And the first shot...

was no big deal. Nurse was great, barely felt the needle, and - to borrow Nancy's terminology, my hips/ass must be "like butter", because it went in really smoothly. I'm a little sore now, and the hot flashes have already begun. The only other noticeable s/e is that I feel like I have medicine head... general fogginess. Not sure if that effect is intensified because I am so close to surgery or not (and let's face it, it's a possibility - I was under for 3.5 hours... I'm sure it takes a bit longer than 31 days to get all of that anesthesia out of my system!).

I go back in for shot #2 (which will be in my left hip, since this one went into the right hip) on June 16 (and every 4 weeks thereafter, for either 4 or 6 shots, total), and I should get the Rx for the estrogen add back therapy. Next appointment with the doc is on July 8. I need to remember to talk to him about how to determine whether it's 4 or 6 months of Lupron treatment, how long once I'm off the med before we can start ttc again, and whether we're going to go "au naturale" for a while, or if we can jump right into Clomid (I think I might prefer that, just to be safe).


And to answer Nancy's question from my last post, I'm on a full birth control strength of Lupron (I think it's 3.75 mg every 4 weeks). I know that's a larger dose then given for IVF protocol, so I'm guessing that's why it's given IM vs SQ.


Holy crap, look at all that med talk, and abbreviation crap! I'm starting to feel like a real IFer now, instead of some groupie just tagging along for the ride. That really shouldn't excite me as much as it does...

Yay for 30 Days!

My first post-surgery cycle was a NORMAL length - 30 days! Sooooo freaking fantabulasticly exciting! (Sad, I know... but I gotta take it where I can get it!)

Have a call in to the Dr to get in for my first Lupron injection. Has to be today or tomorrow. Have the shot with me, and let me just say that freakin' IM needle scares the bejeezus outta me!

Will def update with details on the injection, and any s/e that I have. I want to have a record of that stuff.

Is this what endo feels like?

I guess I've had endo for a long time now - at least 4 years. I was on the pill for 7 years before that, and never had regular cycles before the pill, so I don't really know how long I've had the endo. Fortunately, I've been incredibly blessed in that I don't experience the soul crushing pain that many endo patients report. Sure, I've had some extra rough crampy periods, but only once or twice can I remember staying home from work because of the pain.

Until yesterday.

It actually started on Tuesday night, with this horrible stabbing/shooting type pain. It would usually start a little higher than my right ovary, and radiate down as low as my pelvis, and up as high as my ribcage on the right. Every once in a while, I'd get a pain around the left ovary, but not as consistent, or intense, as the right side.

Added to that fun, I will spare you the details and just say that I stayed home from work yesterday because I was afraid to be more than a few steps from the bathroom. I don't know if this is related or not, but have heard that endo can cause such - unpleasantness.

Being that I've never really experiences symptoms before (other than whacked out cycle lengths, annovulation, and infertility), I'm not sure if this could be endo or not? Or could it be somehow related to the surgery? Or could it be something else entirely? Should I call the doc? Or should I play "wait & see" for a few more days?

Help?!?


Edited to add more info:

• Surgery cleaned up my right ovary (big giant cyst was cut out of it, and other lesions were cauterized). Lefty is still a mess of endo, and is adhered to my uterus.
• Today's new pain: lower back.
• Some of this pain could be PMS related. I'm cd27 or 28, so AF *could* be on her way.

Financial Update - On the Up Swing!

My 3 week medical leave is fortunately (Thank GOD) covered by our short-term disability insurance. I'm fairly certain that between the STD (that acronym is so wrong, no matter what you're using it for), and my AFLAC coverage (seriously, BEST-THING-EVER! I love me my AFLAC!), I don't think we're going to be behind at all.

The downside is that our cash flow is all wonky. Grumps & I both get paid weekly, he on Tue, and me on Fri. Yes, we live paycheck to paycheck right now (trying to slam as much $ as we can towards our debt), but paycheck to paycheck when they're only 3 days apart isn't bad at all.

At this point, I'm not getting any more checks from work until I've been back for a week, and we're waiting on both the AFLAC check and the hospital bill to arrive. I know what our max payout for all surgery related stuff will be, but I'm not sure how it will be billed - or when. I have a general idea of what our AFLAC check will be, but no idea when it will come in.

Bottom line, we have all this financial stuff up in the air right now, because there's all of these known income & expense situations, but the timing remains unknown. Frustrating for a bookkeeper (me) that runs as tight a financial ship as I can (at least timing wise), both at home, and at work.

Anyway, after that long & winding road of a verbal detour - we got our tax rebate today! WOOHOO!!!! It's already mentally spent of course, but, it's nice to see it there, and to have it's friendly little cushion in place!

NOW, if all the rest of that stuff would just GET HERE (AFLAC check, hospital bill), I could have everything all straightened out. I'm pretty sure that even with the hospital bill and some home improvement stuff we've earmarked out of the rebate, I'll be able to put a nice little chunk of change towards our debt.

Jeeze that got wordy - and ridiculously cumbersome. My apologies. Let me sum up: There is a light at the end of our financial tunnel, at least in the short term!

*waving*

I'm here! I'm ok!

Surgery went well. Dr. N did the best he could robotically. Was released from the hospital on Saturday, and have been home since. Just trying to take things as easy as I can.

From what I understand (although I'm still a bit foggy on the details), Doc was able to clean up righty and get rid of BIG GIANT CYST. Lefty, though, is in pretty rough shape. "Plastered" in place with the endo. The only thing he could have done with lefty was to remove it, and that would have required cutting into my uterus (apparently the endo has attached them?), so he just left it alone. I'm pretty sure he said my tubes looked ok, but that he'll want to do an HSG sometime soon to chem 'em out.

I go in this Friday to have my stitches removed, and Doc wants to see me 2 - 3 weeks after that.

Thanks much for all the well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts!

adding to the humiliation

I just got the confirmation call from the hospital. I'm scheduled for a 1:30pm surgery, and have to arrive at 11am for all the intake stuff.

The humiliating part? A pregnancy test is standard procedure. Which of course requires FMU. Which means that I get to PIAC on Friday morning, and then store said pee in something clean, dry, and SEALED, so that I can TRANSPORT IT to the hospital with me.

I chuckled (jealously) at the idea of IF'ers that carried around positive pee sticks... now I have to carry a damn jug o' pee.

the un-eloquent post

I'm wishing right now that I had the ability to write - to eloquently express the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Sadly (for me), I don't. I've never been a great writer - too left brained & logical for it - or at least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

See, if I were eloquent, or concise even, I'd be able to express just how scared I am today. Panic stricken, nervous, completely unable to think about anything other than that I am having major surgery on Friday.

I don't want it. Don't want to do this again. Don't want to go thru the 2 night hospital stay, the painful recovery, the inability to do just about anything for 2 weeks, followed by another 4 weeks of very limited activity. I don't want to get my hopes up that THIS WILL FIX ME, because, well - I've been down this road before. And it didn't lead me to baby. In fact, it led me right back here, to another fucking surgery.

Definitely not finding my happy place today. Have you seen it? Can you draw me a map?

getting scared

Tax season is winding down - thank GOD - and other than the last minute bullshit we always have to deal with, and filing extensions on Tuesday morning, my work is pretty well taken care of. I've trained the 2 other employees that will be job-sharing my responsibilities while I'm on leave. Now I just have to sit here for a few more days, get some billing done, and handle those last minute things.

As thankful as I am that the work insanity is ending for yet another year, I'm realizing just how much of a distraction it has been for me. And just how much I have needed that distraction. Now, I don't have much to cloud my thoughts and occupy my mental energy. I'm left with the reality that in 1 week, I'll be having surgery.

Best case scenario (as unrealistic as it is) has me coming out with all of my parts after a relatively simple laparoscopic procedure, and only needing a few days to recover (but I'm still taking all of the following week). The worst case scenario has me coming out of the same procedure, but with a follow up meeting with the doctor to discuss a possible hysterectomy (partial or radical).

Now, I'm a somewhat intelligent person (or at least I think so. I hope you can look past my typonese and agree.), and I think I'm pretty realistic in my outlook here. I KNOW that my personal situation will fall between the 2 extremes. What scares me is not knowing where between. I'm confident I'll need the laparotomy, and will have 4-6 weeks of recovery (at least the first 2 of which will be pretty damn uncomfortable). I might lose a tube & ovary. I might have to lose more than that (altho not in this procedure). This might fix my problem & I might get pregnant in a few months. It might not, and we still may need to look for some intensely creative ways to fund more invasive treatments - or adoption.

There are far too many questions floating around in my head. All I really want is quiet.

dusting off the cobwebs

just a quick check in post to let you all know that I'm still here, still alive, and still reading all of your blogs!

it's still tax season - I'm still having surgery (in 16 days!) - I have started to have a little discomfort from the cyst, but wouldn't consider it "pain" - still doing my best to prep the house, the job, the freezer, the pantry, the checkbook, and the Grumpster for me to be out of commission for a few weeks - and still trying to wedge in a little bit of time each day to just BREATHE. Sadly, that is going to get exceedingly more difficult over the next 13 days....

And I shall call her...

Jane.

Yes, I'm sure this sounds completely absurd (and it probably is), but I figure, too bad! Maybe I am a little (completely) absurd, and dammit, this is my blog, so - let the absurdity roll!

Wow, that was quite a tangent.

Anyway, I've decided to name the cyst, or "pelvic mass" as it is clinically referred to. And I've decided to name her Jane. If I have any IRL (as in, truly In Real Life - they've never lived in my computer) friends that have discovered this blog, they will ABSOLUTELY understand why I picked that name.

For those of you that are unaware of my real life drama surrounding that name, let me sum up. Jane was a friend of a friend - a somewhat uninvited character in my life. Never did she play any positive, substantial role. Most of the time, she was simply an extra. But when she did decide to jump into the action, she made her presence known in rather unwelcome ways, often by creating much unwanted tension and drama. In short, she was someone that I was more than ready to get rid of, and I was finally able to do so after a long overdue upheaval within the group to which we both belonged.

I removed one Jane from my life early in 2007, and I will gladly have this one removed in 30 days - and not a moment too soon.

The countdown has begun!

1 month until surgery. I am officially FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!! It dawned on me today that I have 1 month to finalize as many tax returns as possible, bill out said returns, and generally get thru tax season crunch time. Doable, but certainly not my most favorite-est month of the year. And yet, I get to ADD to that fun, with the excitement of teaching my 2 co-workers how to do my job, so that they can cover for me while I'm on leave! Yay me!

Yeah, freaking out about all the stuff that has to happen between now and surgery. And freaking out (but only a little, so far) about the surgery itself. That 4-6 week medical leave for recovery? Any chance we could start that early? I could use the break!



In other news - 10 days smoke free! I'm constantly eating, so I really need to stop buying snack-y shit to keep in my desk. My first real non-smoking test is coming this Friday, when the Grumps & I are meeting some friends for cocktails and a night of general debauchery. This group of friends happens to be all smokers. Every last one of them. And did I mention that I'll be cocktailing it up? If I can make it through that night without a puff, then I will be pretty damn confident that this no-smoking thing will stick.... at least for a while.



I go in this Thursday for a pre-surgical IVP. Dr. N wants to make sure that everything is functioning properly throughout my urinary-tract before the surgery. He doesn't suspect a problem, but he wants to be sure.

I have to go to Big Scary Hospital for the test, so el Grumperino is taking the morning off to go with me. I'm not so nervous about the test itself, but more so about finding my way to the appropriate parking lot/garage, entrance, department, etc. I'm a wimp with that stuff.

SPEAKING OF Big Scary Hospital... I got a phone call this morning from their billing department. Apparently, it is standard procedure for them to call - prior to a scheduled procedure - to "discuss insurance coverage and deductible or co-payment patient responsibilities". That translates to them asking me to PRE-PAY my portion of the estimated bill for a relatively inexpensive procedure (they said my portion should be about $175, but $155 of that is meeting my deductible for 2008).

I told the twit from billing - in no uncertain terms - that the hospital could bill me AFTER they bill my insurance, and I will gladly send them a check. There is NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I am giving them a dime for a procedure they have not yet performed, and one for which she herself told me she could only estimate the charges.

I then got the "My computer talks to the insurance company's computer (literally - in those words), and I'm quite certain that this will be our charge. Additional charges could be lab fees, or fees from your doctor's office." speech. I politely replied that I could also be hit by a bus tomorrow, and not have the procedure as scheduled.

She agreed to make a notation on my record and that the hospital will send me a bill.