Role Reversal

Over the last few weeks, the Grumps and I have taken on a bit of a role reversal from last year. During the summer and fall, I was completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of managing my Dad's care. I had the support of my sisters, and fortunately we all seemed to agree on almost every decision that was tossed our way. And we were able to reasonably discuss those handful of things that we weren't on exactly the same page about, reaching a compromise that we all could be genuinely satisfied with.

I'm learning just how fortunate I am that we were all able to work together in this way, and that we're even more fortunate to be able to continue to build a sister relationship in the aftermath of losing Dad.

Sadly, it has become painfully obvious over the last few weeks that not all families work this way.

Grumpy's mom is ill - has been for a long loooooooooooooooooooong time. I'm not going to go into too many details here, at least not the specifics, as they aren't my details to share. Just believe me when I say that she's ill.

She's been hospitalized for almost 3 weeks now. In that time, she's had 2 separate extended ICU stays, a dialysis treatment, a surgery, 24 hours on a ventilator, countless medications, and we almost lost her more than once. She's on the long, slow road to recovery now, and we're realistically hoping that she'll be able to go home within the next week or 2.

On the flip side of her almost miraculous recovery (especially this week), is the damage that's been done to the immediate family. Lies have been told, wishes ignored, fights started, secrets kept and betrayed... All levels of human interpersonal ugliness have been explored and exploited. And here I sit, just to the outside of the immediate inside (does that makes sense? let me try this: I'm more involved on a daily basis than Grumpy's siblings because of proximity, but obviously I'm not her daughter, so I try not to take on too much responsibility, or step over the bounds of my "appropriate" role.), wondering what I can do to help, who I should support, and how to do it.

Obviously, my first responsibility is to Grumps. I'm the one that needs to keep things running on our homefront, so that he has a safe place to be without adding additional stress (he was FABULOUS with this for me during the Dad saga). I need to be his place to unload, get angry, be scared, whatever. That part I'm certain of.

But after Grumpy, who should be my priority? I work for his Dad, his Mom is ill and needs all the support she can get, his siblings aren't here in town and feel a bit out of the loop, when his niece or nephew are in town they sometimes need time away from the stress of Grandma being in the hospital. And to be honest, sometimes "choosing sides" isn't an option. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by someone's behavior that I can't stand to hear them, let alone be supportive. Sometimes someone is being so needy and dependent about the circumstances that I want to shake them to remind them that we're ALL going through this.

Sometimes I want to sit in a corner and cry, because Grumpy's Mom is going to come home, and my Dad didn't. And maybe that's what my problem is in all of this.

Maybe it's not my responsibility to be mediator, to take sides, to try to support everyone. Maybe it's ok to just be Grumpy's wife, and to do my best to make sure that HIS needs are met.

Is that ok?

Sorry

I just realized that it's been 2 weeks since I posted here. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Grumpy's mom is in the hospital (has been since last Saturday), so our world has been a bit upside down lately. She's working on getting better, but has a lot of work ahead, and a big surgery to get through. I'll share more details as I'm able.

In other news, I'm still working on my 101 in 1,001, if you're interested in checking out the progress!

Oh, and Zoloft is LOVELY!!! The anxiety is much much better, and I'm sleeping a lot better. I do think I might talk to the doc at my one month follow-up to see if it's worth trying at the next dosage up from where I'm at.

The miracle med?

My appointment went well on Thursday. I had a nice chat with my GP, who quickly agreed that it was time to give some medication a try. One thing she said that really stuck with me...

No one would dare withhold insulin from a diabetic. I don't see why the same
doesn't hold true for Serotonin.

She wrote me a script for 50mg of Zoloft, with instructions to start the first few days at half a pill, just to ease myself into the medication.

I spoke with a friend Friday afternoon, who kindly asked about my appointment, and how I was feeling. I told her that I was certain it was either mind over matter or a placebo effect, but I actually felt significantly better on Friday, and again on Saturday. Unfortunately, Sunday I woke up to a killer sinus headache that stuck with me all day, and today I am sans headache, but back to "normal" emotionally (meaning my "not so fun" normal, not socially "acceptable" normal).''

I will say that taking the step to get help has lifted a weight. This is something that I've been considering for years, and haven't been able to move myself to do it. I don't yet know if this is the dosage or even the medication for me, but I do know that I've taken that first step down the path towards getting healthy. And I feel really good about that.

Taking the plunge

Or, maybe more appropriately - fighting my way out of the deep...

I called my GP today for an appointment. When the receptionist asked why I was coming in I replied with, "I need to get on an anti-depressant.".

So, for any of you that have been through this, do you have any advice for this appointment? Things to be aware of, questions to ask, anything?

I know I'll be asked about symptoms. I've been having all the textbook depression symptoms off and on for - oh - years now, but the last few months have been more on than off. I do have family history for clinical depression, and - let's face it, I've had a hell of a year. And although things seem to be getting "better", they are still in a significant amount of turmoil. Lots of changes in my household, in my head, and in my heart, and quite frankly, I need SOMETHING to help get me through it. SOMETHING that makes it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning, to put in a productive day at work, to make it not so terrifying to go out in the world, or to reach out to friends. SOMETHING that helps me get off the couch or out from under the covers without berating myself for HOURS about what a lazy, useless piece of shit I am. There's a pill for that, right?

My only med request is that we start with something that has a generic. Dad was on Prozac for a while, and had an awful time of it... HORRIBLE nightmares (Dad wouldn't admit to being afraid of much, but he was afraid of what that pill did to his dreams). I don't know if his problems would cause increased potential for me to have problems, but I will be sure to mention it to the doc.

My appointment is this Thursday, Jan 15th, in the afternoon. Any and all advice is appreciated.

And, if it's something you'd rather not discuss on a blog, leave me a comment and I can track you down via email.

Well, I survived!

Better than that, I think cousins night was a HUGE success! Everyone asked when we could do another one (which isn't going to be soon, unfortunately. trying to coordinate school breaks, work schedules, soccer, softball, band practice, etc etc etc is HARD!)

I was able to let go of my need to control EVERYTHING, and we all just hung out, watched movies, played games, laughed, and generally enjoyed each other. Don't think I could have asked for a better night! (Other than having the good sense NOT to try to sleep on the floor with all of them. What the hell was I thinking?)

I'm also surviving today. This would've been Dad's 80th birthday. I got a little teary eyed last night (over an episode of Scrubs of all things), but am holding it together ok today. I'd rather be home, but... oh well.

And, for anyone keeping track, today would have been testing day, but it's cd3. The good news is that last cycle was a textbook 28 days, so apparently Dr N is some kind of magical voodoo doctor or something, because I don't think I've had a 28 day cycle since I was on bcp.

This cycle, more good ol' fashioned "trying on our own". If it doesn't work, next cycle will be another HSG (my 3rd, for anyone keeping track), and then we'll have to see what happens after that. Personally, I'm leaning towards NOT getting into treatments right away, with the whole school/finances situation being what it is. And as long as the HSG comes out ok, and my cycle lengths stay normal, I don't see a reason to jump to treatments for a few months. Maybe I'll add in some temping or OPKs, but not much more than that until summer. Or, at least that's my line of thinking right now...