too many decisions

I had a meeting at the hospital yesterday, with Dad's social worker, K, and the Palliative Care Coordinator, J.

Dad is still very, very sick. His lungs will be an ongoing problem because of the COPD. His heart, although functioning normally now, will also need to be closely monitored because of his irregular heart beat and congestive heart failure. Because of the blood clot in his arm, he will always need to be on closely monitored blood thinners. His liver abcesses have healed, but will always hold the potential for disaster. His kidneys and urinary tract are always in danger of failing and infection, as his prostate is enlarged to the point of needing surgical intervention. He is far too sick to handle surgery, so the only option is to keep him on a catheter. His feeding tube will keep him hydrated and meet his most basic nutritional needs, but it will not provide him with the additional energy needed to build up his strength.

He still wants to go home. He told us yesterday that he's going to be in the hospital for a few days, then go to rehab for a few days, and then he'll be able to go home.

His reality is that he'll never again go home. He will likely leave the hospital to go to rehab. But, he won't be able to keep up with the pace of rehab, and will be forced to a) leave the facility, or b) private pay (not an option). He will then have the choice of "going home" where he will need to private pay for 24 hour care, or going to a medicaid available nursing home. The only other option, which Grumps & I are discussing (but have not yet mentioned to Dad), is for him to come home with us. In this situation, someone could be with him round the clock, and he'd have the funds to pay for some specialized care (light physical therapy, specialized nursing care, nursing assistant to help with bathing, etc). Any of the above options would allow us to call in hospice, when the time is right.

My heart wants to go for the last option. I want to bring him home, and let him sit in his recliner and smoke his cigarettes and drink his coffee and watch a college football game. My head is TERRIFIED of doing this. Can I handle bringing my Dad home to die? Can Grumps & I handle the stress that this set of circumstances would undoubtedly put on us as individuals, and on our marriage? I would still need to work, so is it fair and right for me to ask Grumps to do SO MUCH of the care-taking during the day?

I honestly don't know what to do. There are so many options, choices, decisions to be made. And I'm simply incapable. I feel as though whatever path I choose will be the wrong one - either for Dad, or for Grumps & I.