How do I know if it's time to talk to my Doc

about depression?

I've been thinking about it off & on for years, but pretty consistently over the last few months.

I have a family history on both Mom & Dad's sides, and have all the textbook symptoms (short of suicidal thoughts).

Part of me thinks it's time to suck it up and try to get some medicinal help. But the other part of me - the outrageously stubborn part - insists that I have a LOT going on right now, and not much of it is bright & cheery & sunny & happy. If there was ever a time in my life that situational depression would be justified... well, right now seems to top the list.

BUT - I've been like this consistently for 3 months now. I *usually* make it to work (late), and fake my way through most of my day. I go home exhausted, sleep for a few hours, eat something, veg in front of the tv (or laptop), and go back to bed. Repeat daily Mon - Thur (with a Dad visit thrown in the mix 1 or 2 times). The weekends are about the same, obviously missing work - but throwing in much more sleep.

I don't call friends, I don't see people, I don't engage, I don't clean my house, I only do laundry when it NEEDS to be done (and then only 1 load, just to get us through). I go grocery shopping, but end up throwing a significant portion of the fresh food out, either because I don't cook, or I don't get it in the freezer before it spoils. My garden has been taken over by weeds and tomatoes that are rotting on the vine.

So tell me - Do I need to suck it up? Or is it time to get some medicinal help?

Puppy Crisis Averted

at least for now. I still want one - really really want one - but I have myself talked out of it for the time being.

Just a quick update style post:

• I get my LAST Lupron injection today! WOO-FREAKIN-HOO!!!! And thank the Lord, because our new insurance wasn't going to cover it the same way (if at all). The amazing staff at Dr. N's office happened upon a sample from a drug rep, and its MINE ALL MINE! 4 weeks from today, I will be OFF THE MED! (I think... I suppose I'll have to wait & see how it all works its way out of my system.) November will usher in some good ol' fashion TTC in our house (possibly accompanied by either BBT charting or OPKs, but nothing more involved than that).
• Grumps has had bunches of side work come in, so we're doing remarkably well financially. Not high on the hog by any stretch of the imagination - but things are flowing in a way that has allowed us to leave our savings in tact, and to even continue making some progress on the BIG UGLY DEBT.
• Dad is still in rehab. He asked Sis1 yesterday to take him to his apartment, and then got mad when she wouldn't. She & I discussed the possibility of taking him there for a while this weekend, but the more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with it. There are a whole lot of unknowns in a situation like that, and they all scare the holy bejeebus outta me.

And, to close with my Perfect Moment of last week:

Grumps had a former co-worker stop by Sunday morning (to pick up the car repair FROM HELL). Because of this, we were delayed for our normal Sunday breakfast date with friends, so I brewed a pot of coffee. I poured Grumps a travel mug full & took it out for him (like I do quite often), but this morning, his eyes LIT UP, and he said "Thank You SO MUCH Honey! I love you!".

Made me all warm & fuzzy!

Someone please stop me

from getting a puppy! PLEASE!

We've been back & forth & back & forth about a bajillion freakin times about getting one (over the course of the last 4 years or so). Now would be a good time because the Grumps is home, and can do training. And really, we could both use a little extra wiggly cuteness & unconditional love in our world.

BUT, more responsibility? Another (albeit inexpensive) mouth to feed? Do I want to destroy the angry cat's ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE? What about if Dad comes to live with us? (Well, Dad's an animal lover, so I guess that's not really an issue....)

I'm thanking the internet gods that our local no-kill shelter doesn't have a website. They're INCREDIBLY affordable on the adoption fees (seriously, like $50 for a puppy... and you get a $20 credit when you get them spayed/neutered), so I KNOW that if I went looking at pictures, or - heaven forbid - made the drive out there I'd be coming home with a cute little bundle of fur.

So tell me again, why shouldn't I do this?

too many decisions

I had a meeting at the hospital yesterday, with Dad's social worker, K, and the Palliative Care Coordinator, J.

Dad is still very, very sick. His lungs will be an ongoing problem because of the COPD. His heart, although functioning normally now, will also need to be closely monitored because of his irregular heart beat and congestive heart failure. Because of the blood clot in his arm, he will always need to be on closely monitored blood thinners. His liver abcesses have healed, but will always hold the potential for disaster. His kidneys and urinary tract are always in danger of failing and infection, as his prostate is enlarged to the point of needing surgical intervention. He is far too sick to handle surgery, so the only option is to keep him on a catheter. His feeding tube will keep him hydrated and meet his most basic nutritional needs, but it will not provide him with the additional energy needed to build up his strength.

He still wants to go home. He told us yesterday that he's going to be in the hospital for a few days, then go to rehab for a few days, and then he'll be able to go home.

His reality is that he'll never again go home. He will likely leave the hospital to go to rehab. But, he won't be able to keep up with the pace of rehab, and will be forced to a) leave the facility, or b) private pay (not an option). He will then have the choice of "going home" where he will need to private pay for 24 hour care, or going to a medicaid available nursing home. The only other option, which Grumps & I are discussing (but have not yet mentioned to Dad), is for him to come home with us. In this situation, someone could be with him round the clock, and he'd have the funds to pay for some specialized care (light physical therapy, specialized nursing care, nursing assistant to help with bathing, etc). Any of the above options would allow us to call in hospice, when the time is right.

My heart wants to go for the last option. I want to bring him home, and let him sit in his recliner and smoke his cigarettes and drink his coffee and watch a college football game. My head is TERRIFIED of doing this. Can I handle bringing my Dad home to die? Can Grumps & I handle the stress that this set of circumstances would undoubtedly put on us as individuals, and on our marriage? I would still need to work, so is it fair and right for me to ask Grumps to do SO MUCH of the care-taking during the day?

I honestly don't know what to do. There are so many options, choices, decisions to be made. And I'm simply incapable. I feel as though whatever path I choose will be the wrong one - either for Dad, or for Grumps & I.

Still Alive!

Sorry for the blog silence... it's been a crazy couple of weeks.

I'm still fighting whatever this viral funk is, but I am definitely feeling better. I worked a full day yesterday for the first time since last Monday! Needless to say, I'm SWAMPED!

The office move is progressing nicely! We set a new record (especially for our-indecisive-selves) and had out carpet, paint, and Formica picked out in a day. The telecom folks were at the new place yesterday getting us all wired in, the landlord was there ripping out the old carpet, and the painter was there getting set up. This time next week, the new suite will be painted, and carpet should have arrived (but probably won't yet be installed). We're all getting pretty excited about the change!

Dad is still in the hospital. I haven't seen him since our trip to the ER with him on Monday (don't want to expose him to whatever this funk is that I'm fighting), but I have a call into his doctor to get the latest info.

AND - prepare yourselves - but I actually have GOOD NEWS!

Grumps found out yesterday that he was accepted into the tuition assistance program! There's still a whole mess of legwork to be done, but he should be starting at the local community college in January! He's SO excited! And it warms my heart SO MUCH to see it!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, and as a total aside, I've made little bits of progress on my 101 in 1,001. You can check it out here, if you're interested.