*waving*

I'm here! I'm ok!

Surgery went well. Dr. N did the best he could robotically. Was released from the hospital on Saturday, and have been home since. Just trying to take things as easy as I can.

From what I understand (although I'm still a bit foggy on the details), Doc was able to clean up righty and get rid of BIG GIANT CYST. Lefty, though, is in pretty rough shape. "Plastered" in place with the endo. The only thing he could have done with lefty was to remove it, and that would have required cutting into my uterus (apparently the endo has attached them?), so he just left it alone. I'm pretty sure he said my tubes looked ok, but that he'll want to do an HSG sometime soon to chem 'em out.

I go in this Friday to have my stitches removed, and Doc wants to see me 2 - 3 weeks after that.

Thanks much for all the well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts!

adding to the humiliation

I just got the confirmation call from the hospital. I'm scheduled for a 1:30pm surgery, and have to arrive at 11am for all the intake stuff.

The humiliating part? A pregnancy test is standard procedure. Which of course requires FMU. Which means that I get to PIAC on Friday morning, and then store said pee in something clean, dry, and SEALED, so that I can TRANSPORT IT to the hospital with me.

I chuckled (jealously) at the idea of IF'ers that carried around positive pee sticks... now I have to carry a damn jug o' pee.

the un-eloquent post

I'm wishing right now that I had the ability to write - to eloquently express the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Sadly (for me), I don't. I've never been a great writer - too left brained & logical for it - or at least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

See, if I were eloquent, or concise even, I'd be able to express just how scared I am today. Panic stricken, nervous, completely unable to think about anything other than that I am having major surgery on Friday.

I don't want it. Don't want to do this again. Don't want to go thru the 2 night hospital stay, the painful recovery, the inability to do just about anything for 2 weeks, followed by another 4 weeks of very limited activity. I don't want to get my hopes up that THIS WILL FIX ME, because, well - I've been down this road before. And it didn't lead me to baby. In fact, it led me right back here, to another fucking surgery.

Definitely not finding my happy place today. Have you seen it? Can you draw me a map?

getting scared

Tax season is winding down - thank GOD - and other than the last minute bullshit we always have to deal with, and filing extensions on Tuesday morning, my work is pretty well taken care of. I've trained the 2 other employees that will be job-sharing my responsibilities while I'm on leave. Now I just have to sit here for a few more days, get some billing done, and handle those last minute things.

As thankful as I am that the work insanity is ending for yet another year, I'm realizing just how much of a distraction it has been for me. And just how much I have needed that distraction. Now, I don't have much to cloud my thoughts and occupy my mental energy. I'm left with the reality that in 1 week, I'll be having surgery.

Best case scenario (as unrealistic as it is) has me coming out with all of my parts after a relatively simple laparoscopic procedure, and only needing a few days to recover (but I'm still taking all of the following week). The worst case scenario has me coming out of the same procedure, but with a follow up meeting with the doctor to discuss a possible hysterectomy (partial or radical).

Now, I'm a somewhat intelligent person (or at least I think so. I hope you can look past my typonese and agree.), and I think I'm pretty realistic in my outlook here. I KNOW that my personal situation will fall between the 2 extremes. What scares me is not knowing where between. I'm confident I'll need the laparotomy, and will have 4-6 weeks of recovery (at least the first 2 of which will be pretty damn uncomfortable). I might lose a tube & ovary. I might have to lose more than that (altho not in this procedure). This might fix my problem & I might get pregnant in a few months. It might not, and we still may need to look for some intensely creative ways to fund more invasive treatments - or adoption.

There are far too many questions floating around in my head. All I really want is quiet.

dusting off the cobwebs

just a quick check in post to let you all know that I'm still here, still alive, and still reading all of your blogs!

it's still tax season - I'm still having surgery (in 16 days!) - I have started to have a little discomfort from the cyst, but wouldn't consider it "pain" - still doing my best to prep the house, the job, the freezer, the pantry, the checkbook, and the Grumpster for me to be out of commission for a few weeks - and still trying to wedge in a little bit of time each day to just BREATHE. Sadly, that is going to get exceedingly more difficult over the next 13 days....