss spontaneous dinners out, because I didn't feel like cooking and we had the disposable income that allowed me to not feel too guilty about spending a little money. I miss the excitement of a new netflix movie, or the relaxation of a quiet camping weekend.

I'm afraid that Dad is making the wrong decisions for himself, and that he won't let his 3 daughters make the decisions we all agree are the right ones. I'm afraid that as the Lupron makes it's way out of my system, all it will leave behind is the same old infertile me. I'm afraid that the damage that's been done to some of my relationships over the last 3 months will prove to be irreparable. I'm afraid that I've fallen so far into this place - this hurt, scared, little girl hiding in the corner version of myself - that I may never find my way back.

Bad bad BAD HORRIBLE blogger

Many apologies for the blog silence....

I'm ok, Dad's the same, mother-in-law's surgery went well, work is nuts, and I have TOO MUCH GOING ON!

I am still reading you all, and commenting when I have something to offer.

Hope to return (with a real post) next week!


Nice 250th post, huh?

The Omnivore's Hundred

Here’s what you do:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.



The Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Hey! I only refused 6 things! I'm pretty pruod of that!

I hope we're not going

here again.

Grump's Mom is in this morning to have her 2nd knee replacement. The first replacement spawned the post linked above, as well as this and this. (And probably others, but those were the ones I could find quickly.)

We're all praying that this surgery goes much, MUCH more smoothly than the last one. If you have a moment to send out a prayer or good thought on her behalf, it'd be lovely!

How do I know if it's time to talk to my Doc

about depression?

I've been thinking about it off & on for years, but pretty consistently over the last few months.

I have a family history on both Mom & Dad's sides, and have all the textbook symptoms (short of suicidal thoughts).

Part of me thinks it's time to suck it up and try to get some medicinal help. But the other part of me - the outrageously stubborn part - insists that I have a LOT going on right now, and not much of it is bright & cheery & sunny & happy. If there was ever a time in my life that situational depression would be justified... well, right now seems to top the list.

BUT - I've been like this consistently for 3 months now. I *usually* make it to work (late), and fake my way through most of my day. I go home exhausted, sleep for a few hours, eat something, veg in front of the tv (or laptop), and go back to bed. Repeat daily Mon - Thur (with a Dad visit thrown in the mix 1 or 2 times). The weekends are about the same, obviously missing work - but throwing in much more sleep.

I don't call friends, I don't see people, I don't engage, I don't clean my house, I only do laundry when it NEEDS to be done (and then only 1 load, just to get us through). I go grocery shopping, but end up throwing a significant portion of the fresh food out, either because I don't cook, or I don't get it in the freezer before it spoils. My garden has been taken over by weeds and tomatoes that are rotting on the vine.

So tell me - Do I need to suck it up? Or is it time to get some medicinal help?

Puppy Crisis Averted

at least for now. I still want one - really really want one - but I have myself talked out of it for the time being.

Just a quick update style post:

• I get my LAST Lupron injection today! WOO-FREAKIN-HOO!!!! And thank the Lord, because our new insurance wasn't going to cover it the same way (if at all). The amazing staff at Dr. N's office happened upon a sample from a drug rep, and its MINE ALL MINE! 4 weeks from today, I will be OFF THE MED! (I think... I suppose I'll have to wait & see how it all works its way out of my system.) November will usher in some good ol' fashion TTC in our house (possibly accompanied by either BBT charting or OPKs, but nothing more involved than that).
• Grumps has had bunches of side work come in, so we're doing remarkably well financially. Not high on the hog by any stretch of the imagination - but things are flowing in a way that has allowed us to leave our savings in tact, and to even continue making some progress on the BIG UGLY DEBT.
• Dad is still in rehab. He asked Sis1 yesterday to take him to his apartment, and then got mad when she wouldn't. She & I discussed the possibility of taking him there for a while this weekend, but the more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with it. There are a whole lot of unknowns in a situation like that, and they all scare the holy bejeebus outta me.

And, to close with my Perfect Moment of last week:

Grumps had a former co-worker stop by Sunday morning (to pick up the car repair FROM HELL). Because of this, we were delayed for our normal Sunday breakfast date with friends, so I brewed a pot of coffee. I poured Grumps a travel mug full & took it out for him (like I do quite often), but this morning, his eyes LIT UP, and he said "Thank You SO MUCH Honey! I love you!".

Made me all warm & fuzzy!

Someone please stop me

from getting a puppy! PLEASE!

We've been back & forth & back & forth about a bajillion freakin times about getting one (over the course of the last 4 years or so). Now would be a good time because the Grumps is home, and can do training. And really, we could both use a little extra wiggly cuteness & unconditional love in our world.

BUT, more responsibility? Another (albeit inexpensive) mouth to feed? Do I want to destroy the angry cat's ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE? What about if Dad comes to live with us? (Well, Dad's an animal lover, so I guess that's not really an issue....)

I'm thanking the internet gods that our local no-kill shelter doesn't have a website. They're INCREDIBLY affordable on the adoption fees (seriously, like $50 for a puppy... and you get a $20 credit when you get them spayed/neutered), so I KNOW that if I went looking at pictures, or - heaven forbid - made the drive out there I'd be coming home with a cute little bundle of fur.

So tell me again, why shouldn't I do this?