exposed

do you ever feel like you've exposed too much of yourself, of your personal struggle, to some people? and maybe not enough to other people? if so, how do you reconcile the situation?

sometimes I feel like this blog, and some of the more open conversations I have with people IRL, reveal a little too much. unfortunately, I don't have this realization until after the fact. instead of being able to ask myself "do I want to share this?", I find my self asking "why did I just say that?".

I have a friend that I absolutely adore. she's a bit older (old enough to be my mother, in fact), and thus comes from a generation that was even more tight-lipped about fertility (or lack thereof). she had "difficulty" conceiving, and it took her and her husband "awhile" before they got pregnant with her 1st. And that's all she's been comfortable telling me.

unfortunately, it seems the more I let her in on our progress, the more she wants to know. and sadly, she just doesn't "get it". in her eyes, anything beyond "good ol' fashion sex" translates to ivf (and I don't even want to think about the kind of opinions her old school old religion mind has about that!). she's openly supportive, but I often find myself wishing I had just told her we'd have kids "someday".

on the flip side of that, I've kept our journey pretty private from my family. they know that we're trying, that we want kids badly, and that we're "having some difficulty". they also know, to varying degrees, about my surgery. (my uncles know that I had surgery, my aunts know that I had a cyst removed, some of them know it was related to endo... all depends on how interested they seemed in the details).

I've kept it from family as we've always been pretty quiet about health related stuff (barring things like cancer, heart disease... the "big stuff"), and I come from a household where privacy is valued above almost all else, including the unconditional support of a loving and caring family.

but I've been letting family in, in bits & pieces. they were aware of the problems that Grumpy & I had last year (I stayed with an aunt for the few weeks that he & I separated), and were AMAZING. Since we've been back together, not one of them has treated Grumpy any differently than they did before we had our "bump in the road". each time I open the door a little bit, I'm more & more impressed by the strength of the love within this extended family of mine. it makes me want to throw the emotional door wide open, and let them ALL in, yet I know I won't do that. eventually, maybe it'll all be out there. but to do it all in one shot, that's still too much for me.

on a related note, I'm ashamed to say that I've been unable to wear my pomegranate bracelet. It sits at home on my dresser, and I stare at it every day, thinking that it just might be the day that I feel strong enough to put myself out there, to be recognized. And yet, there it sits. I fully believe in the intended purpose of the bracelet... the sense of community, the opening of a true dialogue... and yet I still can't open my heart to the exposure of being "outed". Still a little too painful to admit that I'm here, I suppose.

obsession junkie?

I've not posted much in the last week or so because my mind has been on other things. With the camper purchase, and all the odds & ends that go with it (insurance, title transfer, registration, blah blah blah), my mind has really not been on TTC at all lately.

I must say, its been a very nice distraction. I wish that we had timed it during a 2ww, but it's a good distraction nonetheless. Which got me thinking...

Is it really a distraction, or just a new obsession?

Seems as tho my mind "works best" when it can completely focus on 1 thing, for ridiculously extended amounts of time. Sure, there have been other distractions over the last 3.5 years, some good and some bad, and yet, my mind always comes back to this obsession over kids. Or cycles. My chart. A new med. The next procedure. You get the idea.

I guess I'm just wondering when the obsession will end. Will getting pregnant stop it, or just transform it into something new? What about labor? First steps? First day of school? The discussion about siblings?

How do I calm this obsessive mind of mine? I feel as tho I'm doomed to always have something - anything - in my life that feels mentally and emotionally "all consuming". And to be honest, that's really scary. And it certainly can't be healthy.

So, seriously folks, how do I learn to calm my mind? Or at least refocus it into "obsessions" that I have more control over, that bring about something healthy for me, my family, etc? I'm really looking for some honest and constructive suggestions here. Help! Please!

Prayer Request

A very close friend of mine just lost her baby. It was a surprise pregnancy, but the parents were warming to the idea of bringing a little one into their home. She was about 10 weeks along (but I have no idea how long ago the baby died).

Please say a prayer for her.

Sorry Folks, and Happy News (not IF related)

I forgot to tell the blogosphere that I would be MIA for the weekend... my most sincere apologies for that.

Grumpy went hunting this weekend, and I went with him to visit some friends of ours. While we were there, we looked at, and bought, a camper!

It's a 1989 24.5' Terry Taurus by Fleetwood. It needs some work, but it's nothing Grumpy & I can't handle, and we got it for an AMAZING price! We've been wanting to get a camper for a few years now, and have just been hoping that the right opportunity would fall into our laps! It finally did!!!

Here are some pics for ya!

Above is a view of the kitchen area (4 burner stove & double sink), and the end of the couch)

Above is our "bedroom" with the couch (that pulls out to about a full size bed) on the left.

Above is a view of the rest of the camper from our "bedroom". On the left is a swivel rocking chair and the dinette set (that also folds down into a bed). On the right is the other end of the couch and the kitchen. All the way in the back is the bathroom (that's the part that needs some work).

I absolutely CANNOT WAIT until next camping season! This fall the camper will be used as hunting camp while Grumpy & his buddy work on the bathroom. It'll come home probably in January, when I'll get to deep clean & scrub the living crap out of it, and then it'll be ALL OURS!!!!

C30, CD1

yup, that's right. I officially had a 32 day cycle, and I o'ed!

so now that we have a better idea that my body IS working, we've got some workin' it to do!