Friday, April 11, 2008

getting scared

Tax season is winding down - thank GOD - and other than the last minute bullshit we always have to deal with, and filing extensions on Tuesday morning, my work is pretty well taken care of. I've trained the 2 other employees that will be job-sharing my responsibilities while I'm on leave. Now I just have to sit here for a few more days, get some billing done, and handle those last minute things.

As thankful as I am that the work insanity is ending for yet another year, I'm realizing just how much of a distraction it has been for me. And just how much I have needed that distraction. Now, I don't have much to cloud my thoughts and occupy my mental energy. I'm left with the reality that in 1 week, I'll be having surgery.

Best case scenario (as unrealistic as it is) has me coming out with all of my parts after a relatively simple laparoscopic procedure, and only needing a few days to recover (but I'm still taking all of the following week). The worst case scenario has me coming out of the same procedure, but with a follow up meeting with the doctor to discuss a possible hysterectomy (partial or radical).

Now, I'm a somewhat intelligent person (or at least I think so. I hope you can look past my typonese and agree.), and I think I'm pretty realistic in my outlook here. I KNOW that my personal situation will fall between the 2 extremes. What scares me is not knowing where between. I'm confident I'll need the laparotomy, and will have 4-6 weeks of recovery (at least the first 2 of which will be pretty damn uncomfortable). I might lose a tube & ovary. I might have to lose more than that (altho not in this procedure). This might fix my problem & I might get pregnant in a few months. It might not, and we still may need to look for some intensely creative ways to fund more invasive treatments - or adoption.

There are far too many questions floating around in my head. All I really want is quiet.