Monday, February 8, 2010

Cranky McCranky-Pants

First off, all things pregnancy related are still moving along swimmingly. I had a doctor appointment this morning, and Lil H and I are right on track in all measurable categories. I'm being kicked in all kinds of fun places as a regular occurrence, and sometimes I swear the lil sucker is trying to break out through my cervix. It's very strange - very strange indeed!

Now, if you're not interested in reading the ranting lunacy of a grieving, hormonal, bitchy pregnant person, I suggest you just click-click your sweet little self away from this here blog right about now.


K?


Still here?


You're sure you want to do that?


Well, ok then...


But don't say you weren't warned!


As I've discussed many, many, many MANY times here before (seriously, check out the "Prayer Request" label), Grumpy's mom is ill.

She's recently gotten worse.

Much, MUCH worse.

As in, "no other treatment options" and "hospice services" worse. Fortunately, she's home, where she is undoubtedly more comfortable than if she were stuck in the hospital or other facility. Which, in itself, is a blessing. One daughter was in town to see her this past weekend, the other daughter will be in within a couple of weeks. The family is preparing to say good-bye, and left with nothing to do but wait for the end.

And that SUCKS!

If you've never been through it before, let me say that in my opinion, having lived through both types of losses, I would much rather lose a family member suddenly than have to watch them fight and fight and fight, only to lose their battle and waste away to nothing. That's not to suggest that either situation is EASY - not by any stretch of the imagination. But watching someone's will to live be sucked out of their broken but not quite beaten body... It's a torture that I wouldn't wish on anyone, patient or caregivers.

In the midst of all the waiting, we're of course dealing with the personality conflicts that arise during such stressful times. Control-freaks that have no control over the situation their loved one is facing now find themselves grasping for control over whatever situation they are presented with - whether it's appropriate for them to control or not. Battered egos and too-long-held grudges are rearing their ugly heads. Decisions are made and re-made, depending on who feels the need to express their opinions, and whose opinions are deemed worthy of being considered. The family circles the wagons, while managing to throw stones at each other.

Everyone is overwhelmed and nobody has any opportunity to escape, or decompress, even for the tiniest of moments. Because we all know what reality is waiting for us at the end of that teeny, tiny escape... And reality is not any kind of fun right now.

I've never been much of an escapist... I've wished for things to be different, and have made lots and LOTS of plans to get them to change. Hell, I've even followed through on some of those plans. But right now all I want to do is take Grumps and our furkids someplace far, far away where there is no cell service, no wi-fi, no illness or decisions or commitments, where we can just BE for a little while. Quiet - silly - introspective - but most of all, alone. I'm craving quiet, and wanting very badly to circle our own little wagons. I suppose that could be an extension of the nesting instinct - wanting to protect our little family from the cruelties of the outside world. But, this isn't the outside world, and I don't have any choice but to broaden my shoulders, and carry whatever part of this familial load that I am able to carry...

5 Comments:

Celia said...

Hey,

My Mom was on hospice for months. She actually rallied and her end stage live failure has been in a holding pattern for over two years.

But hospice has a lot of things that can help you as a family. They have seen and heard it all. The pastoral council and the social worker are also for you. They walked me off the edge many times.

You may also find hospice's website to be a comfort.

Furthermore, if you ( or someone else) is worn ragged with updating everyone there is a website called Caring Bridge that you can post on and people can look there. Which is better than calling ten relatives everytime something happens.

Also, please keep yourself out of it as much as possible. The huge amount of stress is very bad for you and baby.

I know only too well the craziness and mountain of chores and phone calls and errands and just plain logistical problems that come with what you are dealing with. I was drowning just under the laundry and housekeeping.

Flicka said...

Oh Beth, I'm so sorry. It's defintitely not easy...I went through this with mygrandmother and even though the process was quicker that it has been with Grumps' mom, I remember the agony of it. And the way my grandfather battered everyone in sight with his ego. Keep hanging on. I'm here with you.

xoxo
Flicka

Bea said...

So difficult for everyone. I hope your shoulders stay broad enough to make it through.

Bea

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shahanshack said...

I happened upon your blog by accident but this post cought my eye. I was the care giver for my Father in law who fought brain cancer for 5 months. It was so hard! we moved our family to take care of him and had to take care of my husbands grandmother too since his father had been doing so before his illness. After Dad's death Mom-mom (my husbands Grandmother) was very depressed and was not very kind to those around her. It is amazing what we can live through. There were many times that I felt that God had far more faith in me than I had in myself or else he would not have allowed so much stress to be put on me...haha. The truth is we are not given more than we can handle. and now, 5 years later my life is full of stress having given birth to a little girl and then 11 months later giving birth to twins...I think that our life is a training ground. We are constantly getting on the job training for things to come. You and your famly are stronger making it through each trial you are handed.