Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Too much

I don't know what else to say - it's simply too much.

This time of year is normally hard on me, as I work harder in these 3.5 months than I do in the other 8.5 months of the year... combined. It's the nature of the beast tho, and by sacrificing my sanity during the often brutal (and always unpleasant) months of Michigan winter, I get to rejoice in much reduced work hours during the off season, including having every other Friday off.

Add to that the insanity that is convention season. That committee I talked about here is planning a weekend long convention for approximately 300 attendees. We have scheduled events for Friday evening, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning. My role on the committee is primarily to handle the registration data entry for all attendees. It's not difficult, but it takes TIME. I figure I spend 3-4 hours per week for about 8 weeks. Again, not difficult, but time consuming. During a time of year when my "down time" is already significantly reduced.

Now, I should say that I'm used to those 2 things falling on my calendar during the same months. That's the way it is for me, and has been for the last few years. I can deal with that. Even though I don't enjoy it, I've learned to tolerate it, and can still manage to keep the rest of my life mostly in tact.

What qualifies as too much - what is driving me to a mental place that I haven't been to in a long time, and one that I'm not too keen on revisiting - is all the other crap that I have going on:

  • My mother-in-law is still undergoing chemo. Tomorrow's treatment is tentatively scheduled as her last, but we have no idea what comes next. Her spleen still needs to be removed, she still has some recovery to do from her knee replacement in December, and she is still a very sick woman.

  • My surgery and recovery, though not currently an immediate concern, has me freaked right the fuck out. What if the March 10 appointment doesn't go well, and they have to do the surgery sooner? What if waiting until April causes more harm than we thought it would? What if I have to go through another 6 weeks of recovery, locked in my house putting semi-permanent ass prints in my couch? How will the post surgical Lupron treatment go? What if the endo is more involved this time around, and I lose some parts that I really kinda need? How much is this whole thing going to effect my fertility (or, lack-thereof, as the case may be)?

  • Thanks to the asshat that stole my debit card #, our finances are even further out of whack. (Sidenote, what is "in whack"? Can anyone answer that for me?) In my attempts to work us out of some unplanned financial ugliness, I managed to cut things shorter than normal for the last few months. It's been ok, and it will be ok, but that bastard just ratcheted up the stress level another few notches for me.

  • I have absolutely no energy left during the week, and I try to spend my weekends enjoying some time with Grumpy. This means, of course, that my house is an absolute, God-forsaken, disaster. "Cleaning" has been limited to vacuuming about 20% as often as I need to, and throwing a load of laundry in the wash when I get the "I'm on my last pair of underwear" text message. I've never been what you'd consider a "clean freak", but it's been a long LONG time since my house has been in a condition that I'm embarrassed about... and it's there now.

  • And the latest and greatest on my pile... I spent over an hour on the phone last night with my cousin. She's a freshman in college, and away from home for the first time. Except, she's no longer away from home. Right about now, she & her parents should be pulling into their lovely little suburban home, after G (the cousin) has lost all ability to cope with daily life. She's facing some health concerns (both physical and mental), and literally cannot handle the daily expectations of college life, dorm life, meeting her own most basic needs. She feels broken, and doesn't know how to fix herself. My heart breaks for her, and I want so badly to help, but I have no idea what I can do for her.

Can I PLEASE take a nap? And could that nap PLEASE last until... oh... April 15?


Lori said...

Beth, it sounds like a LOT. I hope you are able to find ways to be good to yourself, too.

I have nothing to offer you for the really important stuff, but I do registrations for an educational organization. If you want info about the online program we use (I KNOW what you're going through!), email me. The addy is in my profile.

Wishing you calmer times soon. Now?

nancy said...

I know this sounds silly, but just take it one thing at a time. Don't worry about things that are building up. If you need to just crash on the couch after work - do it. The dishes will still be there tomorrow - you don't NEED to get it all done. Try to take care of yourself first.

Kaci said...

You know I'm a fixer...but the only thing I can even offer a "solution" about is the convention. I KNOW you, and I know you wouldn't want to, but BACK OUT! Let someone else take over! Seriously, that 3-4 hours/week will help you and you HAVE to put yourself first!

I wish I could help with the other stuff and I know if there's anything I can do, you will let me know. Cleaning isn't my've seen my house at what wasn't its worst, but if you need me to help I'm willing!

Prayers for your MIL, you, Grumpy, & your surgery will continue. I'll add your cousin to the list - I know how much you care about her. (((hugs)))

BethH6703 said...

Thanks ladies, for all the support.

Lori, the committee chair has written his own (crappy and out-dated) database, so I'm stuck with that. Thanks tho, for the offer.

Nancy, I try to do that, I really do. Unfortunately, MOST of it is out of my hands. What is in my control is the house. Sometimes I do just say "fuck it" and leave it for a night (or 12... who am I kidding?) but that's when I end up feeling the worst. Sure, it's there for me tomorrow, but I still have to deal with it. I want my home to be my sanctuary, and that's hard when the carpet has more hair on it than the dog and cat combined, or when the dinner dishes from Tuesday are still sitting in the sink on Friday. It's wonderful advice, one of my favorites, but at some point, *I* have to suck it up & get it done.

Kaci, I very strongly think that this will be my last convention on the committee, possibly even my last as a member of the organization. I get no joy from it anymore, so why bother? Just have to get beyond the guilt....

Meredith said...

Just wanted to send some hugs Beth. I wish there was someway I could help out from here.And I agree with Kaci. I know you have the guilt of not being a member of the group, but I think you should bow out now. You need to take care of you before anything else. As usual you are still and always are in my prayers!