Monday, April 14, 2008

the un-eloquent post

I'm wishing right now that I had the ability to write - to eloquently express the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Sadly (for me), I don't. I've never been a great writer - too left brained & logical for it - or at least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

See, if I were eloquent, or concise even, I'd be able to express just how scared I am today. Panic stricken, nervous, completely unable to think about anything other than that I am having major surgery on Friday.

I don't want it. Don't want to do this again. Don't want to go thru the 2 night hospital stay, the painful recovery, the inability to do just about anything for 2 weeks, followed by another 4 weeks of very limited activity. I don't want to get my hopes up that THIS WILL FIX ME, because, well - I've been down this road before. And it didn't lead me to baby. In fact, it led me right back here, to another fucking surgery.

Definitely not finding my happy place today. Have you seen it? Can you draw me a map?


Tigger said...

I wish I had a way to show you where the happy place is, to take away some of the scariness for you. Major surgery bites ass...and the not knowing does too. **Hugs** for you as you go through all this.

Oh! oh! I know! I know! Just think of the wonderful drugs they'll give you for the surgery and the pain! Happyland, here comes beth!

nancy said...

I'm sorry. All I can say is hope for the best. I've been through 4 uterine surgeries and never have had an experience like the one you've described.

I know you are a realist, but sometimes, it's better to focus on the positives. It could very well be super easy.

BethH6703 said...

Thanks Girls... I'll be alright, just in a shitty place right now.

Nancy, this is not a uterine surgery. My endo presents in the pelvic/abdominal cavity. Knock on wood, it hasn't YET effected any other organs (besides my ovaries), but because of the size of the endo cysts I grow (the last one was pop-can sized, this one is at least that big), and their placement (last was behind my ute, this one is on, near, or around my right ovary), the only way to really get at them, and really know what else is involved, is to go in abdominally.

Because the 1st surgery was a full "open abdomen" procedure (I have a lovely 4-5 inch horizontal scar), doc is pretty sure this one will have to be the same.

I could quite possibly lose a tube & ovary in all of this. Realist? Abso-fucking-lutely. Hopeful? Not so much right now.

Kaci said...

I wish I had the ability to write eloquent words too, then maybe I could use that ability to offer some comforting, reassuring words. I know you're not crazy about them, but (((hugs))) is all I got today. They'll have to do :)

nancy said...

oh i know. Two of my surgeries was done through the belly (laproscopically) and they were able to make it all around all my organs, removing the tissues and endo. When I had some large cysts removed, they were able to cut them up inside and remove them through the little laproscopic hole. I'm hoping that'll be the same for you and you won't have to be opened up again.